So you might want to try THIS one...

Remember my post about pick-up lines that should never be used? Well, I heard one last nite that is absolutely amazing. I can't stop laughing about it.

Truth be told, it wasn't used on me by a guy who I might be interested in. (And I'm not sure I'd think it was as funny if it were.) In fact, the man who said it to me was a friend's nearly-50-year-old uncle. (He was just joking. And drunk. I think.)

Anyhow, here goes:

UNCLE JIMMY: Do you know what your problem is? (said in a sort of mean tone)

ME: [blank/uncomfortable stare, while glancing over at my friend whose uncle this is]

UNCLE JIMMY: Absolutely noooothing. (said in a very schmaltzy tone)

Baaa haaa haaa! I don't know why I think that's so funny, but I do. Please try this line out over the next week and let me know how it goes!

Say it with me now

First, thanks to my sissy and friends who took me out for a yummy sushi outing last nite. (Only one sissy ended up making it out -- the other had some physical ailments that you really don't want to read about here. Trust me.)

Anyhow, in preparation for the family bday get-together this weekend (where we will undoubtedly talk about blog topics before, during or after playing Electronic Catch Phrase), I just wanted to give blogdad a quick primer on how to properly pronounce the word "blog." Please see below:

"BLOG"

And there you have it. Have a good weekend, everyone!

Happy Hoff-day

My friend Jenn is one sick puppy. She just sent me this birthday greeting, which grossed me out so much that I thought you should all feel the pain too. ;)

You say it's your birthday... na na na na na naaah

It's my birthday too, yeah.

OK, first I must apologize for getting that song stuck in your head all day. (Though I could have been really mean and put the Olive Garden version of the birthday song in your head instead. So, you're welcome.)

Anyhow, yesterday's stormageddon reminded me why having a late January birthday pretty much sucks ass. Why, you ask?

• SNOW STORMS. As a kid, I remember having birthday parties cancelled because of the weather. "But blogmooooooooooooooom... when am I going to get my presents?"


• Which brings me to point two: PRESENTS. It's not that the presents themselves stink. It's that you pretty much get all of your presents for the year (Christmas and birthday) within the span of about a month, then spend the next 11 months waiting for another one. And, as you get older, you start to feel guilty about having a late-January birthday when your friends and family start complaining about how they're low on cash after the holidays but they know your birthday is coming up yadda yadda yadda. Newsflash: it's not my fault that I was born when I was. Talk to blogmom and blogdad about that one.


• THE SUPERBOWL. In addition to the weather spoiling my birthday, the stupid Superbowl always interfered with my parties as a kid. As a little girl, I never "got" why the grown-ups couldn't come to my party because of the Superbowl because, after all, the Browns weren't playing. (Some things never change.) Now I "get" that Superbowl parties are just basically an excuse for adults to eat and drink to excess for no good reason. Which actually has the makings of an awesome birthday party now that I'm 33.


• VALENTINE'S DAY. I've learned (from experience!) that if you're single at Christmas, you're probably still going to be single on your late-January birthday. Which means you're probably still not going to be dating someone by the time the little diapered cherub pops up a couple of weeks later.

That said, I am grateful that I'm heading out to dinner tonite with my sissies and a couple of friends (which I planned for myself -- HA!). And, on Saturday, blogparents are having my sissies, bros-in-law and me (alone) over for a homemade pasta/Electronic Catchphrase soiree.

Why are we doing the family get-together on a Saturday nite? Well, because the Superbowl is on this Sunday, silly. (And even worse... my one bro-in-law is a huge Steelers fan.)

Now if only we could get the bad weather to hit Tampa...

P.S. an early birthday present yesterday... a shout-out in Cool Cleveland about my pick-up lines post. Fun!

(Blog)daddy dearest

Oh my. Looks like we might have some fun boy stories on the way, courtesy of blogdad.

I got out of jazzerci... I mean... cardio class tonite and found a voicemail from blogdad. I called him back, and he asked several questions about my upcoming birthday (what kind of cake do I want? what time should everyone come over? how should we coordinate picking up my gift at the jeweler, etc.). But I could tell there was something more going on in that head of his.

Blogdad: So, have you talked to The Italian Stallion? (Reminder: blogdad gave The Italian Stallion my number back in December. They know each other through their jobs.)

Me: We talked a couple of times before Christmas, but then it just sort of fizzled out over the holidays, and we didn't talk again after that.

Blogdad: Well, I'm going to give your number to someone else then. I'm tired of reading all these guest posts on your blaaaaahhhg. (Always a Bridesmaid sidenote: blogdad pronounces the word "blog" exactly as I have spelled it, and it makes my sissies and me chuckle every time we hear it.)

Me: (Giggling. Because of the aforementioned pronunciation of "blog.") Oh, no. Who?

Blogdad: Another guy I work with. He's 35 and never been married. He's the one who does the modeling on the side too. (AAB sidenote: blogdad had mentioned this guy to me once before.)

Me: Sweet Jesus and Mary.

So, I haven't come up with a name for this guy yet because, let's be honest... I'm running out of clever names and have decided I need to at least talk to a guy before he gets a name on the blog.

Between The Teacher (who was also a bodybuilder on the side - though that option sort of fizzled over the holidays too) and this model guy, what are you guys trying to do to me? This has the potential to make for some bitchy "dieting AAB" posts. Which could actually be pretty fun.

