Fools need not apply

Did you forget about the finders' fee, peeps? Just don't set me up with a guy who's a joke. :)

Happy April Fool's Day!

It's a small world after all

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Cleveland really is six degrees of separation. Case in point: I was at a holiday party this weekend and saw:

• A guy I went on one date with (I actually wrote about him here)


• A guy who was in the Sexy Singles article in Cleveland Magazine with me (of course, he's now married and I'm still a questionably sexy single)


• My boss' son (nothing romantic there -- just thought it was weird to see him)

I'm really starting to think I am like two or three degrees away from every person in Cleveland. Which I suppose also means I *may* be only two or three degrees away from all of the cute, eligible, single guys in Cleveland too.

Which also means that YOU probably know one of them. Ahem. What are you waiting for? Wouldn't a little finders' fee help with your holiday shopping right about now? Just sayin'.

I mean, it is time for some Holidating. (P.S. Thanks to everyone who contributed suggestions and/or voted to name this month's dating adventures!) Dontcha wanna put a little something under my tree?

Not much to update on...

... but I have a feeling that may all change tomorrow.

Why, you ask? Well, I agreed to go to an event with my crazy fun 60-year-old aunt. My crazy fun 60-year-old aunt who is totes into fixing me up and claiming the finders' fee.

She told me she's got someone she "wants to introduce me to." And she's already claiming rights to the finders' fee.

For the sweet love of Jesus and Mary. Well, even if nothing pans out with this guy, I can guarantee you there will at least be a good story associated with it, if I know my aunt at all.

(And if it totally sucks, at least I know there will be homemade limoncello to down at her house afterward. Eff the trying to steer clear of drinking thing.)

I mean, I thought last Friday's "cock hunt outing" (so termed by my friend and her hubs, who had been planning a manhunt outing for weeks) was embarrassing enough. But I have a feeling that tomorrow may be even more... umm... interesting.

(And in case you're wondering, the cock hunt was a bust. But I still had fun with my pregs friend and her very determined hubs/my wingman.)

So, while you're all waiting for updates on tomorrow's adventure with my aunt, put on your thinking caps... because it's time to name September's dating adventures!!

What do you think? September to Remember? SeptMENber? September Salami? Whaddya got for me?

You know you've been in a lot of weddings when...

... someone comes up and tells you that they saw a picture of you in a florist's "look book" when they were checking out vendors for their wedding.

True story. (It just happened to me yesterday.)

Speaking of pictures, have you heard about this new contest that the Cleveland Museum of Art is doing to promote its Summer Solstice bash? They're going to be posting pictures every day of different places around Cleveland as seen through the eye of a pool noodle. If you comment on a pic, you are entered to win Solstice tickets and a free CMA membership.

This, of course, got me thinking. What if my readers emailed me pictures of places they think I should go to meet boys? I mean, I do tend to frequent a lot of the same places time and again... which also means I see the same (often married or taken) boys time and again.

Maybe I need to venture out a bit more?

(For example... I recently went to the Starbucks at 271 and Chagrin -- a rare visit for this West Side chic -- for a business meeting and the place was FILLED with cute boys. Unfortch, I was with my CEO at the time so I couldn't exactly pull out my mackin' moves.)

So consider this your charge, guys. Email me a picture of a place in Cleveland that you think I should go to meet some new potentials for JDMFJCS June. Contest ends... well... at the end of June. (Duh.) The prize is the finders' fee (provided I end up with a dude that I met at your suggested locale) and me writing about your brilliant suggestion on the blog.

If all goes well, maybe I'll even have a date to take to that Summer Solstice party...

Men-morial Day typo

I just started to write a post about how I feel like I've been having writer's block lately, and I accidentally typed "writer's cock" instead. Ummm... yeah.

I will leave you with that little tidbit in anticipation of the upcoming long holiday weekend. Talk to you in a few days!

(And seriously... have fun this weekend. Be safe! Eat a lot! And get crackin' on that finders' fee while you're out celebrating and enjoying this gorge weather!)

"I'd love to meet a nice Italian girl, but..."

Seeing my friends Markiella yesterday reminded me of a funny story that I don't think I shared with you guys yet.

