A warning to boys

Dear Gents:

If you are stalking... I mean... perusing the pictures of a single female Facebook friend who you are not reaaaaaalllly that good of friends with, and with whom you've only recently become friends with, do not -- UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES -- send her a message that says this:

I knew I should have gone to the ball Saturday! How are u not married?

(Actual email I received after posting pictures from Jump Back Ball. Which was amazingly fun, BTW. At least, what I remember of it was. Damn blackout & tonics strike again.)

Anyhoo, boys... let this be a lesson... while you may *think* that is a flattering thing to say to someone (and I'm guessing this guy meant it as a compliment), it actually has the reverse effect on the recipient.

Because I don't have an answer to your question, and I wonder the same effing thing all the time, dude. Eeew.

If you're a single lady, does this question drive you crazy too? Or am I just PMSing? ;)

"I'd love to meet a nice Italian girl, but..."

Seeing my friends Markiella yesterday reminded me of a funny story that I don't think I shared with you guys yet.

It all goes back several weeks, when I was at a party with Markiella and their families. I chatted with the mom of the XX half of Markiella for a good portion of the party, and she just couldn't understand how I am still single.

(I have a way of winning over the over 50 crowd. And eliciting the "how are you still single" question.)

Fast forward a couple of weeks, when I received a tweet (via Twitter, for those of you who may be as technologically backwards as me) from the XY half of Markiella, telling me that his mother-in-law (from the party) had a potential guy for me.

(I don't think the XY half had told his m-i-l about the finders' fee, so I assume he was acting as the go-between to maybe get his little hands on it.)

Apparently, his mother-in-law has a lot of interaction with professional guys all day as a result of her job (get your heads out of the gutter, you pigs), and she had one in particular who she had her eye on for me.

After I gave the go-ahead to attempt a fix up (hey, April Adventures, people!), his mother-in-law asked the potential suitor if he'd like to meet a nice Italian girl.

The potential suitor responded that he'd love to. Except that he's gay.

Soooo... I guess I should have been a teensy bit more specific about my prereqs for a guy. Funny. Family-oriented. Wears a watch (or in some other way showcases his responsibility). Has a job that he likes. Aaaaand... likes girls.

(I know, I know. You're remembering how I just recently professed the gay guy as my "type." But I'm fairly certain it would not work out in the real world of dating.)

On the bright side, I do know that Markiella's mom/mother-in-law definitely has the right kind of guy in mind for me. Now she just needs to make sure he likes girls too.

Oh, baby!

I know I've documented my love for the blog Cake Wrecks before. It is truly effing fabulously hilarious. (And I don't even like cake!)

As you know, most of the cakes I get to see these days are at wedding showers, bachelorette parties (made into... ahem... interesting shapes) and weddings.

(Sidenote: more cake is heading my way this weekend, when we celebrate my friend Michele's shower and bachelorette party. Stories to follow, I'm sure. Especially if I have a few blackout & tonics.)

But back to the point... the last couple days of Cake Wrecks posts have been particularly fun for me. Because they've been about baby shower cakes. (Check them out here and here.)

Why, you ask?

Because Always a Bridesmaid is going to be Auntie AAB soon! Yep, my middle sissy is pregs with my future blogniece or blognephew.

(I'm secretly hoping for a girl because the clothes are cuter, but I will take anything as long as it's healthy. And it agrees to call me its favorite aunt.)

I suppose it's only fitting. I've pretty much perfected the art of hosting a wedding shower, so I think this is God's way of letting me know that it's time for my next challenge: baby showers. One thing I can tell you is that, in no way, will any baby shower I ever throw involve games of any sort. (Well, unless they're drinking games.)

I'm also curious to see what sorts of snarky remarks this news elicits from peeps. When my sissies got engaged and subsequently married, there was no shortage of comments about me being single/the last one to get married.

Guess I need to start working on some clever one-liners now to use when someone says something like that to me. Like, "Isn't it exciting? Are you guys due around the same time? Oh, you're not pregs? My bad!" (Though I suppose that won't work on men.)