Man Monday

We're giving TMGB a week off (he needs to recover from his Dirty Thirty anyhow) to bring you a reader question from an XY.

I know I’ve said this before, but I’m always amazed that boys read this blog. (Actually, I’m amazed that anyone reads it!)

Anyhow, I got an email from a boy this weekend – we’ll call him In Too Deep (because he requested a blog name and this story has to do with swimming… sort of) – asking for your advice with his love life. Specifically, he wants to know why girls play games. (Duh. Because we’re getting back at the boys who do the same thing to us!)

In the interest of time (yours!), I’ve shortened the story/background for you. (And it’s STILL long. TWSS.) Take a read and help a brother out in the comments section.

*****

I met this girl three Saturdays ago when we were out in a large group of mutual friends. I thought she was cute, but I was getting the vibe that he had a boyfriend or something.

I took a leap of faith and started talking to her. Turns out she's a swim coach and this was her one night out in quite a while due to work obligations. We exchanged numbers and I told her I'd give her a call sometime next week.

Everyone leaves, I'm on my way home and get a text from her saying, "it was great meeting you, etc., etc.” I reply back, “you too, I'll call you this week & maybe we can meet up for dinner.”

We met for dinner that Thursday, had a great time and could have spent the whole night talking, but alas the restaurant was closing and they kicked us out. After the "first date,” I heard from some of our mutual friends that she talked about how excited she was for this date, what a great guy I am, etc.

Since then we've spent time together two more times and I just generally have had a great time when I'm with her.

Fast forward to yesterday. (Always a Bridesmaid sidenote: “yesterday” was Saturday in this email.) I hadn’t talked to her for a couple of days. I was trying to play it cool, but inside it was killing me to not say hi to her or ask how her day was going.

So I get a text from her in the early evening saying that her swim meet just ended and that she'd call and let me know if she was going out so we could meet up.

I went out with a couple friends and didn't hear back from her. No big deal, I thought. But she ended up going out with some of her friends, and by a stroke of luck we all ended up at the same bar.

She came over and said hi to me, gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and that was about it for the night. She talked to me very little the whole evening and she kept complaining about being tired, wanting to go home. I offered to take her home if she wanted to go, but she kept insisting I had been drinking (which I was, but I would never put my life in danger, let alone someone else's). She ended up calling a cab for herself.

On my way home I sent her a text, telling her I hoped she made it home and to have a good night. As of 5pm today (AAB sidenote: “today” is Sunday in this letter), that message has not be returned.

Obviously she likes me (she's initiated both times we went out together) and made the first move in the kissing thing (pathetic, I know!). So what was her issue last night? Is she playing hard to get? Did the fact that I was wearing a hat last night turn her off? Should I have worn black instead of blue? Or is she seeing if I can crack?

*****

Personally, I don’t think she’s playing games, In Too Deep. Maybe she’s just fed up with being the one to initiate everything? You said it yourself. SHE initiated your dates, SHE initiated your first kiss, and SHE was the one who came over to you at the bar on Saturday nite. Did you go over to her at any point on Saturday nite to pay special attention to her? And have you ever actually called her to chat? Or are you one of those serial texting guys? Maybe she thinks you're the one playing games, and that you're not interested in her.

What advice do you guys have for In Too Deep?

Public service announcement to men: do NOT use these lines

Someone forwarded me this hilarious article called "10 Cute Pickup Lines that Will Make Her Laugh." Well, the article made me laugh alright. At the idea that some poor unassuming guy could actually think these lines might help them with the ladies.

Seriously.

Let's take a gander at the author's suggested pick-up lines. I've bolded the particularly offensive ones:

• Your shoe is untied. Can I tie it for you?


• Have you ever had a guy follow you across the street (or into a coffeehouse, onto the Metro) because he liked your smile?


• Say...didn't we go to different schools at the same time?


• Do you have a quarter? I want to call your parents and thank them.


• My name is Elmo. You can tickle me anytime.


• You're someone I could really blog about!


• Were we lovers in a past life?


• Did you drop this? (Hold out a dollar or a pen.)


• I've heard sex is a killer. Want to die happy?


• The body is made up of 90% water and I'm thirsty.

Ahem. See? I told you. HORRIBLE.

But the author isn't entirely wrong or misleading with the title of this article. If a guy used any of these lines on me, I would laugh. In his face.

What's the worst pick-up line you've ever heard?

Are we in Arizona?

No, not because of the weather. (At least, not if you're living in snow-covered Cleveland!)

Because of the drought. My dating drought.

I just got a call from a couple (T-n-T), who were calling to tell me that my blog has been sort of boring since the new year because I haven't had any good boy stories.

Let me do the simple math for you:

Always a Bridesmaid + No Dates = No Boy Encounters to Write about for the Blog

So I'm sorry if you guys have been bored with my dating life lately. (Hey, it's been no picnic for me either.)

But I've been doing my best to keep you entertained in the meantime! (I mean, your life will never be the same after learning about mantyhose, right?)

Anyhow, I promise I will find something to do tonite that will put me in a position to possibly meet some boys. And, if all goes well, we'll all have some fun stories to enjoy afterward.

Mail for a male?

