Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
I've written here before about how blogmom is like a Cyber McGyver. Well, apparently the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
After telling my sissies about a boy who I was chatting with following the Browns' victory last week (shocking!), my middle sis was obsessed with finding out more about him.
(BTW, when I said "shocking," I was referring to both the Browns' win as well as the fact that a cute boy would actually talk to me while I was so bundled up for the game that I looked like the stay-puff marshmallow man.)
Anyhow, the only things I knew about him were:
- his first name
- what he did for a living (vaguely)
- that he was a good kisser (OK, so *maybe* I smooched him a little to celebrate the win -- so sue me!)
But, literally. That was ALL I KNEW. But within five minutes of cyberstalking (as I was in the other room holding my sweet little nugget nephew and watching The Sing Off), my sis had found him online. (And not by Googling "random boy who smooched my sis after the Browns game.")
I think sissy might really have a potential career in pre-screening guys for single girls. (Myself included.) Within mere minutes, she found:
- his last name
- where he works (which is when she said the quote that appears as the title of this post and told me he was gonna make a lot of money someday)
- pictures of him (to which she suggested he might want to consider teeth whitening and never growing a beard again)
- his profiles on social networks
- several articles he was featured in
I couldn't help but giggle at her research prowess. I mean, seriously. She only had his first name (which is very common) and a general idea of what he did for a living (which is admittedly less common -- but still) to go on. And she was soooooooooo excited when she found him.
(In fact, she was so excited that I didn't have the heart to tell her right away that I had his phone number and that we'd actually already talked.)
So it appears that sissy may have a potential new career... and that I may have a potential new target for Holidating!
P.S. Don't worry, blogdad. The Browns were the only ones who scored that nite. ;)
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Remember when I broke up with my hairdresser several months ago?
I had another breakup this weekend. But this time I was the dumpee.
My manicurist left me. For that "other woman" known as college.
When we were saying goodbye, Anth gave me a big bear hug and said he'd miss me and would let me know when he's back in town. And I almost started crying.
(And it wasn't just because my jeans are all currently so tight that they're literally making me want to cry.)
In retrospect, I think the welling up was because Anthony has been the most consistent man in my life for the past several years.
(Is that sad or sweet? I still haven't decided.)
Every week when I'd see Anthony, he was excited to see me. He'd call me pet names. Tell me how pretty I looked. Compliment a new sweater. Ask about my family and friends. Write "I heart U” in lotion.
(And, no, I did not pay extra for that.)
But now he's gone. So I'm hoping the cosmos decides to do its thing and replace the one consistent guy in my life with another (but this time, one in the form of a boyfriend).
Are you listening, cosmos? I need a new guy in my life. Cuz mama's got really pretty hands just waiting to show off a ring someday soon.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
(Living up to his name as Hottest Guy Ever, BTW.)
This whole six degrees thing is just getting a little ridic now, no? Is the universe trying to send me a message?
(I sure hope it's something like, "AAB, there's a hottie in your future!")
P.S. As it turns out, I knew one of the girls who was lunching with HGE. She called me this morning to find out if I knew what his story was because she and her friend couldn't figure out if he liked boys or girls. See?!?! It's not just me.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
- A guy I went on one date with (I actually wrote about him here)
- A guy who was in the Sexy Singles article in Cleveland Magazine with me (of course, he's now married and I'm still a questionably sexy single)
- My boss' son (nothing romantic there -- just thought it was weird to see him)
I'm really starting to think I am like two or three degrees away from every person in Cleveland. Which I suppose also means I *may* be only two or three degrees away from all of the cute, eligible, single guys in Cleveland too.
Which also means that YOU probably know one of them. Ahem. What are you waiting for? Wouldn't a little finders' fee help with your holiday shopping right about now? Just sayin'.
I mean, it is time for some Holidating. (P.S. Thanks to everyone who contributed suggestions and/or voted to name this month's dating adventures!) Dontcha wanna put a little something under my tree?