It all goes back several weeks, when I was at a party with Markiella and their families. I chatted with the mom of the XX half of Markiella for a good portion of the party, and she just couldn't understand how I am still single.

(I have a way of winning over the over 50 crowd. And eliciting the "how are you still single" question.)

Fast forward a couple of weeks, when I received a tweet (via Twitter, for those of you who may be as technologically backwards as me) from the XY half of Markiella, telling me that his mother-in-law (from the party) had a potential guy for me.

(I don't think the XY half had told his m-i-l about the finders' fee, so I assume he was acting as the go-between to maybe get his little hands on it.)

Apparently, his mother-in-law has a lot of interaction with professional guys all day as a result of her job (get your heads out of the gutter, you pigs), and she had one in particular who she had her eye on for me.

After I gave the go-ahead to attempt a fix up (hey, April Adventures, people!), his mother-in-law asked the potential suitor if he'd like to meet a nice Italian girl.

The potential suitor responded that he'd love to. Except that he's gay.

Soooo... I guess I should have been a teensy bit more specific about my prereqs for a guy. Funny. Family-oriented. Wears a watch (or in some other way showcases his responsibility). Has a job that he likes. Aaaaand... likes girls.

(I know, I know. You're remembering how I just recently professed the gay guy as my "type." But I'm fairly certain it would not work out in the real world of dating.)

On the bright side, I do know that Markiella's mom/mother-in-law definitely has the right kind of guy in mind for me. Now she just needs to make sure he likes girls too.

Damn you, Tax Man

No, not because I owe money on my taxes this year. Because even the effing Tax Man reminds me I'm single. To all my friends who have gotten married in the past year (many of whom I've served as bridesmaids for, natch), I say this:



The only good thing about the whole taxes process is that I'm actually getting a decent return this year, which will probably be spent on this.

(And by "probably," I mean "will." But don't worry -- there's still enough left over to make good on the finders' fee! So get crackin', peeps.)

March Madness

I serve on a couple of nonprofit boards in my non-blogging life, one of which I currently serve as membership director for. Our membership drive was incredibly successful this year, thanks to some inventive membership drive ideas. We've already doubled our new member goals, and the program year isn't even over yet!

So why am I telling you this? I've decided I should transfer those abilities to my dating life. Enter Manhunt March. And, like any successful membership drive, there's strength in numbers. I need your recruiting help!

Just like my nonprofit membership drive, Manhunt March will work something like this:

• Identify possible candidates (duh)


• Ask if they're members yet (in this case, we'll need to find out if they're members of the "married club" yet)


• Sell them on the benefits of joining (tell them you have a funny, cute, smart girl to fix them up with)


• Have them fill out a membership application (get his number and email)


• Forward his application to me (and wait with bated breath for that finders' fee!)

Simple as that, right?

The other key to a successful membership drive, of course, is to define parameters for timing (in this case, we're talking all of March) and to incentivize recruiters in some way (enter the finders' fee).

If I can blow my numbers out of the water for my nonprofit's membership drive, I'm thinking Manhunt March might just yield a lot of new potential boys.

And probably at least a couple of juicy blog stories.

Now go get out and recruit! And once you find a potential new member, email me. Happy hunting!! ;)

Stimulate THIS!

With the ongoing recession in my dating life, just a friendly reminder:

During this economic crisis, don't forget about the $1,000* finders' fee.

*Amount of fee subject to change based upon quality and hotness of "found" suitor.

What a great birthday... er... birth-weekend

I've had a few bday celebrations this week and got lots of fun swag. I'm so thankful to my friends and family for helping me kick this year off right.

I love everything I got (including the two cans of Pringles from blogparents -- which were also tucked in a bag with a gorge garnet/diamond ring... my birthstone) and am so thankful for everyone's thoughtful gifts. (Blogaunt even put together an "I read your blog so I know what you need" kit -- including a g.c. so I can go buy some new undies.) What am I MOST excited to try, though?

This, from sissies:
Why? Because, without it, my hair would literally look like this:

It's one thing to have Tina Turner's legs. It's another to have her hair.

Also... for all of you who have been complaining that the blog has been devoid of good boy stories this year, stay tuned. Had a couple of convos this weekend with people who have potential finders' fee material (read: boys) in the wings.