I got a creepy letter in the mail today. It was addressed to me with no return address, and I did not recognize the handwriting. It was eerily lightweight (like there might not even be anything inside). After doing some inspecting to see if there was any sort of white powdery substance sneaking out from the crevices, I decided to press my luck and open the envelope.

Inside, I found a small piece of paper with a photocopied "Prayer to Find a Soulmate."

Whoa, God. Am I in that much trouble that you are actually sending me a hard copy prayer to help me find me a man? I thought you could just blink your eyes or wave your arms or something to make that happen. My love life must be in worse shape than I thought.

Later, while checking emails (I was in a meeting all day and had lots of catching up to do), I saw an email from blogaunt warning me that a family friend had copied and sent a prayer to me, and blogaunt didn't want me to get "spooked" when I got the letter with no return address.

Um, too late, blogaunt. I had already thought it was a letter from God! Some mail for a male! And Holy Mail (or is it Holy Male?!?!?) at that!

Regardless, I already said the prayer once and plan to do it several times a week. Hey, it can't hurt, right?

In the meantime, maybe God will send me a pair of shoes from Nordstrom tomorrow.

Love is blind (but maybe my dates shouldn't be)

You've probably noticed that I haven't written about many... check that... any boy interactions lately. Well, that's because there haven't been any.

I still have a couple of prospects floating out there, but I'm still just really not feeling the dating scene right now. Or maybe I'm just really not feeling those guys any more. I don't know how to explain it, but I just sort of feel like this:

Why am I in such a funk? Blech. Maybe I just need a fun nite out to give me a chance to meet someone on my own versus getting set up with a bunch of random dudes that I probably would never pick for myself anyhow. Maybe the finders' fee is just not working.

Anyone looking for some fun Always a Bridesmaid action this weekend? I promise not to bring my funky attitude. Or a white cane.*

*Unless some really gross/pervy guy tries to talk to me, in which case I am totally pretending to be blind so I can punch him in the face while pretending I'm going to "feel" what his face looks like. Wow. I'm in a better mood already.

A palindrome birthday wish

I suppose I should start this post by first defining the word "palindrome" for those of you who can't remember back to third grade. Palindromes are words that you can read forwards and backwards. Like level. Or racecar. Or go hang a salami. (That last one is I'm a lasagna hog backwards, in case you're wondering.)

So... I'm turning the big 33 next week. (Let's not talk about it too much. It will be the last year that I'll be able to say I'm in my "early 30s," and I'm not happy about it. But now you get the palindrome reference, right?)

Anyhow, I thought it'd be fun to try to get up to 33 "official" blog followers/readers to commemorate the big day. (I know you're out there. I have a blog traffic tracker.)

Whaddya say? Check out the box right over there (<----) and just click on the "Follow this blog" link above all those squares of folks who have already admitted to following my sad dating life. It's not hard at all! (That's what she said.)

Hope to see you following soon! (I mean, it's really not that much to ask for my bday, is it? It's not like I asked you for a new Louis Vuitton. Or a boyfriend. Though I'd take one and/or both of those too.)

P.S. Should we be at all concerned that the original version of this cake picture (before my *sweet* image editing skills kicked in) said, "Happy 30th Birthday, Dan"??? Yes, you read that right. DAN. True story.

*****

UPDATE: Yeah! Got my wish! (And within less than a day. You guys are great!) But, I hope that doesn't deter you from following too if you want to sign up. I'd love to know how many of you are reading the blog with some regularity!

*****

UPDATE 2: Hmmmph. Someone unsubscribed. (The nerve! HA!) So disregard my jubilance in the above update.

Man Monday

Hi, friends! Welcome to another installment of Man Monday, featuring TMGB. Looks like he and I will BOTH be single this year on our birthdays. (Unless I find someone in the next 10 days. And he finds someone, like, tomorrow.)

*****

Does anyone remember the scene from the movie True Lies when Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character Harry Tasker discovers (or thinks he discovers) his wife having an affair, and sneaks out of her office back to his car, where his partner played by Tom Arnold is waiting? Arnold’s character immediately begins trying to cheer Tasker up saying: “Hey, she still loves you, man. She just wants to bang this guy for a while.” Tasker then picks up Arnold’s character by the shirt collar, slams him in the SUV they’re driving, and says: “STOP! Cheering me UP!”

With my 30th birthday now a mere 3 days away, the likelihood is that, unless a 10-years-younger version of Giada DiLaurentis shows up on my doorstep sometime in the next 72 hours, I will be single, again, on my birthday. Of course, having your birthday smack in the middle of the worst time of the year to be single adds insult to injury, which I’m sure AAB can attest to. And my well-meaning family and friends, in an attempt to cheer me up, have been sending me the craziest suggestions about things I should do to attenuate my singleness on my birthday.

Besides the obvious suggestions of partying at some strip club, there have been some really hilarious ideas out there. The funniest? Well I definitely think that honor goes to one of my old frat brothers from college, who suggested that I should fly out to Las Vegas, NV the weekend of January 9-11 to attend the Adult Video Network, or AVN, awards.

For those of you blissfully unaware, the AVN awards are the Oscars of the adult video industry. I will leave it to your more than capable imaginations to discern what the award categories are. The award ceremonies are attended by all manner of porn stars posing for photos and signing autographs. Would commiserating with porn stars make me feel better about being single? Maybe. But it would also make me wonder whether there was a man size vat of Purell to dip myself in at the end of the evening. I politely declined that one.

