Love life is DOA. Send help STAT.

You can probably guess from the title of this entry, but I might as well let you in on the newest happenings in my love life... blogdad is back at it. (Again.) This time, with a doctor.

He called this morning to warn me that I might be getting a call from potential suitor, whom blogdad apparently gave my number to in the last couple of days. (The doc is actually one of blogdad's customers, which could make things really interesting if we, in fact, ever go out.)

I'm really starting to think that Millionaire Matchmaker chic has nothing on blogdad. Once he retires, he could start up a dating service for late 20's/early 30's single girls in Cleveland. And blogmom could start some sort of internet researching firm to keep herself busy while blogdad is out "screening" the girls. (Sidenote: any time anyone has some sort of problem/issue/question, blogmom turns into Cyber McGyver.)

Actually, the more I type this... the more I realize that this really is a GREAT idea! Blogparents could work together! The $75K Matchmakers. (Doesn't have quite the same ring to it, though, does it?) Blogdad could find potential suitors for his clients, then blogmom could Google the hell out of the potential guys and send a report of what she found. Genius! (But that will probs require blogmom to join Facebook, which she has sworn she won't do.)

Now I don't know what I'm more intrigued by... whether the doctor will actually call, or how to get blogparents started on this new business!

Man Monday moratorium (maybe)

Hi, guys. In case you haven't noticed, we've been without a Man Monday update for the past two weeks. And I've decided that we're now going to be without one (at least, from TMGB) from here on out.

I'm not quite sure what happened. (Actually, I do think I know what might have happened. Check out the P.S. below.)

After a strong start several weeks ago, TMGB (The Male Guest Blogger) disappeared for a couple of weeks (I let it slide, figuring something important must be going on), then reappeared a couple of weeks ago with some lame-o excuse for why he hadn't been submitting. (Something about his email/server being down. But whatevs. There's no way he was not on email for two whole weeks.)

After reappearing for another week or two, he's now disappeared again for another two weeks. So I'm killing the weekly Man Monday feature. (At least, the version where TMGB alone submitted guest blog posts.)

So, I'm looking for feedback from you about what direction to take Man Mondays. Would you like having one specific (guy) guest blogger writing an entry each week (similar to TMGB, but more reliable than he has proven to be)? Or maybe a different guy's perspective each week? Or would you like more write-in stories from guys wanting advice from all of you (similar to In Too Deep's plight)? Something else? Nothing at all? What?!?!

Man, even the cyber men in my life don't come through. That's depressing.

P.S. In the interest of full disclosure, I do have an inkling as to why TMGB disappeared. For whatever reason, his full name appeared on his last submission to me, which I alerted him to. (Prior to that, I only knew his first name.) With his anonymity gone, I think perhaps his balls followed. Which I'm actually sort of pissed about because I was really proud of my lamely executed "Man Monday" visual that I concocted way up there in the right hand corner of this post.

Stimulate THIS!

With the ongoing recession in my dating life, just a friendly reminder:

During this economic crisis, don't forget about the $1,000* finders' fee.

*Amount of fee subject to change based upon quality and hotness of "found" suitor.

Someone stole my idea...

Specifically, Debra Goldstein and Olivia Baniuszewicz stole my idea. Why? They just published a book called Flirtexting: How to Text Your Way to His Heart.

I really can't believe that Debra and Olivia have ever dated MORE guys that like texting than I have, so it stands to reason that this book should have been written by me. (Then again, I suppose that's what this blog is.)

Most recent texter? Val. We haven't verbally talked to since our date on Sunday (which was sort of OK with me because I was crazy busy all week anyhow), but he has texted and sent me Facebook messages throughout the week. Aaaahh. You know what I call that?

Digital Dating.

(Note to Debra and Olivia -- I am hereby copyrighting the Digital Dating phrase. Unless you want to pay me an assload to buy it as the title of your next book.)

Anyhow, apparently the premise of the Flirtexting book is this (taken from Amazon): You see, rather than feel disappointed that her guy isn't making an effort to talk F2F (face to face), the flirtexting aficionado works it.