Which means that maybe my "if your birthday is today" horoscope (which was tucked into one of my bday cards) will come true: If you are single, you enter a new phase in your dating life. Someone quite substantial to your life's history will appear in the near future.

Fun! Thanks again, everyone!

Smooches!!

Love is blind (but maybe my dates shouldn't be)

You've probably noticed that I haven't written about many... check that... any boy interactions lately. Well, that's because there haven't been any.

I still have a couple of prospects floating out there, but I'm still just really not feeling the dating scene right now. Or maybe I'm just really not feeling those guys any more. I don't know how to explain it, but I just sort of feel like this:

Why am I in such a funk? Blech. Maybe I just need a fun nite out to give me a chance to meet someone on my own versus getting set up with a bunch of random dudes that I probably would never pick for myself anyhow. Maybe the finders' fee is just not working.

Anyone looking for some fun Always a Bridesmaid action this weekend? I promise not to bring my funky attitude. Or a white cane.*

*Unless some really gross/pervy guy tries to talk to me, in which case I am totally pretending to be blind so I can punch him in the face while pretending I'm going to "feel" what his face looks like. Wow. I'm in a better mood already.

My blog gets more action than I do

Picture it. It's a couple of days after Christmas. I'm sitting on the couch at one of my sissy's houses reading the January issue of Cleveland Magazine. I come across the "Hot Blogs" feature in the magazine. I scream.

Why? Because this little blog -- 27 Dresses in Cleveland -- was one of the blogs they highlighted! (Yes, the one you're reading right this second! The one that was on cleveland.com a couple of weeks ago!)

Thanks, Cleveland Mag! So fun! Are you trying to get in on the finders' fee action too?

Counting my blessings (but not my bad dates)

This is a great time of year to reflect on all of the wonderful things in your life: your friends and family, your health, your ability to eat Melt on a regular basis without gaining weight. (I'm blessed with the first two, but definitely not the last.)

I was honored to share in the special days of two of my very best friends this year. Two more bridesmaid notches under my belt, two more incredibly happily married friends.

We were able to start the wedding season festivities by doing the robot at Carrie's bachelorette party:


And having a ton of fun on her wedding day (this is one of our fancy shots of the day):


Then came Molly's bachelorette party (featuring penis straws, as modeled by me here):


And her awesomely wonderful wedding day:


And sprinkled in between all of my bridesmaid duties were vacations with my college friends (who are now spread out all over the Midwest and East Coast):


Any my family (not pictured, but also on vacay: blogdad, my brothers-in-law and Brissy):


And while I celebrated all of these occasions without a significant other to share them with, I still never lost sight of the wonderful people who are in my life each and every day.

(Plus, I just thought it was really funny to post this many pictures with people's faces blacked out.)

So I guess I just want to say thank you to all of my holla-awesome friends and family (and readers! I think you rock too!), and wish everyone an even happier, more joyful and blessed 2009.

And, please, for the love of all things holy... keep working on that finders' fee! :)

Much happiness in the New Year -




Always a Bridesmaid


P.S. See? I did listen to all you guys about how I should wear my hair for Molly's wedding. (That's where this pic is from.)

P.P.S. I'm heading to Philly for a few days to celebrate NYE with a couple of the college roomies pictured above. Blog to you in '09!

Things that make me go HMMMM...

How the hell does Drew Peterson -- whose third wife was killed and fourth wife is still missing -- get engaged to YET ANOTHER woman?

Granted, I would never want to marry a wife killer... but it just makes me wonder how some (horrible, horrible) people can couple up like it's their jobs... and other (smart, funny, cute) ones (ahem... no names mentioned, of course) can't find a boy toy to save their lives. Something is wrong with the world when this guy can find five women who are willing to marry him and I can't even find one. (Not a woman, of course... but you catch my drift.)

Anyhow, I really think this guy's name should be Eeeew Peterson. Because he is just disgusting. (Translation: he would not qualify for the finders' fee.)

Time for a diet

Just got off the phone with a new potential, The Teacher. How did we meet, you ask? Well, we technically haven't. His sister is friends with my friend Aimee, and the two of them conspired to introduce us. (Plus, Aimee's got two kids to feed and I think she wants in on the finders' fee.)

What. A. Nice. Guy.