Another friend suggested that I fly out to the West Coast to attend a seminar on how to pick up women hosted by Mystery, star of the VH-1 reality show The Pick-Up Artist. For those that haven’t seen the show, 8 guys who are clueless about women are trained by Mystery, supposedly the world’s greatest pick up artist, on the ways of love. Every episode a contestant is eliminated, and at the end the winner receives $50,000 as well as the title master pick up artist.

Apparently, Mystery is capitalizing on the show’s popularity and is now teaching the ways of love to paying clients. The cost of a weekend seminar? A mere $3,500! It seems this friend didn’t get the memo that I purchased a condo and new car early last year when the economy was still in relatively good shape, and I don’t have that kind of cash to throw around right now. Sorry!

Other suggestions? Well, someone sent me a link to the article “Marry Him! The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” from the March 2008 edition of The Atlantic magazine. The article’s author, a 40-year-old single mom, exhorts 30-something single women to settle for marrying Mr. Good Enough rather than hold out for Mr. Right. The e-mail that accompanied the link said that I should cheer up, because single women with biological clocks a tickin’ will soon be beating down my front door because I have my own home, a good career, and are reasonably good looking, and that pretty soon I’ll get to be the picky one after spending my 20’s getting crapped on by picky women. Did this make me feel better about being single on my 30th birthday? Eh, not really.

What does make me feel better about being single on my 30th? The knowledge that tomorrow, George W. Bush finally gets out of the White House after 8 disastrous years! As a matter of fact, chances are pretty good that I’ll be partying harder tomorrow than I will on my actual birthday.

Next week, I’ll be back to bring you the case of the cute doctor and her which-team-does-he-play-for boyfriend.

Until then!

Love,
TMGB

Look for me in the hosiery department

OMG, you guys. This story is pretty ridiculous. Go ahead... go read that article then come on back.

(Twiddling thumbs.)

SERIOUSLY.... men wearing pantyhose? I mean, I understand the guy who said he wants to wear them for warmth. (I do the same thing in the winter.) But, for men, isn't that why long underwear was invented?

However, this does give me an idea for a new place to look for guys... the hosiery department! (Hey, we all know I have a history of going after guys who are metrosexual/gay-ish anyhow.)

P.S. Speaking of men (who don't wear mantyhose)... happy bday, blogdad!

I'm just too cute!

OK, maybe I'm not too cute. (I mean, could there even BE such a thing?)
But I guess my blog is too cute. At least, according to Medicated and Motivated it is. Thanks, sweets!

These are the instructions: Pass this along to 10 bloggers who make you feel special. (Well, at least someone is making me feel special right now... 'cuz there certainly aren't any boys in my life right now!)

Anyhow, I'll list 10 bloggers who I really like (either as people or bloggers -- or both!). Check out their blogs and let them know they make you all warm and fuzzy inside too!

(And with the weather the way it is right now, you should take any chance you can to warm up!!)

Anyhow, here are 10 blogs I like to read:

1. cleveland's a plum (Alexa, please note that I did not use any capital letters)


2. I Heart Cleveland (don't ever say you can't find something to do in Cleveland after you read this blog)


3. Postcards from Christina (for those who love to travel -- and EAT!)


4. Simply Married (a little glimpse into the world of newlyweds... I should be there in, oh, about 17 years!)


5. Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Your Boyfriend (just like me... except she's got a BF now)


6. Confessions of a Cohabitant (just like me... except she's got a BF AND she lives with him)


7. That Blue Yak (just started reading this one, but I think he's so funny!)


8. Secret Life of Tova Darling (I love how she's anonymous too!)


9. La Dolce Vita (some funny stories here, peeps -- check out the holiday party post)


10. Shallow and Very, Very Single (I LOL every time I read her posts... and I'm not JK-ing you, FYI)

Anyhow, happy weekend, everyone! At least if it's too cold to go outside you've got some new blogs to check out!

If your blog is listed above, feel free to post this on your site and pass it along to your fave blogs. (But I know you guys all have much more fun blogs than mine, so you're probably sick of getting these blog awards anyhow. And I'm too lazy to post a comment on all of your blogs letting you know I listed you here... so I hope you found out through analytics or something!)

New invention: MENttens

I hate winter. And not because of the snow. (Well, I don't exactly love the snow. But I do love the changing of the seasons, and if we didn't have winter we'd miss Spring and Fall.)

But on to my point. I hate winter. Why? One word: GLOVES.

I have seen many cute boys out and about lately: at Banana Republic (or BaMANa, as you know I've renamed it), walking downtown during lunch, at Heinen's after work.

But they've all had gloves on... so I can't see their hands to tell if they're married or not! (But I do know that they certainly don't have frostbite. Good for them.)

(I suppose I should assume that any man wearing gloves probably has a wife or girlfriend because, really, what guy buys gloves for himself?)

Anyhoo... enter my new invention: MENttens: Gloves for Men. Proof for Ladies.*

(I considered something like "Love Gloves" for a hot minute, but then realized that "love gloves" is probably already patented and means something very, very different for most of you.)