Friday, December 4, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
- There's no pressure to find that perfect gift for my special someone. In the past, I would spend weeks (sometimes months) searching for juuuuuust the right present for my BF, only to be disappointed with an effing gift card for a day spa or -- even worse -- the free wallet that came with the purse that he bought for his mother. (Actually happened.)
- There's no need to worry about those extra lbs. I've already packed on from all the holiday goodies around my office, since my cats and relatives don't mind if I'm a little doughy right now (but a BF probably would).
- I don't have to hear, "Sooooooo... do you think you'll be getting a little box under the tree this year?" from EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. I. KNOW.
- There's no obligation to bust out horrific memories of holidays past. One year for Christmas, I got an effing Precious Moments necklace from The Mush Mouth. I lovingly referred to it as "The Medallion." It was a sterling silver heart -- yes, HEART -- with two little Precious Moments figures facing each other inside of it. It was literally the size of a hood ornament. And it was heinous. (In this case, I would have welcomed a gift card.) I felt obligated to pull it out each Christmas (though I never actually wore it), but after we broke up, I used to take it out with me to the bar and use it on my beer bottles like one of those little wine charms. Except it wasn't so little.
- I can decide where I want to go, and when. I don't have to split holidays between families, or traipse around all over Northeast Ohio without sitting down in one place for more than a couple of hours. Which means I can plant my (now pleasantly plump) ass down at my parents' house and get hammered. I mean, "holiday toasty."
- There's also no pressure to buy thoughtful presents for the BF's family. I mean, I don't think I could have found another bird broach for The Murse's grandma if I tried. I must have bought out the entire stock at Macy's every year.
- And let's not talk about the pressure to fake liking the presents that you got from his family. I mean, who doesn't need a holiday sweatshirt -- complete with puffy paint -- to round out her wardrobe? (I wish I were kidding. Actual Christmas present. Though still not as bad as the free wallet.)
- If you're only kinda sorta and/or newly dating someone (and not in a long-term relationship), there's also no pressure to have that awkward, "Are we exchanging gifts?" or "What's our spending limit?" conversation. Ugh. Those are so awwwww-kward!
- I don't have to stress about how/if he fits into my family's gatherings. Let's be honest: blogfamily can be a bit overwhelming at times. Between blogdad telling dirty jokes, blogmom having minor meltdowns if something goes wrong in the kitchen, fights with sissies over board games and Brissy yelling, "Merry Jizzmas!!" every two seconds, it takes a special kinda guy to feel comfortable around the AAB clan.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
As the nite went on, I could not stop talking about this guy. But he was soooo cute, even I -- who can carry on a 20-minute conversation with a cocktail napkin -- was too timid to strike up a convo.
- Molly and Drew got married a year ago today and are expecting a baby in January.
- Sissy #1 got pregs and had a baby in October. (My sweet little nugget nephew.)
- Sissy #2 got pregs and is due in February. (My soon-to-be sweet little nugget niece.)
- Simply Married got pregs and had a baby about a week ago. (Can't wait to meet you, Aubrey!)
- And my cousin got pregs and is due in January. (Another little lady to add to the fam.)
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
THE CHARACTERS: The little girl's parents (my friends), paternal grandparents, paternal aunt and me. The little girl's maternal uncle arrives late (after flying in from out of town) and is dropped off from the airport by his married friend, Airport Ride. (Read: I'm clearly not hitting on the married friend in the scene outlined below.) Airport Ride (AR, below) seems very nice. I immediately know he's "good people."
ME: "So, do you have any single friends, AR?" (asked after I literally talked to him for four minutes... but long enough to judge his character and get a good vibe)
AR: "Hmmm. I don't know."
ME: "That doesn't do me any good." (Sidenote: I was drinking something called Ryan's Cream at the time of this conversation. Which really doesn't add much to the story other than alerting you all to the fact that there's a Bailey's-esque liquor called Ryan's Cream. Which apparently gives me balls of steel.)