Anyhow... congrats again, sissy! (And heaven help your poor hubs for the next six or so months!) Love you! :)

I've said it before...

... and I'll say it again... ladies, NEVER leave the house looking like a pig. Because you never know when you'll meet your future boyfriend. Or see an ex-BF. Or, even better, a friend of an ex-BF.

I stopped at Heinen's on my way home from work the other nite and ran into one of The Divorcee's really good friends. (The Divorcee and I would often double with this guy and his GF, and he's one of the friends who Facebook friended me after The Divorcee and I broke up.)

The friend started the conversation by saying, "Wow, you look really great, AAB." Then, after a few minutes of chatting and catching up, he again said, "How is it possible that you're not dating anyone?"

I wanted to say, "Go ask your stupid friend." But I refrained and just replied with a giggle and a "I have no freaking idea." We ended the conversation by agreeing to grab a drink sometime soon to catch up. But I have a feeling the whole "bros before hos" mantra may come into play before that ever happens.

Regardless, it still felt nice to get a little sweet love from a boy who you just know was going to call his friend as soon as he got in the car to tell him what just happened. Aaaah, the joys of ex- gloating.

And then juuuuuusssssttt when you're starting to feel like maybe you're getting your mojo back (after a Valentine's weekend date and this unexpected compliment-filled run-in)... SMACK. A giant underground zit appears on your chin. (You know the ones... the flat-ish hard blemishes that just linger under the surface of your skin for days and days?!?!)

Aaaaannnddd... back to reality. But, hey. At least the zit didn't surface until after the friend run-in, right?

Man Monday - Our First Installment!

Welcome back to reality, everyone. I'm guessing this post finds most of you at your first day back on the job since the holidays. So what better way to waste... I mean... spend your time at work than with our first installment of Man Monday?

Man Monday posts will share with us the XY perspective on dating, relationships and what the fascination is with Gisele Bundchen.

For now, these posts will come courtesy of The Male Guest Blogger (TMGB), who some of you may remember has been emailing me since I put out the request for guest bloggers.

Please comment on this post or email me if there's anything specific you want to hear from TMGB. (Like why men insist on leaving the toilet seat up or tuning you out when they're watching sports.)

*****

I’m sure the readers of 27 Dresses in Cleveland have probably heard single people complaining about the holidays before. After all, this time of year is when single people wonder if the gods planned this part of the calendar to curse them: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, and Valentine’s Day all lined up in a nice neat row, in the middle of winter when everyone who is coupled up is making love by the fireplace (or so it seems).

For those of you not fortunate enough to be Italian, I’d like to share another time-honored single person’s holiday annoyance with you – drop-dead gorgeous cousins, or DDGC’s, as I like to call them.

DDGC’s are people you see maybe 2 or 3 times a year in person. The rest of the time they only exist as your friends on Facebook or Myspace, where their photos silently remind you just how pretty they, and their significant others, are. DDGC’s don’t show up for Thanksgiving because they are with their boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancée/husband/wife’s family, and, on the holidays that they DO show up to your family party, they are always the first out the door so they can scamper off to spend time with their beloved one, while you get to hang out some more with the old-timers and sleep in whichever corner of the house has room.

Meanwhile, you also have to endure the time honored tradition (and I know AAB has blogged about this before) of having your relatives speculate on why you’re still single. Thus it doesn’t help that most of those annoying DDGC’s are younger than you are, because even if they don’t say it out loud, you can tell they’re thinking it: well he’s only 24 and HE’s got a girlfriend.

And, of course, while this exercise is going on, you’re thinking: Yeah, whatever. He’s also 6-foot-5 and was blessed with the metabolism to be able to consume vast quantities of pasta and meatballs and still stay trim and fit, a gift not all of us were given. But of course, you instead smile and make a joke about waiting for women to come to their senses. And, if your mother is within earshot you can count on her to loudly insist (with the help of several glasses of wine) that there isn’t a woman alive that’s good enough for her little boy. This is about the time that you attempt to plot your escape in the direction of the bar, where it is now officially time to break out the shot glasses and the sambuca.

