Monday, January 19, 2009

Man Monday

Hi, friends! Welcome to another installment of Man Monday, featuring TMGB. Looks like he and I will BOTH be single this year on our birthdays. (Unless I find someone in the next 10 days. And he finds someone, like, tomorrow.)


Does anyone remember the scene from the movie True Lies when Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character Harry Tasker discovers (or thinks he discovers) his wife having an affair, and sneaks out of her office back to his car, where his partner played by Tom Arnold is waiting? Arnold’s character immediately begins trying to cheer Tasker up saying: “Hey, she still loves you, man. She just wants to bang this guy for a while.” Tasker then picks up Arnold’s character by the shirt collar, slams him in the SUV they’re driving, and says: “STOP! Cheering me UP!”

With my 30th birthday now a mere 3 days away, the likelihood is that, unless a 10-years-younger version of Giada DiLaurentis shows up on my doorstep sometime in the next 72 hours, I will be single, again, on my birthday. Of course, having your birthday smack in the middle of the worst time of the year to be single adds insult to injury, which I’m sure AAB can attest to. And my well-meaning family and friends, in an attempt to cheer me up, have been sending me the craziest suggestions about things I should do to attenuate my singleness on my birthday.

Besides the obvious suggestions of partying at some strip club, there have been some really hilarious ideas out there. The funniest? Well I definitely think that honor goes to one of my old frat brothers from college, who suggested that I should fly out to Las Vegas, NV the weekend of January 9-11 to attend the Adult Video Network, or AVN, awards.

For those of you blissfully unaware, the AVN awards are the Oscars of the adult video industry. I will leave it to your more than capable imaginations to discern what the award categories are. The award ceremonies are attended by all manner of porn stars posing for photos and signing autographs. Would commiserating with porn stars make me feel better about being single? Maybe. But it would also make me wonder whether there was a man size vat of Purell to dip myself in at the end of the evening. I politely declined that one.

Another friend suggested that I fly out to the West Coast to attend a seminar on how to pick up women hosted by Mystery, star of the VH-1 reality show The Pick-Up Artist. For those that haven’t seen the show, 8 guys who are clueless about women are trained by Mystery, supposedly the world’s greatest pick up artist, on the ways of love. Every episode a contestant is eliminated, and at the end the winner receives $50,000 as well as the title master pick up artist.

Apparently, Mystery is capitalizing on the show’s popularity and is now teaching the ways of love to paying clients. The cost of a weekend seminar? A mere $3,500! It seems this friend didn’t get the memo that I purchased a condo and new car early last year when the economy was still in relatively good shape, and I don’t have that kind of cash to throw around right now. Sorry!

Other suggestions? Well, someone sent me a link to the article “Marry Him! The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” from the March 2008 edition of The Atlantic magazine. The article’s author, a 40-year-old single mom, exhorts 30-something single women to settle for marrying Mr. Good Enough rather than hold out for Mr. Right. The e-mail that accompanied the link said that I should cheer up, because single women with biological clocks a tickin’ will soon be beating down my front door because I have my own home, a good career, and are reasonably good looking, and that pretty soon I’ll get to be the picky one after spending my 20’s getting crapped on by picky women. Did this make me feel better about being single on my 30th birthday? Eh, not really.

What does make me feel better about being single on my 30th? The knowledge that tomorrow, George W. Bush finally gets out of the White House after 8 disastrous years! As a matter of fact, chances are pretty good that I’ll be partying harder tomorrow than I will on my actual birthday.

Next week, I’ll be back to bring you the case of the cute doctor and her which-team-does-he-play-for boyfriend.

Until then!



Anonymous said...

Well, you almost had me saying don't settle (the same advice I DIDN'T need to give AAB because she realizes on her own that SHE is way to valuable to settle!), however, seeing your political persuasion, you might want to settle. JK


alexa @clevelandsaplum said...

seriously i can't take it, i need to know who this dude is.

Allison M. said...

Look, I hate the settle article. That author can go jump off a cliff.

Always a Bridesmaid said...

Blogdad - hmmm. Wonder why all of my BFs are afraid of you at first. :)

Alexa - Join the club. I don't know who he is either!

Allison - I agree. That article is ridic. So dumb.

Dr Zibbs said...

When I first head of the pick up artist I thought that it was going to be BS. But after watching it, it's actually pretty dead on. Bottom line I think is talking and flirting with as many people as you can and listening to THEM.

Please send me a check for $3500.