AR: "Wait! I do know a guy. He's really funny. But he's (pregnant pause)... a redhead..."
ME: "So what?! I don't care about that."
AR: "... but he keeps his hair really short."
ME: "OK, AR. Well, I'm going to give you my card, and you tell your friend to call or email me if he wants."
I mean, seriously. Who DOES this?!? I knew the guy for less than a commercial break and I'm already asking him to fix me up.
But guess what? The friend emailed me. And he's really effing funny.
So I guess the title of this post is true. It does never hurt to ask. (Even if you look like a friggin' loon in the process.)
Monday, November 16, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
- the guy from high school who sent me flowers to ask me out to dinner
- another guy from high school who very awkwardly called to ask me out (completely catching me off guard at work), then realized how awkward the conversation was and called back (at 8pm, when he knew I'd be gone from the office) and left not one, but TWO, rambling messages to apologize for asking me out so abruptly in the first call (I mean, even this cold-hearted bitch felt badly for him... for a hot minute, at least)
- The Murse 2 (I should have learned my lesson with the original Murse, right?)
Saturday, November 7, 2009
I slept with jocks and married a nice guy
Ummm... yeah. I mean, I am obviously no expert in either of those areas. Now I could understand if any of the following searches directed people here:
- unhealthy obsessions with Matt Lauer
- my friends think my boyfriend might be gay
- dating stories that would make for good Lifetime movies
- if one more g.d. person asks me why I'm still single I'm going to rip their eyelashes out
- are my cats ruining my love life
- I want to read the most hilarious blog ever created
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
(See? Even at 33 years old, I sometimes do still listen to my parents.)
So I'll just leave you with this:
Welcome to YESvember, peeps!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
(And, as luck would have it, I have a giant zit on my chin. Like, so big I could carve it, put a candle in it and have kids trick-or-treat at it.)
I'm feeling nervous and excited and worried and hopeful and guarded all at once. Sort of like I'm going to do this:
This could mean very good -- or very bad -- things for Cocktober.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
- Blogmom and sissy comparing bicep muscles during 40% of the morning "getting ready" routine
- Sissy claiming she wanted to walk down the aisle to Back That Thang Up (yep, we're definitely related)
- The bridesmaids escorting sissy into church under cover of a giant sheet because the weather gods were frowning on us that day (even AFTER we threw a rosary in the tree, an old Italian ritual to ward off bad weather on your wedding day). Luckily, my wedding day survival kit included enough babushkas to strap onto each bridesmaid's head so no one looked like they'd just gone through Armageddon.
- Our middle sis getting so drunk at the reception that she was laying on her stomach on the wet dirty dance floor -- in her bridesmaid dress -- pretending to surf
- My bro-in-law (the groom) having one of the bartenders "removed" from the reception because he didn't like the guy's attitude (he was sent down the hall to work the bar at the Italian American beauty pageant instead)
- Blogdad exchanging glowsticks (in a very embarrassing manner, FYI) with one of my sissy's friends while they both broke it down on the dance floor
Monday, October 26, 2009
- match.com (or some other online dating service): 35%
- go East! (do the same stuff, but across town): 33%
- blogparents.com (like eHarmony, but blogmom and blogdad do the matching); 19%
- Jump Back Ball (where a few of my friends have met their BFs/fiancees): 11%
I'm not sure how I feel about the results. I really am veeerrrryyyy leery of online dating, given the horrific experiences most of my friends have had.
(I realize that there are a few good stories mixed in there too. But for every "good" story, I hear about 20 bad ones. You do the math.)
But, in the spirit of YESvember, I will try it out for at least a couple of weeks next month. But I swear to God, if any guy emails me who has a profile pic wearing an Affliction t-shirt (or, worse, no shirt at all) and uses some corny-ass pick-up line in his profile and/or a message to me, that's grounds to quit the service ON. THE. SPOT.
(In case you're wondering, my profile pic will neither show me in an Affliction shirt nor shirtless.)