Of course, now the holidays are over, and my DDGC’s won’t be seen or heard from again until at least Easter. I hope that I won’t have to hear or see what they are up to on Valentine’s Day, but I do hope they keep trying to cheer me up about my upcoming 30th birthday. Some of the suggestions I’ve received have been, well, let’s say colorful, and I’ll be back next week to share some of them with you. Until then, Happy New Year everyone!

Love,
TMGB

How YOU doin'?

Ever wonder where guys come up with some of those horrifically funny pick-up lines you hear from time to time? (My personal fave: Are your pants made of mirrors? Because I can see myself in them.)

Well don't look at me. I don't have the answer either. But I just might have discovered the antidote: Adult Mad Libs: Kiss Me, I'm Single.

Grab a pencil, ladies. This should be fun.

First, make a list of the following words (and don't cheat by skipping ahead!):

• noun


• article of clothing


• adjective


• part of the body


• noun


• noun


• noun


• noun


• noun


• verb ending in "ing"


• noun


• noun


• adjective


• part of the body

*****

Now, take those words you just wrote down and fill them into the following Persuasive Pick-up Line Mad Libs:

• Is that a/an noun in your article of clothing, or are you just adjective to see me?


• I hope you know mouth-to-part of body -- because you just took my noun away!


• If I said you had a beautiful noun, would you hold it against me?


• Can I borrow your cell noun? I want to tell my noun I just met the noun of my dreams.


• Did you hear that? It's the sound of my heart verb ending in "ing."


• If you were a laser noun, you'd be set on "stunning."


• Is there a warrant out for your noun? Because it must be illegal to look that adjective.


• Are you from outer space? Your part of the body is out of this world!

What do you think? Did you discover a few new gems?

And that's just the start of the fun. There are lots more Mad Libs to choose from, including Tactful Turndowns, Blind Dates Gone Bad and Warning Signs.

Seriously. Go buy this book. Your friends will thank me for it. Especially when they hear you say something like this to some unsuspecting guy:

Did you hear that? It's the sound of my heart barfing.

(True story. That's one of the ones I came up with. Mostly because I was listening to one of my cats yakking up a hair ball while I was making my list of words.)

Joey Tribbiani ain't got nothin' on us, ladies!

Single for Santa

My friend Amy forwarded me this list of 5 Great Reasons to be Single During the Holidays. (I don't know who the source is, but I'd swear I wrote this list myself anyhow.)

I realized last nite while finalizing my Christmas shopping list that it's actually quite nice to not have to buy gifts for a "special someone" this year. I've always prided myself on getting the *perfect* gift for my boy toy, and am always disappointed when I get the proverbial gift certificate. Or, even worse, when I have to specifically spell out what I want. Ugh. That's no fun for anyone.

The Murse was the king of last-minute shopping, which always made me feel like an afterthought. Especially after I would spend weeks finding just the right gifts for him. (Truth be told, the last-minute thing wasn't all that bad. He always felt guilty about going at the last minute, so he ended up spending way too much on me. I'm pretty sure Kate Spade and Banana Republic were always thankful for that.)

So to all my single readers... enjoy!

5 Great Reasons to be Single During the Holidays

Don't let your relationship status play a factor in your holiday cheer. It's still the most wonderful time of the year--especially if you're single!

Sure, spending another gift-giving season alone can be lonely, but if you adjust your view, it can also be the greatest time of the year. No quarrels, no guilt trips—you have the freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want and with whomever you want. If you need to be reminded about just how amazing the holidays can be when you’re solo, read on for our five top reasons why it’s great to be single this season.

Reason #1: You can Spend Time with your own Family and Friends

It’s the age-old holiday conundrum and controversial issue: which family should a couple spend the holiday with? Lucky for you, being single means you aren’t obligated to go somewhere you don’t want or have to split time or compromise between your partners family and your own.

There are no expectations to spend the morning sipping cocoa and opening presents with your in-laws just because they live closer than your own family or because it’s their ‘turn’ this year. Take ownership of the holiday and make plans with your own friends and relatives. You’re already trying to please your own family; being single you won’t have to please a partner’s as well.