I mean, I guess anyone can fool you into thinking they're nice in the span of 20 minutes, but he just seemed genuinely nice. And not in the too nice sort of way either. (Unlike a guy I once went out with who literally said, "Wowee!" instead of swearing. Shit you not.)

Sounds like he's close with his family (a plus), has a job that he likes (a plus) and has a good sense of humor (a definite plus).

HOWEVER... I'm sure you're wondering why I titled this entry "time for a diet." As if I'm not self-conscious enough as it is about my body, The Teacher told me that he did an amateur body building competition a few months ago for the first time... and won. (Also weird: he sounds almost exactly like The Banker on the phone.)

(In his defense, he only brought up the body building thing because he was worried that they sent me a picture of him from the competition and he thought that would have been queer.)

Holy crap! I just ate fifty pounds of stuffing on Thanksgiving! I mean, I need to wear Spanx under my Spanx right now! I can't date a freaking body builder!

Side note: in true six degrees of separation form, The Teacher knows a kid that I went to high school with (who stalked me after the Cleveland Magazine singles article I was in a couple of years ago). They played baseball together for a little while in college. Is it just me, or is Cleveland shrinking?

Anyhow, the conversation ended without discussion of a specific meeting day/time, but with the intention to talk again soon.

Guess that gives me some time to wrap myself in Saran Wrap and garbage bags and jump on a treadmill.

These guys are all turkeys

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

I know I haven't written about many boy interactions lately because... well... there haven't been a lot to talk about.

(That's sort of a lie. I was preoccupied with Molly's wedding and some other stuff going on.)

But, in the case that you are looking for some easy reading to lull you into your Turkey Day tryptophan nap, here's a quick rundown of some of the lame (read: sad, boring and going nowhere) boy encounters I've had over the past couple of weeks:

• The Cop Facebook friended me. I accepted the request, but didn't do anything after that. Then I got a FB message from him a few days later that said, "You should call me sometime. Or text." Oh, yes, Cop. That has the makings of the start of an awesome new relationship.


• The Lawyer apparently did not get the hint after I ditched out on the prom. He called last week, but I was in Target (where my phone never works) so I missed the call. Then I got wrapped up in Molly's wedding stuff and never called him back. (Not that I really wanted to anyhow... if it were someone I really liked, I think I would have found the time to call.) THEN, I got an email from him earlier this week just checking in. UGH.


• I got cornered by The Chef at Molly's rehearsal dinner, but I think he's relatively harmless at this point. However, he did block my path to the bathroom -- literally -- then walked me to the bathroom (and seemingly almost came in!).


• The Banker just sent a text that said, "Happy Thanksgiving! Gobble gobble!!!" WTF? I haven't talked to him since the '60s. Plus, I'm fairly certain this was one of those mass texts that he probs sent to every girl in his phone. I think he's just looking for someone to stuff this Thanksgiving, if you know what I mean. Sorry, Banker.

Thankfully, there are a couple of new prospects on the horizon (most of whom I haven't even talked to yet -- they are finders' fee potentials). Let's hope they aren't turkeys too.

Note: one of the new potentials is a referral from a girl who once fixed up my friend Michele with a guy who wore jorts (jean shorts), pump tennis shoes and a concert tee on their first (and only) date. So, if nothing else, this should make for some good blog reading if it doesn't work out. Stay tuned!

My new anthem

I. AM. OBSESSED.

Seriously. I can't stop listening to "Single Ladies" by Beyonce/Sasha/Mrs. Jay-Z/whatever the hell name she's going by these days.

Appropriate, no? I mean, I am painfully single right now. In fact, I was the only single bridesmaid in the wedding this weekend, and one of the only single girls at the wedding PERIOD.

(However, I did have several folks interested in getting in on the finders' fee action at the wedding. Interesting. Stay tuned on that one.)

Til then, I am going to continue blaring Ms. Beyonce's song on my computer, on my iPod, in my car and anywhere else I can get my ears on it.

Now I just gotta me some of those Dereon jeans.

(Hey, it sounds like it works for Miss B.: I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips, got me tighter than my Dereon jeans.)

It's in the (hand)bag!

I've been remiss in posting poll questions for a couple of weeks. Sorry!