So since I've never done this before, any suggestions for which service is best?
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
- GO EAST. This means doing the same things I normally do, just in places I don't normally do them. Specifically, on the east side. I have to admit there is some merit in this one, as I was at a Starbucks on the east side a couple of months ago for a work meeting and there were some hottie patotties there. I really like this idea because I wouldn't be too far out of my comfort zone (as in, I'd be doing things I'd normally do -- just in a different locale), so I'd be more likely to be myself. (Versus if I tried joining an effing intramural sports league, in which case I would so totally not be myself.)
- BLOGPARENTS.COM. If you read all of the suggestions, you saw that blogmom and blogdad have the idea that they can find me true love if given the chance. The gist is that they'll set me up on one date per week for the entire month of YESvember, with the following caveats: 1. no refusal 2. no backtalk 3. no grief. While this sounds fun in theory (and would most certainly contribute a blog story or seventy), I worry that this could cause some weirdness if the dates go horribly awry. And seeing as I've got nowhere else to go come holiday time, I'd prefer to stay on decent terms with blogmom/blogdad.
- MATCH.COM. Lots of you suggested trying out online dating. To be honest, I've thought about it before, but any time I've gone on to even peruse, I know waaaaaaay too many of the guys (friends, clients, peeps who work in my field, etc.) for it to be an option. HOWEVER, one of my anonymous commenters (who said the nicest things to me, BTW -- love you, whoever you are!!) said that you can make a match profile hidden. So if this is the winning option, that's the route I would go. (To protect myself from creepy stalkers, guys I already know, and possibly you!)
- JUMP BACK BALL. This was another suggestion from an anonymous commenter, and I really like it. Like the commenter, I know a couple of... well... couples who met at this yearly fundraiser for PlayhouseSquare. (And, in fact, one of those couples just got engaged!) Plus, it would give me a good excuse to go shopping for a new dress. (On the east side, natch.) The event isn't until February (I think), but in keeping with YESvember, I will buy my ticket next month to ensure I go.
So whaddya think? You've got til Friday to vote for your fave. Head on over to the top left of the page and cast your vote!
And, if you want to campaign for a specific idea, make sure to leave a note on this post. Consider the comments section your town hall meeting!
In the meantime, I am working on some other plans of my own. Still trying to figure out if I can pull off the mixer before people get crazy with holiday commitments. And, there may or may not be a trip to visit Mr. X in the next couple of weeks too.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Voting on the ideas will start next week!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
However, I did take time to do a quiz from a woman named Dr. Helen Fisher after reading this article on YourTango. Dr. Fisher is the author of a book called, "Why Him? Why Her? Finding Real Love by Understanding Your Personality Type." And, based on the results I got, this bitch knows her shit.
Apparently, I'm an EXPLORER/builder. (Along with John F. Kennedy, Angelina Jolie and Ernest Hemingway. Oh, and Britney Spears.) Which means this:
You have a great deal of energy and vitality. You are curious, creative and resilient. You have many interests; and you find pleasure in doing and thinking about all sorts of things.
You tend to be optimistic, seeing the world as a place of adventure -- physical, intellectual or both. You seek first-hand experiences. And when you embark on a project or expedition, you like to be organized, thorough and responsible.
You enjoy the pleasures of the senses, yet you are firmly grounded in reality and live in the here and now. You can be charming and charismatic; and you sometimes like to surprise those you love with generous presents.
You also have a clear moral compass and stand up for your beliefs. And in spite of your flexibility and enjoyment of novelty, you have a genuine respect for home, family, work and community. You are conscientious, dependable, cooperative and protective.
Wow. I can definitely relate to much of that stuff. But what I really freaked out about were these "things to be aware of":
- Don't assume someone isn't funny just because they don't display their sense of humor instantly.
- You can be so charming that you can get into a relationship too fast. Honor your natural caution and go slowly.
- Explorers and Builders rarely indulge in self-analysis and they can hide their emotions. Let people know how you feel.