Reason #2: You can Put yourself at the Top of your List

This year, your holiday debt and anxiety will be at an all time low because there’s no need to find the perfect gift for your significant other and his or her immediate family. With no struggle over what to buy, spend a fraction of the money on a gift you’ve been eyeing for yourself or donate the funds to the charity of your choice.

Reason #3: You can Create new Traditions for Yourself

Don’t be a creature of habit. Give yourself permission to enjoy the holiday in whichever way you envision. Have you secretly always wanted to create the most over-the-top Christmas light-adorned spectacle of your home or set up a fabulous girly tree complete with all the pink trimmings? (Sidenote: and if you are a man, you can put up a tree like the one featured on this post.) You now can, because being single you have the option to deck the halls—or not. Perhaps this year you’ll start a new tradition of going away with other single friends to an exotic beach locale or volunteering at festivities for your church, synagogue or community center.

Reason #4: You can be Fun, Flirty and Fabulous at all the Holiday Parties

Put on your best party dress or suit and revel in the holiday spirit. Without the stress of having to make sure your significant other is having fun think of all the time you’ll have to collect kisses under the mistletoe.

Reason #5: There’s No Undue Expectations

Expectations for the holidays are already unrealistic—single or not. It’s rare that everything will go smoothly but being solo does take part of the pressure off because you hold the power to create your own special day. The best part is that all the choices are in your hands. If you want to spend the evening sipping hot chocolate and watching a reality show marathon you can do it.

Your relationship status doesn’t have to determine your holiday cheer. Spend time this season reflecting on the past year and what you want out of life in the future.

***

Now don't get me wrong... I'm not gonna complain if Santa leaves a tall, dark and handsome present under my tree this year. I just hope he comes with a gift receipt.

Aaahh... I'm not the only one (and boys feel this way too!)

My friend Colleen started reading this blog about... oh... two days ago and already forwarded me an article that I immediately knew I had to post. (Sorry this entry is so long, but the article is hard to find/link to online now.)

I especially relate to the author's part about the fix-up (though I'm not sure he had issued a finders' fee!). While I 110% appreciate my lovely friends and relatives trying to find me happiness, I sometimes wonder how well they really know me if they think I would want to go out with, say, a guy who asks about my lady parts on our first date.

So without further ado, please enjoy this little ditty written by Michael Kramer, an Emmy-nominated television writer living in Los Angeles. (Hmm... maybe HE'S a potential for me.)

What’s so bad about being single?

“You know what your problem is?”

Who doesn’t love a conversation that starts like that? But if you’re over 35 (Always a Bridesmaid sidenote: I am 32, but I still relate) and single, people somehow think it’s an open invitation to diagnose why you’re still single. “You don’t have room in your life for a woman.” “You’re too picky.” “You’re not picky enough.” (Sadly, I’ve dated a few women who have elicited that response from my friends.) The very term “singles” practically sounds like a disease (oh, wait, that’s “shingles”), and for those diagnosing us, being single seems to be our defining characteristic.

As the last of my peer group to remain single, I’ve noticed that friends, colleagues, family members, even shop owners, are quick to diagnose me. I bought new eyeglasses recently and the salesman asked my female friend whether we were a couple.

“No, we’re just friends,” she said.

“Good,” he said, “because based on how long it takes him to decide on a pair of glasses, if you’re waiting for a proposal, you’re gonna wait forever.” As if choosing eyewear were somehow related to choosing a spouse.

Is there something wrong with being single?

Comments like these, repeated over and over through the years, were making me start to doubt myself. Maybe something was wrong with me. Maybe I did have the dreaded singles disease. After all, people never give flattering reasons for why you’re still single. The diagnosis is never, “You’re too good-looking” or “If only you were less smart.” It’s always something negative. “You don’t know what you want in a woman.” “You’re looking for a woman who doesn’t exist.” If everybody’s saying these things, after a while you start thinking maybe they’re right.