MENttens would work similar to hypercolor shirts from the '80s + a stoplight. Basically, the left ring finger would turn red if the guy were married, yellow if he were in a relationship and green if he were single. (And, seeing as most men are oblivious anyhow, they probably wouldn't even notice the color change when they slipped the gloves on their hands.)

But how could you get guys to actually wear the gloves, especially the ones who are trying to hide their relationship status (once they figured out the color changing trick)? Make the MENttens smell like pizza, look like the interior of some fancy sports car and feel like Heidi Klum's boobs on the inside. Oh, and the more regularly the guy wears them, the bigger his... um... brain gets.

Who wants to place the first order?

*This concept property of Always a Bridesmaid. Any attempt to use this idea without express written consent from the inventor will result in you being required to force Paul Rudd to marry me.

Man Monday

For those of you new to reading this blog (or who have amnesia from last week), here's the second installment of Man Monday, courtesy of TMGB (The Male Guest Blogger for those of you with amnesia... wait... what?... who has amnesia?... where am I?). Enjoy!

*****

First of all, my apologies for the tardiness of this post. You see, U.S. Senator George Voinovich announced his retirement today, and that has caused quite a bit of activity on the political blog that I maintain when I’m not writing guess blog posts for AAB. So, I’m a bit behind schedule today, not that that is atypical of Mondays. But can you believe the insolence of Voinovich to interrupt AAB and I’s carefully planned blogging schedule? The nerve!

Now, I was going to devote this post to telling you about the hilarious attempts by my family and friends to cheer me up about being single on my fast-approaching (10 days away!) 30TH birthday. However, since AAB’s post about me generated such excitement and 10 replies, I thought I’d take a little bit of time to introduce myself instead. Specifically, I just wanted to answer AAB’s questions.

Question #1: Am I an ax murderer? That would negative, ghostrider. I run one of Ohio’s largest political blogs (AAB knows which one. I sent her the link in my first e-mail to her), and have interviewed numerous elected officials, including Ohio Gov. Ted Strickland, Sen. Sherrod Brown, and others. I was approved for press credentials for the Democratic National Convention in Denver this past summer, and I’m sure that the approval process for that involved someone poking around in my not-so-dirty laundry.

I found AAB’s blog in the Plain Dealer’s What bloggers are talking about… column which I read to see if any of my stuff shows up in there. I loved it. She’s hilarious. If I was an axe murderer, I would think that either my employer would have picked up on that and not hired me, or my bank would have picked up on it and not approved me for a mortgage, or something like that. Besides, anyone who knows me would tell you that I’m a big teddy bear. So, nope, not an axe murderer.

Question #2: How tall am I? Before I answer this question, let me just say this.

I understand that women prefer men who are tall, at least as tall as they are. I get that. It’s a mate preference that has been baked right into female DNA over millennia of evolution. OK? I got it.

But, men have their own mate preference that also has been baked right into male DNA over millennia of evolution. That preference is for a woman who has an hourglass figure. And yet, I can’t help but notice that while it would be considered VERY impolite for a man to inquire about a woman’s weight, somehow it’s perfectly okay for a woman to ask a man how tall he is. Hello, double standard.

Can you imagine what would happen to any man who asked a woman he was chatting with online how much she weighed? I can see it now. A mob of angry women showing up to his house with torches and pitchforks, ripping him from his home and driving him out of town with whips and vicious dogs on leashes and drummers like the guy from Progressive Field banging away as they march the poor bastard to the city gates.

All that said, I’m 5 foot 10. :)

Question #3: Do I wear a lot of jewelry? In all seriousness, No. Absolutely not. I wear a watch with a stainless steel band and that’s all. I have a silly superstition that says it would be a bad idea to wear any more than that. It’s silly, but it’s something I wouldn’t tell a girl the reason for unless I really trust her.

Question #4: What does my smile look like? I think its my best feature. :)

Do I meet the critiera for the finders’ fee? Well, I don’t really consider myself a metrosexual. But 5 out of 6 isn’t a bad batting average. (Always a Bridesmaid side note: good thing I'm not a stickler for someone good at math. There are clearly not six questions here, are there?)

Would I be open to meeting with AAB? Sure, but I think that if we did that it would probably put a damper on this whole guest blogging thing. And I’ve got lots of stuff to share with you. I’ve got all of my birthday suggestions, a couple of hilarious fix-up dates to tell you about, plus more fun stuff on the way. So, when this whole guest blogging thing has run its course, maybe AAB and I will meet up somewhere. But until then, sit back and relax folks, because there’s more TMGB coming next week.

Until then,
TMGB

*****

P.S. Make sure you check back tomorrow to learn about the idea I have for a new invention that will make living in cold-temperature regions a little easier for us single ladies.

'09 ResLOVElutions

Happy snowed-in weekend, Cleveland! (Unless you're reading this from somewhere warm and sunny, in which case... well... I'm jealous.)

A friend forwarded me this article from the Today show's website (perhaps as a result of my documented crush on Matt Lauer).

Anyhow, the article outlines 10 Dating Decisions to Find Love in '09. Let's take a gander at what is suggested (followed by my commentary in pink):

1. I will be open to the possibility of changing my expectations in order to embrace a serious relationship. Fair enough. But funny is non-negotiable. And he has to open doors too.