So according to this book, I'm supposed to be glad a guy's not calling, right? No thanks.

But it would make my life a heck of a lot easier.

Thanks, Nance, for alerting me to this book!

I've said it before...

... and I'll say it again... ladies, NEVER leave the house looking like a pig. Because you never know when you'll meet your future boyfriend. Or see an ex-BF. Or, even better, a friend of an ex-BF.

I stopped at Heinen's on my way home from work the other nite and ran into one of The Divorcee's really good friends. (The Divorcee and I would often double with this guy and his GF, and he's one of the friends who Facebook friended me after The Divorcee and I broke up.)

The friend started the conversation by saying, "Wow, you look really great, AAB." Then, after a few minutes of chatting and catching up, he again said, "How is it possible that you're not dating anyone?"

I wanted to say, "Go ask your stupid friend." But I refrained and just replied with a giggle and a "I have no freaking idea." We ended the conversation by agreeing to grab a drink sometime soon to catch up. But I have a feeling the whole "bros before hos" mantra may come into play before that ever happens.

Regardless, it still felt nice to get a little sweet love from a boy who you just know was going to call his friend as soon as he got in the car to tell him what just happened. Aaaah, the joys of ex- gloating.

And then juuuuuusssssttt when you're starting to feel like maybe you're getting your mojo back (after a Valentine's weekend date and this unexpected compliment-filled run-in)... SMACK. A giant underground zit appears on your chin. (You know the ones... the flat-ish hard blemishes that just linger under the surface of your skin for days and days?!?!)

Aaaaannnddd... back to reality. But, hey. At least the zit didn't surface until after the friend run-in, right?

Some good dating advice...

... from an 8-year-old girl named Anita. (See bolded pink text below.)

(I'm sure you may have seen this as an email forward before, but it still cracks me up every time I read it. Enjoy!)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.-- Ricky, age 10

*****

Thanks for forwarding this, blogmom!

What kid do you think has it figured out the best?

Lonely hearts club = Sunday brunch date

Well, it turns out that having a GNO on Valentine's Day is actually pretty fun. The girls and I had a tasty dinner at Light Bistro (although our server had about as much personality as your keyboard) and followed that up with some cocktails at Bier Markt.

I thought it might be an interesting nite when we walked into Bier Markt and it appeared to be Sausage Fest '09. As in, I literally thought it might be gay nite there. But it wasn't. Yeah for us!

After we were at the bar for about an hour, I locked eyes with a guy across the bar, and he immediately came over to talk to us. Enter our newest blog fodder: Val. (See what I did there? For Valentin... oh, forget it.)

Anyhow, Val and I chatted for the rest of the nite. He was funny, cute, charming and confident. Score! (I even looked past the fact that he wasn't wearing a watch.) About halfway through our conversation, he asked if he could see me on Sunday because he was having such a good time.

Old AAB probably would have played coy so as to make it seem she wasn't so available. But *new* AAB said that sounded fun. (See? I told you I have turned over a new dating leaf this year.)

(Sidenote: I was apparently so caught up in my conversation with Val that I entirely missed the scene of my friend helping some woman who had puked on herself in the bar. Like, ALL OVER herself. On the couches in the front of the bar, not in the bathroom. Now that's what I call "love sick.")

But back to the story. Since I had lots going on later in the day on Sunday, Val and I met for brunch at Touch Supper Club. I walked in to find him sitting at the bar with a mimosa, and he looked just as cute in his Under Armour zip-up as he did in his button down and blazer the nite before.

We chatted, ate and shared embarrassing drinking stories for a couple of hours before I had to leave. I genuinely enjoyed our conversation, though I was a bit taken aback that both the bartender and the DJ knew Val by name. Party much? I actually called him out on it after a third person came in and knew him. He told me he just knows a lot of people. Hmmm...

(Another sidenote: Val took out his iPhone and Facebook friended me while we were at brunch, so now that I've been able to look at his profile... he does have quite a few bar pics in there. OK, a LOT of bar pics.)