This week's question is a follow-up to a conversation I had with a friend the other nite. While telling a group of people about the finders' fee, I mentioned to Allison (who is a fashionista) that I would make the finders' fee a cute Louis Vuitton purse (vs. straight cash) if she found me a man.

And that's all it took. The next day, I had a message in my inbox with two pics of her cousin, some basic info about him -- even some suggested meet-up locations!

Moral of the story? I'm willing to adjust the finders' fee to be something that would be custom-tailored to you.

As long as the guy you suggest is custom-tailored for me. :)

Dancing with the Stars: Florida Edition (aka Dancing in the Bars)

Just landed a couple of hours ago from my long weekend trip to Florida with my friend Molly. We had a great time (in spite of the crappy weather for most of the trip), ate a ton of good meals (steak, sushi and seafood dinners) and spent a lot of unanticipated cash (read: we were determined to come back with at least a LITTLE color, so when the weather didn't cooperate we found a tanning salon that did).

And, so as to not disappoint you, we did get one good boy incident out of the weekend.

(I'm not kidding when I say that Molly was on the hunt for a guy just so we could get a blog story out of it.)

We met up with Molly's future bro-in-law's wife's sister (is that confusing enough for you?), who is a super cute 26-year-old girl who lives in Naples. Naturally, we figured Paige would be able to show us a good time, and she did not disappoint.

She met us for a drink on Friday nite, learned about this blog and the finders' fee, then had a bunch of her friends meet up with us later in the nite. That's when I met The Florida Dancing Guy.

He and I actually didn't talk much at the first bar we were at (truth be told, I was convinced he was talking to a transvestite for most of the nite), but something bizarre happened at the second bar.

While "Barefoot Gino" played his one-man band at the back of the second bar (I can't make this stuff up), The Florida Dancing Guy grabbed me, said he loved to dance, told me how sexy I was and pulled me toward the dance floor.

He then proceeded to whip me around Dancing with the Stars style (side note: I am secretly obsessed with that show), accidentally elbow me in the mouth during one of his spin maneuvers, then end our routine with a full-on dip. The only thing missing were the sequins and judging cards.

We ended up hanging out the rest of the nite, he fed me every line in the book and tried his best to make a sleepover happen.

Much to his chagrin, the only person I shared a bed with during the trip was Molls. (Mostly because we only wanted to have one set of sheets to wash when we left, and we are both pretty much the most still/lifeless sleepers you have ever met so it wasn't a big deal to share a king-size bed.)

So while The Florida Dancing Guy probably didn't get what he wanted, Paige got a mention on the blog, I got a good workout on the dance floor and a whole host of folks in Naples now know about the finders' fee.

Birthday a-go-go (or a-Lago)

SURPRISE! I couldn't write about this yesterday b/c I wasn't sure if my friend Christina knew what we were doing for her bday (she didn't). Her hubby Phil planned a dinner get-together at Lago in Tremont for her 30th bday, complete with a cake that was a replica of the purse he bought her to commemorate the occasion.

We had lots of laughs all nite (and MANY "that's what she saids"). And while I did not meet the future Mr. Always a Bridesmaid, I did get a lead on a couple of potentials from a friend's GF and told her that I would consider upping the finders' fee to make things move a bit faster. Looking forward to seeing what comes of that discussion.

The only real guy stories to speak of for last nite included our waiter, Walter, who gave my friend Vikki a piece of paper with all of his contact information on it (including his height, weight and eye/hair color -- though I'm not sure why, since he was basically Howard Stern's twin and I don't think we'd forget that). We're still not sure why he gave Vik his digits and email (and physical description), other than he heard her say her hubs was out of town and maybe was hoping for a little "while the cat's away" action.

Also had a run-in with The Chef from the nite of my friend Molly's bachelorette party. Thankfully, I was MUCH more coherent this time, so I know nothing inappropriate was said (i.e., "you should come to the wedding with me!") or done (i.e., sticking a penis straw in his face every two seconds).

Other than that, we just had fun helping Christina celebrate her big bday. (Or should I say bmonth? I swear, I have never seen someone so excited to be turning 30!)

We knew the nite went well when we heard the Edith Bunker voice come out on Christina (it's her "drunk voice"). Thankfully for her, Phil is no Archie.