2. I am willing to take stock of my previous patterns and approach dating in a new and healthier way. Is it considered a "previous pattern" to date guys who everyone thinks might be gay? Does that mean I have to hang out at biker bars?


3. I am aware that some of the things I've been looking for have been influenced by baggage from my childhood and previous relationships, and I'm willing to leave that baggage in '08. I disagree with this one. I think you learn something from every relationship you're in (whether romantic or otherwise), and that helps you make better decisions in the future. So, I am going to hold onto all of those childhood and previous relationship memories. (Well... maybe not that memory of peeing my pants in third grade...)


4. I believe there is more than one "ideal mate" per person, and a good partner is not defined by a list of achievements and traits, but by being willing and able to commit to making the relationship work. OK, I'll buy this one. I mean, I have more than one "ideal friend" out there. Why not assume that would hold true in the love department too?


5. I will not project who I am and what I want in ways that are at odds with my true desires based on fulfilling some inauthentic ideal of what a "perfect partner" is supposed to be like. True dat. I would never change for a boy. Plus, I am the "perfect partner." So they should change for me. ;) Jaaaay kaaaay. (About the changing part. Not the me being perfect part.)


6. I will not be unduly influenced by the opinions of friends and family when it comes to knowing who and what I want in a potential mate. They didn't say anything about being influenced by blog readers!


7. I will not regard myself as incomplete when I'm not in a relationship. I'd have been incomplete for a long time now if I believed this one.


8. I will not settle for someone who does not make me happy out of fear of being alone/single. Never would. Which apparently makes me "too picky." Whatevs.


9. I will make an ongoing effort to consider whether a person might be right before disqualifying them based on initial decisions or snap judgments. Damn. I love judging boys. And just FYI... my first impressions are almost always accurate. But OK. I'll try.


10. I will explore new avenues and expand my social horizons to meet new people. As long as this doesn't mean I have to join a chess club.

I don't know about you, but I'm not all that inspired after reading these resolutions. I don't like how so many of them start with "I will not..." That's not putting out very positive vibes, is it?

What love resolutions would you suggest? (Don't be gross. Blogmom and blogdad read this.)

P.S. Happy birthday, blogmom!

TMGB + AAB = ???

(Sung to the tune of whiny school girls on a playground)

"AAB and TMGB sittin' in a tree, b-l-o-gg-i-n-g."

Since I posted the first Man Monday installment this week, I have received several emails and a couple of blog comments asking me if TMGB and I have met.

No, we haven't.

But should we?

PROS:

• He is funny. (At least, in writing he is.)


• He is Italian. (I know this from the emails we exchanged prior to him becoming a guest blogger. I'm Italian too, so I know what I'm getting myself into there.)


• He is close with his family. (Again, I am gathering this from his emails.)


• He uses proper grammar. (Something about a guy who can't spell totally turns me off. Is that wierd? Ha ha ha. Gotcha. I spelled "weird" wrong on purpose. If you're a guy reading this and you didn't catch that, don't bother emailing me. Unless you're really, really cute.)

CONS:

• I do not like blind dates. "WHAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUT, Always a Bridesmaid?," you say? True. I have been going on more blind(ish) dates. But, to be fair, the guys I've gone on those dates with have always been somewhat vetted by a friend or family member first. (Or me, but I just didn't remember. NOTE: the attorney referenced in that linked blog post later became The Lawyer.) That said, TMGB appeared out of the blue. What if he's a serial killer who finds his victims on blogs about their horrendous dating lives?!?! Just sayin'.


• I have absolutely no idea what TMGB looks like. How tall is he? Does he wear tons of jewelry (other than a watch)? What's his smile look like? (Not that I'm totally superficial. But I do think you have to be attracted to someone in order for it to work. I mean, what if he's this guy?)


• I have no idea if he meets any of the criteria I look for in a guy. (Other than the funny part.)


• I have really been enjoying this whole guest blogging thing that TMGB and I have been email bantering about. And if I meet him, I think that might ruin it.

So, I'm torn.

I get where you were all coming from when you emailed me to meet him... but I'm just not sure I'm there yet!

Give me a few weeks and we'll talk about it again then.

Til then, carry on with your silly schoolgirl chants.

I see London, I see France...

... man, I need new underpants.

OK, so I have a weird post-breakup ritual that I always go through: I give my undie drawer a makeover.

I did a major purge/splurge after I broke up with The Mush Mouth. (A 2+ year relationship.)

I did the same thing after The Murse. (A 6+ year relationship.)

And again (albeit on a smaller scale) after The Divorcee. (An on/off fling for about 10 months or so. Hence the smaller shopping spree.)

Honestly, I have no idea why I do it. Maybe it's because it's a little something I can do as a pick-me-up that only I know about. (Well, until I blabbed it to all of you guys, that is.)

And doesn't everyone feel better about themselves when they're wearing cute undies versus raggedy old torn ones? (Don't get me wrong. It's not like I'm buying sexy satin thongs or crotchless lace g-strings. Nope, I'm pretty much a boy shorts and cotton bikinis kind of girl.)

My point is this: I realized today (after noticing the ripped trim on one of my fave pairs) that it has been so long since I've had a major break-up that I really just need to go buy some new undies. Without the requisite heartbreak that goes along with it.

Lucky for me, my birthday is coming up. So I at least have a birthday coupon from Victoria's Secret to get me started.