Mother effing holy crap. Those warning signs are totes me too.
And, according to the quiz results, I'm drawn mostly to other EXPLORER/builders too. Which seems especially appropriate on Columbus Day, no? So if the above description sounds like a fab single guy you know, send him my way!
(I'll even let him call me Nina, Pinta or Santa Maria if he wants to.)
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
- HELLO..... (received at 1:57 p.m.)
- [friend's name] (received at 1:58 p.m.)
My friend (who shall remain nameless here so at least I can't feel culpable if someone does end up hunting her down and chopping her into pieces) responded to the messages with, "I'm sorry, but who is this?" She then got a bounce-back that said, "The recipient you are sending to has chosen not to receive messages."
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
- Who? Every invitee would be hand-picked by my friend and/or me. Each of them, in turn, must bring one guest of the opposite sex. The guest must be totally date-able, just not a good match for the invitee (e.g., good friend, sibling, ex who remains friendly, etc.). This means we'll have an even number of boys and girls. And, hopefully, none of them will be complete psychos.
- Where? We're thinking we want to rent out the private room in the back of the Velvet Tango Room. For one, the drinks there are amazeballs. (And I'm gonna need a LOT of alcohol to pull this shizz off.) And for another, the atmosphere at VTR is such that we think everyone will be on their best behavior. (Well, at least until they have a couple of those strong-ass drinks.)
- When? Probably around Thanksgiving. If we wait much longer than that, we probably won't be able to do something until 2010 (knowing that December is usually crazy for everyone). And God help us all if I don't have a date before the end of this year.
- Why? Ummm, you read this blog, right? 'nuff said.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
C'mon. It's for charity.
(And by "charity," I could possibly be talking about my pathetic excuse for a dating life.)
P.S. I'm also accepting applications for blog readers who want to be the friend who gets to tag along with me when I win! ;)
Monday, September 21, 2009
But this past weekend DID serve as the end of my 2009 Wedding Season Extravaganza. (And I wasn't even a bridesmaid in ANY of this summer's weddings... I can barely believe it myself!!)
When I started today's post about Saturday's wedding finale, I realized that I never wrote about the LAST wedding I went to (in early August). It was SUPER fun. At least, what I remember of it was.
Let's just say that that beautiful August nite started with the bartender at the Ritz making some strooooooong blackout & tonics for Ms. Always a Bridesmaid. I remember dancing (but not as much as the photographic evidence would suggest) and attempting to do shots with the groom's younger cousin (only to be told we were not allowed to do shots, so instead we got full CUPS of straight alcohol to down).
The nite ended with me bringing out Jorge (from the bride's bachelorette party) and using him as a prop in a number of inappropriate scenarios. Behold:
But don't worry. I did NOT share the midnite snack arranged by the bride and groom (burgers, fries and ice cream sandwiches) with Jorge. Mama needs her sustenance if she's gonna dance til 2am, peeps. (BTW, this was the first time I've ever been to a wedding where the music -- and alcohol!!! -- went til 2am. Two words: HOT MESS. In a good, super-fun way, of course.)
After I finished my midnite noshing, I didn't want to piss Jorge off, so I let him use my snack container to get a little refreshment of his own in the marble fountain:
Aaaaaaaand that is why you either definitely do (or maybe, definitely don't) want to invite me to your wedding. At least you know there will be entertainment! :)
I'll write about this past weekend's wedding finale later this week. Suffice to say I was dared to attempt a make-out session with a young Amish boy who was working as a caterer. (Spoiler: I did not take the bet. But I did consider it for about 10 seconds.)
Friday, September 18, 2009
And there you have the reason that I still contend that gay guys would make the best boyfriends. :)
Thursday, September 17, 2009
- Hearing -- see above (and, seriously, stop effing laughing that that song reminds me of a romantic liaison)
- Smell -- every time I smell Emporio Armani cologne, I think of The Murse. He wore it for years and, in fact, his mom even bought us the his/hers version one year for Christmas. It's really sort of a bummer, since I actually really like how this stuff smells. But the memory of him that comes along with it just makes it a real stinker in my book.
