"Do you want my friend's autograph?"

I can honestly say that Wednesday nite was the first time I heard that line used as a pick-up.

Here's how it went down: I met up with a girl who was in Cleveland Magazine's "Sexy Singles" article with me a couple of years back. (Obviously, the article didn't do much for our love lives, since we're both still single.) Anyhow, we recently reconnected and decided to catch up for a drink. Aaaaaaaand scene:

[Two former "Sexy Singles" chatting about their lack of love lives over a couple of beers at the Winking Lizard on Rockside Road.]

GUY 1: Hey, do you want my friend's autograph?

US: [nervous laughter] Why would we want his autograph?

GUY 1: Because he was in a soap opera.

US: [looking at GUY 2 to determine whether he was cute enough to be on a soap opera. He was no dreamboat, but he was definitely cute. I thought it he looked sort of like Rick Solomon, but my friend disagreed.] Really? Which soap opera?

GUY 2: The Young and the Restless.

US: What was your character?

GUY 2: I was CHEESY SOAP OPERA-Y NAME (AAB sidenote: I'm not using the real character name because I know you guys -- you'd IMDB his ass and figure out his real name, which is a no-no on this here blog.)

US: When were you on?

GUY 2: In the 80's.

Aaaaand scene.

It turns out that GUY 2 was a child actor and appeared in a handful of episodes over the course of a couple of years. And his dad somehow stole all of the money he made (can you say Michael Lohan?!?!) years and years ago. But he claimed to still have DVDs of his "work."

In retrospect, GUY 2 was actually very nice, funny, cute, tall, wore a watch and didn't have gross hands. Problem is, GUY 1 (the friend who initially got our attention) pretty much went from wingman to cock block in a matter of about 45 minutes. In fact, GUY 1 got so drunk that they took his beer away and made them leave.

(That happened, of course, after another friend -- GUY 3 -- showed up to meet them, and GUY 1 whispered to us on the side that GUY 3 had appeared in adult films many years ago. I'm not sure what his deal was with calling his friends out for being in films/on TV, but whatevs.)

Sooo... I discovered two things on Wednesday: 1. it is hard to pick up a guy when he has to escort his drunk friend out of a bar 2. I should really start watching more soap operas because, apparently, some of those guys now live in Cleveland.

And I guess if the former soap opera star route doesn't work out... there's always the former porn star option, right?

(Eeeew. Sick. I'm sorry I even typed that. Please erase that last sentence from your memory.)