How about you? What rituals do you have after a breakup?

Taking a boy break -- or am I?

I haven't written about a lot of the boys swirling about me these days. (The Teacher, The Teachalian, The Italian Stallion, The Mouse and The Banker all made appearances in some way during the holidays.) Because, to be honest, I needed a boy break.

The truth is... sometimes it is exhausting to be constantly thinking about my (lack of) love life. Sure, there are always randoms floating around (who'd have thunk that damn Banker would show up via random holiday texts -- THREE of them!), but I haven't really had a *real* date since The Lawyer. And we all know how that turned out.

So, I haven't been returning boys' calls.

I haven't been returning boys' emails.

I haven't been returning (some) boys' texts.

I just needed a break.

But, I think I am going to start '09 with a fresh perspective. Focus less on quantity and more on quality.

(Though, as Molly likes to remind me... it only takes one. So wouldn't my chances be better if I have more to choose from? Who knows.)

And here's fair warning: I may just need a couple more weeks of minimal boy interaction. Except, of course, for TMGB. Because he'll be back next week with his new weekly feature -- Man Mondays. (Which means I'll have to email with him in the meantime.)

(BTW, did you see his post this week? I effing loved it.)

Anyhow... what do you think? Should I continue with this self-imposed XY-ile (that's supposed to be a cutesy way to say "boy exile"), or should I surround myself with as many potentials as possible (figuring that at least someone might be worth dating?!?!)?

A hairy situation

I guess I never realized how many men read this blog until I started getting emails from them. (Turns out they're just as confused about relationships as us!)

The email below was so sincere, I just had to post it. (Don't worry... Anonymous told me I could.)

Poor little Anonymous. (Would be a trip if his name were Harry, no?)

Ladies, take a gander at his question and comment with your thoughts. He'll be a better (groomed) man for it.

*****

I have a question that I would be interested in your (and your reader's) opinion.

How do girls feel about guys who shave their chest and back? I am a very hairy guy and ashamed of it so I spend countless hours shaving my chest and back. Is that a turn off to girls? I figure a girl would rather be with a smooth skinned guy than Chewbacca. Is my assumption incorrect? I definitely don't have a models body to backup the baby smooth skin so does it make a difference if you're a fat guy who shaves his chest and back? I assume it is obvious to the girl that I shave so I'm not sure if it really matters in the end.

How about guys that give themselves "special haircuts." (Always a Bridesmaid sidenote: I'm assuming he's referring to his nether regions here?) I'm not talking Mr. Clean style haircuts, just some general house keeping to keep things in order...good idea? bad?

Feel free to post these questions and their answers on your blog.

Sincerely,

Anonymous

*****

Personally, I say ix-nay on the back air-hay (though I would recommend waxing over shaving). But I don't mind a little bit of chest hair. (As long as it's not so long you could put rasta beads on it.) The one thing that does gross me out is if there is a small tuft of hair peeking out from a guy's undershirt or t-shirt near his neck. GROSS.

So what do you think, ladies (and Brissy)? Help a brother out!

Man Monday - Our First Installment!

Welcome back to reality, everyone. I'm guessing this post finds most of you at your first day back on the job since the holidays. So what better way to waste... I mean... spend your time at work than with our first installment of Man Monday?

Man Monday posts will share with us the XY perspective on dating, relationships and what the fascination is with Gisele Bundchen.

For now, these posts will come courtesy of The Male Guest Blogger (TMGB), who some of you may remember has been emailing me since I put out the request for guest bloggers.

Please comment on this post or email me if there's anything specific you want to hear from TMGB. (Like why men insist on leaving the toilet seat up or tuning you out when they're watching sports.)

*****

I’m sure the readers of 27 Dresses in Cleveland have probably heard single people complaining about the holidays before. After all, this time of year is when single people wonder if the gods planned this part of the calendar to curse them: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, and Valentine’s Day all lined up in a nice neat row, in the middle of winter when everyone who is coupled up is making love by the fireplace (or so it seems).

For those of you not fortunate enough to be Italian, I’d like to share another time-honored single person’s holiday annoyance with you – drop-dead gorgeous cousins, or DDGC’s, as I like to call them.

DDGC’s are people you see maybe 2 or 3 times a year in person. The rest of the time they only exist as your friends on Facebook or Myspace, where their photos silently remind you just how pretty they, and their significant others, are. DDGC’s don’t show up for Thanksgiving because they are with their boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancée/husband/wife’s family, and, on the holidays that they DO show up to your family party, they are always the first out the door so they can scamper off to spend time with their beloved one, while you get to hang out some more with the old-timers and sleep in whichever corner of the house has room.

Meanwhile, you also have to endure the time honored tradition (and I know AAB has blogged about this before) of having your relatives speculate on why you’re still single. Thus it doesn’t help that most of those annoying DDGC’s are younger than you are, because even if they don’t say it out loud, you can tell they’re thinking it: well he’s only 24 and HE’s got a girlfriend.