- Taste -- I can't eat dumplings without thinking of The Murse either. Actually, without thinking of his mom. Because it was the meal she made for us every year (for six years, remember!) on New Year's Day. She friggin' loved that meal (as did I, after I tried it the first year). Lucky for me, pork and dumplings is not really a regular feature in the AAB diet. However, even seeing them on a menu somewhere reminds me of her (and, then, him).
- Sight -- whenever I see a picture of either Leonardo DiCaprio or Eric Dane, I think of The Divorcee. He was like a real-life version of the two of them if... you know... two men could mate and create an offspring. I can't help but think of him every time I see one of those two in the gossip rags or on E! with my (possibly gay and definitely pretend) BF, Ryan Seacrest.
- Touch -- I can't really think of anything good for this one. (At least, nothing that blogdad could read.)
(Jaaaaaaaaay Kaaaaaaaaay, blogdad. I've never touched a boy in my life. Pinky swear.)
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
- A date from hell that was the impetus for this blog
- The guy I dated for 6+ years deciding (after being broken up for 3 years) that he made a mistake
- A few fun guest blog posts, including the now-defunct Man Monday
- The Outing: '09 (a.k.a. The Tale of The Greek)
- My parents (hi, blogmom and blogdad) becoming pseudo-celebs on the blog (sort of like Kathy Griffin's parents... but, you know... even lower than the D-list)
- My family praying to sweet Jesus & Mary that I find a man (Again. And again. And again.)
- Taking a much-needed blogcation
- My sissies getting pregnant! (As well as several of my very good friends too!)
- And, probably my fave dating story thus far: Grammar Guy
And, obvs, there were several weddings thrown in there too. (Which is sort of a given, given the subject matter of this blog.)
Truthfully, I simply started this little blogging adventure last year because I had found myself telling various groups of friends (from high school, from college, from post-college, from work, etc.) the same horrific dating stories over and over... and over. And I was simply looking for a way to not have to rehash the unfortunate tales more than I absolutely had to. (Would you want to tell some of these stories more than once?!?)
But I never imagined that I'd meet so many other amazing bloggers (many of whom I'm now happy to call friends). And I never (I mean, EVER) thought that so many people who don't know me would find the blog (yes, I'm talking about most of you) -- and actually want to read it! (Please humor me if you're simply reading to make yourself feel better about your own dating life.)
Lucky for you, I clearly picked an awesome year to start a dating blog. I can't remember a more depressing dating streak in my entire life. I mean, there were very few guys who I even considered as real potentials in the past year. And, of those who were possible candidates, they all clearly fell out of the running after a few dates. (Except for Mr. X, who seems to be hanging in there after about a month and a half or so of us talking. But maybe that's because we still haven't actually seen each other. Which, BTW, blows.)
So, thanks for the fun ride. It can only get better from here, right?
(Dear GOD. For the love of all things holy, please tell me it won't get any WORSE.)
Always a Bridesmaid
P.S. I'm certain I'm forgetting tons of other good stories from the past year. Do you have any personal faves?
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Are you with me, ladies? (And gents?)
I'm sure these guys were plenty nice. (Though they were a bit above my age demo too. And by "a bit," I mean a lot.) But, physically, one reminded me of David Letterman (but with nicer teeth... which is good, considering he's an oral surgeon) and the other reminded me of a grown-up version of Ralphie from A Christmas Story, but with brunette hair (and about a tube of hair gel).
Damnit. Is it so much to ask to meet someone who is both great on paper and ALSO someone I could imagine making out with?
(Sorry, blogdad. Should have warned you that one was coming.)
And as I was reflecting on that while driving home, I realized that I feel like maybe I did meet someone like that: Mr. X.
(You may remember that I started talking to Mr. X while I was on blogcation back in July, but I haven't written about him much here because he knows about the blog. Let's hope he's not reading it today!)