Friday, April 10, 2009

The "ex" factor


(I realize that this is likely sacrilegious to say on Good Friday, but I think you'll agree this post warrants it. In fact, I almost didn't even write this post because it's so crazy to me. But since I've opened up to you guys so much about my love life for the past seven or so months, it felt sort of right to share it with you here.)

When I got home last nite, I grabbed my mail on the way into the condo. In addition to an invitation to a wedding shower (my second in as many weeks -- Always a Bridesmaid lives on!), there "it" was. A letter. From The Murse.

(For those of you who don't remember, The Murse is the guy I thought I would marry. We dated for 6+ years and broke up about 3 years ago. Since then, we've seen each other a handful of times, and pretty much only talk when we exchange obligatory "happy birthday" emails.)

I actually thought about publishing the letter verbatim, but then I decided it was a little too personal to do that. Anyone who knows me well knows that I have never really opened up about my relationships, and publishing The Murse's thoughts word for word just didn't feel right.

(Which probably seems weird to you, as a reader of a blog about my dating life. But if you don't know me, you probably don't realize what a huge step it was for me to even start this thing. But trust me. This blog's contents are very out of character for the real-life Always a Bridesmaid.)

Anyhow, back to the point. The letter from the ex. WHOA.

It was two pages, handwritten on lined paper and meticulously thought out. And it was apparent to me that the feelings The Murse expressed in that letter had been running through his head for some time now.

Essentially, he told me that he made a huge mistake when he couldn't commit to me three years ago. That working in the hospital has made him realize that people don't always get to say what they want to say, and he didn't want to be one of them. That he still thinks about me all the time. That I will always be the one who got away.

I really don't know what to think. On one hand, I am sad to know that my life right now could be so very different had things gone differently three years ago, and would probably include a husband and a family and a white picket fence. (In the letter, The Murse said that he wished we had had a family.) A life where I wouldn't be alone on a holiday like I will be this weekend.

On the other, I've forced myself to be over this relationship for so long now that I don't really think I could ever go back. (And, truth be told, my friends and family are so angry with The Murse now that it would be nearly impossible to go back, even if I thought I wanted to do it. I could never date someone who my friends and family didn't like.) And who's to say that I would have been happy with a guy who was so indecisive to begin with?

So, there you have it. I don't have any particularly enlightening things to say about this whole situation beyond, "Holy shit." (Thank goodness I didn't give up swearing for Lent like I did last year.)

That said, I'm hopeful that maybe the Easter Bunny will bring me something really, really awesome in my basket this year. Like a guy who adores me and realizes it when he's got me next to him. Not three years too late. (And if that's too much to ask, Mr. E. Bunny, I'll take a couple of tins of Pringles.)


PJ said...


kpoor said...

I would send him a copy of Single Ladies - he shoulda put a ring on it

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how this situation feels... Why can't they just appreciate us while they have us. My opinion. He should have. He didn't. End of story.

MG said...

1. will you respond at all?

2. barring responding to say "dont ever contact me again" that would mean some degree of a conversation is starting to take place.

3. If 2 occurs and there is communication, he'd be wise to work it so slowly and meticulously that it doesnt seem like a concentrated effort and you, your family and friends, won't even notice or be able to judge on past grounds. Re-inveting oneself can occur in life and sometimes those who don't buy into it miss out.

the fact that this phased you at all shows that something's going on with you about it.

What's your next step?


Dolce said...

Wow. Three years is a long time to try and rekindle the relationship, but what I've discovered is it's not up to you not to go back to him just because your friends and family don't like him

They don't like him because YOU didn't like him. If you changed your mind and decided to give it a try and it was working out, your friends and family would follow suit.

Allison M. said...

screw the pringles, give me a peanut butter filled chocolate easter egg.

That's how boys are - they don't know what they have until it's gone. I too once received a letter from an ex. He made the 30 minute drive in the middle of night and even put the letter in plastic bag and slide it under my car wiper. (It was raining so he had it all planned out.) I thought my friends were pulling a joke on me I don't think I ever really commented on the letter to him because in it he said I didn't have to :)

oh boys.

slopmaster said...

there's this thing us guys do, that whenever we think a girl might be forgetting about us, we say the right thing for once.

I've felt that way, I've dated girls that at the time my interest was elsewhere, but then thinking back, I think of how happy we would have been... oh well, such is life.

PS get rid of word verification!! you already have comment moderation!!

Jen said...

Oof. I just found your blog, and this was a great post for me to start on.

I got married in November, and NOW is when some old flames come out of the woodwork to say they made a mistake. Easy to say now, right guys? Sorry you took your sweet-ass time.

Good for you - stay strong and think about what something like this would REALLY mean. :)

Girlgirl said...

Boys are dumb.

Anonymous said...

Men never realize what they had til its too late. Men are foolishly slow.

I am sure there is a small part of you that wants to "go back," but listen to your friends and family - they have the real prospective WITHOUT the emotion :)

Stay strong!!! I hope the Easter Bunny brings you a wonderful man.