And, of course, while this exercise is going on, you’re thinking: Yeah, whatever. He’s also 6-foot-5 and was blessed with the metabolism to be able to consume vast quantities of pasta and meatballs and still stay trim and fit, a gift not all of us were given. But of course, you instead smile and make a joke about waiting for women to come to their senses. And, if your mother is within earshot you can count on her to loudly insist (with the help of several glasses of wine) that there isn’t a woman alive that’s good enough for her little boy. This is about the time that you attempt to plot your escape in the direction of the bar, where it is now officially time to break out the shot glasses and the sambuca.

Of course, now the holidays are over, and my DDGC’s won’t be seen or heard from again until at least Easter. I hope that I won’t have to hear or see what they are up to on Valentine’s Day, but I do hope they keep trying to cheer me up about my upcoming 30th birthday. Some of the suggestions I’ve received have been, well, let’s say colorful, and I’ll be back next week to share some of them with you. Until then, Happy New Year everyone!

Love,
TMGB

I got tagged over the holidays

Again, not in that way, you sickos. I got a blog award "tag" from my fellow blogger over at Medicated and Motivated. (Go check out her blog. In addition to her fun content, I am totally jeals of her site design. So fun.)

Anywhoooo... here are the rules:

• List 10 honest things about yourself


• Pass the award onto 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design


• Link to the blogger who gave you this prize


• Link to the blogs receiving the prize


• Notify the recipient

Being an Aquarius, I'm not a rules follower. (And, really, I just can't pick 7 of my favorite blogs.) So, I'm going to fudge the rules a bit and ask that anyone who reads this blog (especially if you know I read yours too!) take this award and do with it what you may. Because it's the New Year and I'm all about putting out. (Awards, that is.)

But I will oblige and list 10 honest things about myself. Here goes nothing:

1. I can -- and have -- eaten an entire tin of Pringles in one sitting. I love Pringles. Almost as much as I love corn dogs.


2. I secretly wish I had never started coloring/highlighting my hair back in the day. But I've now been coloring (and straightening!) it for so long, I don't think I could go back. But any time someone tells me they're thinking about coloring their hair, I shriek, "Don't do it!"


3. I hate feet. Anyone who knows me is well aware of this fact. Lucky for me, living in Cleveland means very few months of sandals/flip flops. And mandals.


4. I put more cream and sweetener in my coffee than is humanly acceptable. But I don't care.


5. I have absolutely no sense of direction. Thankfully, I have a GPS in my car. I use it to get everywhere. And by everywhere, I mean I have been known to use it to get to my parents' house when I'm coming from anywhere other than my house.


6. My license still says I weigh 110 pounds. That's what I weighed when I GOT my license almost 17 years ago. I haven't decided yet whether I'm going to up the poundage when I get it renewed later this month.


7. I scored a 30 on my ACT. I was the salutatorian of my high school class. I was on the dean's list in college. What I'm saying is... I'm no dummy. Unless, of course, you want me to play a hand of cards with you. Because I just can not figure out card games.


8. I bought myself a Louis Vuitton on what would have been my seven-year anniversary with The Murse (almost three years ago now).


9. I am obsessed with the show The Biggest Loser. And I can't wait for the new season to start again on Tuesday.


10. I am infinitely grateful for the friends, family, colleagues and fellow bloggers in my life. And for the yet-to-be-named (and hopefully soon-to-be-named) Mr. Always a Bridesmaid.

Wow, that's a lot of useless information.

Anything else you want to know?

(Thanks again to Medicated and Motivated for the award! See? Even though I didn't list my 7 favorite blogs, I did link to Medicated's site TWICE. So I think it's even, no?)

My 2009 romantic horoscope

I came across this 2009 horoscope preview and, of course, checked out what my romantic liaisons might be in the coming year.

I'm not quite sure what to make of this horoscope. It sounds like I might meet someone special in the spring, which could potentially lead to an "idealistic" relationship (whatever that means).

Maybe it means Josh Duhamel and Fergie aren't going to go through with their planned January nuptials after all? Call me, Josh. (In the spring, of course.) I'm here for you, baby.

*****

You have an innate talent of attracting like-minded people, but sometimes you can be reluctant to express affection individually because of your broad love for mankind. You are often more energized by people responding to your positive ideals rather than to who you really are. You are so enthusiastic in serving mankind that you sometimes leave yourself out of the equation.

This spring, you're likely to encounter someone who appreciates you in a way that injects enthusiasm into your life. As the year progresses, share that deepening of yourself and you may find that you're actually ready to having an intimate relationship. The energy between you two may lead to a passionate -- as well as idealistic -- relationship.

As you start trusting and accepting that your inner desires are just as important (if not even more so) as helping others, you'll begin to have a deeper understanding of who you are. Tuning in to your partner's spiritual outlook is a great opportunity to align yourself with becoming more expansive as a couple. Being in a close relationship helps you heal and transform your fear of closeness. Together, you and your partner can radiate idealism, leading to a new and better future.

*****

Did you check out your horoscope for '09? What did you think?

My blog gets more action than I do

Picture it. It's a couple of days after Christmas. I'm sitting on the couch at one of my sissy's houses reading the January issue of Cleveland Magazine. I come across the "Hot Blogs" feature in the magazine. I scream.

Why? Because this little blog -- 27 Dresses in Cleveland -- was one of the blogs they highlighted! (Yes, the one you're reading right this second! The one that was on cleveland.com a couple of weeks ago!)

Thanks, Cleveland Mag! So fun! Are you trying to get in on the finders' fee action too?