It got to the point where even I started to wonder why I was still single. So I decided to put my fate in the hands of my happily married friends, Andy and Lisa. (Names have been changed to protect the guilty.) I agreed to let them set me up.

Andy and Lisa wanted to double date, so the four of us went to dinner. It turns out that the woman they set me up with had started a new job that day, and she joked — three times, so I sensed it was more than a joke — that she’s just not cut out for work, and she really just wants to marry a rich guy. That’s a nice thing to hear on a first date, because that’s exactly what guys are looking for in a woman. It’s the equivalent of a man telling a first date that he’s considering quitting his job to devote more time to chewing tobacco.

Then poker came up in conversation, and my date said she loves to gamble, but she’s having a bad year. “How so?” I asked. She said she’s down $19,000. Nineteen. Thousand. Dollars! I thought, Wow, so you don’t want to work AND you’ve got a gambling problem? You’re quite the catch.

After the date, Andy pulled me aside and excitedly asked, “So… what do you think?” Not wanting to be insulting, I said I thought she was nice, but not quite my type. To which Andy replied, “You know what your problem is? You don’t want to be happy.”

Now, wait a minute! I may not know myself perfectly, but I do know that an unambitious gambler is not my road to happiness. And that’s when I came to my senses and realized that the so-called “experts” who were diagnosing me didn’t know any more than I did. Being single isn’t a disease, yet so many married people think they’re Jonas Salk with the miracle cure. But with over 50 percent of marriages ending in divorce, maybe single people should be diagnosing married people.

What single people need to remember

The fact is, we all go through life on our own timetable. I know many people who found their true love a little later in life. It wasn’t because they were crazy or afraid to commit or told too many corny jokes on dates or any of that stuff. It was because they found their true love a little later in life.

I have a well-meaning cousin who, upon hearing I wasn’t dating anyone, sighed and said, “There’s gotta be somebody out there for you.” She used the exact same tone that Dr. Frankenstein would have used if he were lamenting that his monster was still single. I told her, “It’s not like I’ve never been loved!” But then I realized that I didn’t need to get defensive. I mean, even Frankenstein’s monster found his soul mate, and I’m not sure he even had a soul. I have to believe I’m a better catch than he is. Just imagine what people must have said about him before he found his lovely bride. But did he listen? No. Ol’ Frankie’s monster just kept trudging along, with the bolts in his neck and his flat head held high. And until the rest of us find our soul mate, so should we.

Thanks, Michael! I feel better about myself already.

"Why are you still single?"

This is my absolute favorite question EVER. Seriously. Why the eff do people think that's a normal question to ask? I OBVIOUSLY don't have the answer or I wouldn't be single, right? But, here are my top three responses:

1. I was in a six-year relationship with a guy who turned out to be a gay nurse. [EDITOR'S NOTE: He was not really gay, but even I have to admit that he did have some tendencies.]


2. I guess I just haven't found the right guy yet.


3. I have cats.

This question seemed especially appropriate when people asked it at each of my younger sisters' weddings. Where I was dateless. It was usually followed up by, "You're next!" No kidding. I'm the only one left!

NOTE: An alternative version of this question is more behavioral , involving someone grabbing my left hand, looking at it in a perplexed manner and then dropping it while shaking his/her head in disgust.

The truth is, that until the past year or so, I have pretty much always had a boyfriend. Most notably, there was:

The Mush Mouth - my college boyfriend (we dated for 2+ years) and my first "real" BF. He mumbled everything he said (which did not go over well in my loud Italian family). He's now married with a kid and lives about 10 minutes from me.

The Murse - the guy I dated for six years (from ages 23 - 29) but who ultimately could not commit. After that long together, I issued a DNR on that relationship (even after he came back a year later asking for another chance).

The Divorcee - the guy I dated for about eight months after I broke up with the Murse. We got along really well, but he was just ultimately not ready to be dating seriously at that point in his life, and... well... I was.

There have been other randoms sprinkled in here and there, but obviously none of those guys panned out either. So, I guess for now I have to come to terms with that fact that I'll have to be prepared to keep answering that question.

Have any other ideas for how I can respond?