Or at least a lot of Pringles.

I personally want lots of chocolate if the wonderful man isn't in my basket!

Unknown said...

I have a freakishly similar story. I will give you the 411 when I see you next week. Seriously, reading this I thought I wrote it myself. Like whoa.

Always a Bridesmaid said...

Thanks, you guys! Just to clarify... there will be no rekindling. Too much water under the bridge. Too many negative feelings. Too much time has passed. I'd prefer the Pringles, thankyouverymuch.

Always a Bridesmaid said...

P.S. Slopmaster -- word verification is now off. Guess I didn't realize it was on. Sorry!

JAZA said...

You don't need the Alien in your life. Besides, who needs a guy for Easter when you have a chocolate bunny and wedding soup?

d said...

Oh brother. I hate him. Just as much as I hate my ex who laid that load of crap on me a few weeks ago.

Too little, too late. And via letter, what a cop out. Ugh.

P.S. don't listen to me, I am depressed and a man hater.


Anonymous said...

I read with great interest the responses today. Some people just don't know. MG, in your #3, the last thing you would ever want to do is give the Murse permission to take it slow and meticulously. That is his MO, so he woouldn't make any hasty decisions. For God's sake, he couldn't decide what color socks to wear in the AM!!

AAB, you have given me an early Easter present by stating there would be ne rekindling. That relationship is over and in ashes


blogmom said...

Dear AAB - You gave this relationship 100% plus, and it didn't go anywhere. It wasn't for lack of trying on your part. The thing is, in any relationship, it takes two people to make it work. Unfortunately, the indecisiveness of The Murse is finally being realized on his end - a little too late.

To all readers: A lot goes unwritten about this relationship. What can be written is that it involved 6 years, one fairly lengthy breakup (that I know about), and a promise of committment when the relationship rekindled. That promise never came to fruition during the overall 6 year time span of this relationship. Thirty-three years old, 6-year relationship, no committment - end of story.

Always a Bridesmaid said...

Ah ha ha, blogdad. I just laughed out loud at your comment about The Murse not being able to decide what color socks to wear. LOL.

Anonymous said...

He may have not known what color socks to wear, but I'm sure he knew where the ink was to dip his pen in.

Anonymous said...

OMG!!!Someone defending the Murse? I just threw up in my mouth. People should not speak to which they have such little knowledge.


(Could it be the Murse posting in defense of himself?)

Anonymous said...

Anonymous: April 11, 2009 6:24 PM.
"Ink, dip, pen" that some sort of penis/sexual reference?

It's easy to send a letter, it's easy to make empty promises. And dating the RIGHT person should be easy (for the most part).

Ugh.......I'm SO over the Murse and I'm so glad our girl is too!!! YEAH!!! :)

MG said...

@ blogdad,

aha...didn't know the details...i was just thinking that i figured out long ago while sipping on my tea in Azerbaijan that if i ever wanted back with my equivalent the statement of intent letter up front could be useful but what would really be the best and only solution to attain the goal would NOT be annoying her with "I'm stuck in the past and it's been 3 years and let's get back together, cuz i just know" ridiculousness so much as having a modern-day frienship that if it's naturally supposed to go somewhere romantic, it will...essentially, starting completely over with an old flame because after any more than a year or so, you're not dealing with the same person so you're only foolish to say you want someone you dont even know anymore.

Maybe it's just me but i've never written either of my two serious exes off permanently (though I'd have to pursue them not the other way around and haven't/am not doing that so perhaps that doesnt mean much), but circumstances vary.

So Always a Bridesmaid, are you completely ignoring letter or responding in kind? I'd wonder, does you agreeing to meet him for coffee mean you're re-admitting to vulnerability/falling in love with the guy? If not, then why not? If yes and it's a hassle, your reluctance makes sense but what does that mean then if he claims to feel the same?


Always a Bridesmaid said...

The Greek - The Murse lives out of state now. So, no. No coffee dates planned.

MG said...

Out of state??? and then wrote a letter??? and the letter was what, asking you back? or suggesting you talk about it??? (how annoying is this question mark thing i'm doing?)

ok i change my mind completely on the subject now. this whole thing is stupid and if he wanted to say such things to you, he should have just called you on the phone or (attempted to) schedule something for when he was back in town...

forget what I said before, when someone wants to be legit I may have a radically different, but no less solid, opinion on the subject of dealing with ex's than some of your other readers.

Anonymous said...


Back my response re: Socks. He couldn't call because (one of the following):
1. Should I call now or wait until I am in town?
2. Should I call during the week or wait until AAB has more time, like the weekend?
3. Should I call her home, cell or office?

How could he be expected to make these decisions?

So, Greek, I hope you can agree with AAB and her Blogrents, when she says it is not happening!


PS Greek, you are loquacious!

Christina K said...

I love the blogrents' comments on this post! AAB, can totes see resemblances in your vernacular.