Beyond the whole question of whether he parties too much, my only other hesitation with Val is that he just got divorced. (I swear, I have a knack for finding guys who are either in the middle of or just out of a divorce. Awesome timing, AAB.) She cheated and he kicked her out.

(Though this is now the third recently divorced guy who has given me this story... is that how they teach guys to get back into the dating scene in Divorce School?)

But I also learned that Val likes to cook, owns his own business (and works A LOT), likes to travel and has the same birthday as blogdad. (I found that last tidbit somewhat creepy.)

After a couple of hours, Val walked me to my car (I ALWAYS drive myself to a first date as an insurance policy/get-away plan), gave me a peck on the lips and referenced taking me out again this coming weekend.

So I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

But at least now I can say I had a date over Valentine's weekend. :)

Today is totally S.A.D.

Singles Awareness Day, that is!

OK, ok. So it's also Valentine's Day. And, really, I'm not all that upset about it. (My attitude has changed significantly in the past week. No use being crabville, right?)

I have fun plans for tonite with three other girlfriends (we added to the party since I last wrote). And I already received sweet cards and treats from some friends and family. (Including a gift for "Aunt Juicy" (me) from my friends' kids, complete with Malley's gummi bears -- my FAVE!.)

So I know I'm loved.

Even if I'm single.

And it's actually sort of nice to not be stressing about what to wear, what the plans are, and whether he'll like my gift (though I hardly ever worried about the gift part... that's one of my best GF traits, if I do say so myself).

In fact, going out with a group of girls meant I didn't have to make ANY plans. For once. (We girls are good like that, no?)

On the agenda for tonite? Cocktails and dinner at Light Bistro. After-dinner drinks at Bier Markt. Lots of chatting with boys (who are most likely single if they are out on Valentine's Day). And hopefully a blog story or two. :)

Happy Heart Day!

Not a total write-off?

(First of all... is "write-off" an insurance term or a tax term? Hmmm. Well, for our purposes, let's pretend it has something to do with insurance, even though I'm pretty sure that's wrong.)


So there's been something I haven't been telling you guys about my dating life. I decided in early January that there might be some life left in some of the random dates I had over the summer and fall, so I decided that I needed to force myself to reconnect with some of those guys JIC. (Just in case.)

But now I feel like I should come clean because I actually (sort of) have a conversation going with one of them. (I was reluctant to blast this across the blogosphere in case none of them went anywhere.) But let's not get too excited here, peeps. Because I'm still not sure where this one is headed.

The Insurance Guy was the first boy who popped into my head when I made this pact with myself. (Click on The Insurance Guy tag on this post if you want to read all of the previous entries about him.) If you remember, my high school friend had introduced us over the summer, and he and I went on a couple of dates (and he also met my friend and me out for drinks once.) He is very cute, smart, professionally successful and funny. (He also wears a watch and has clean fingernails.) A perfect AAB match.

Well, an almost perfect match.

What held me back over the summer was that he was in the middle of a divorce when we met, and I just wasn't sure I was ready to go there again after The Divorcee. (He also has a son, but that honestly didn't bother me at all. Especially since one of my "musts" is someone who is family oriented.) I was also willing to admit that maybe he just wasn't that into me (the horror!) either. But I figured I should at least give it a shot to see what might happen.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago.

While commenting on a friend's Facebook status (not the friend who fixed us up), I saw The Insurance Guy's name pop up as a mutual FB friend. Whoa. It was like karma! So I took a deep breath, hoped I wasn't making a huge ass out of myself and sent him a little FB message to say hi. I did not, however, friend him. Just sent him a little note.

A few hours later, I got a friend request from him.

Since then, we have exchanged a few messages, including one where he told me to pop in next time I'm in the neighborhood (his office is in the same building as one of the boards that I'm on). A little harmless FB conversation, if you will.

It's been a little weird in that I feel like I had been the one initiating most of the conversation (or, to be more accurate, e-versations). But that's what this whole little mission to myself was all about, right?

And I know you're thinking... AAB, you're the first one to tell a guy to call and not use gadgets to connect with love interests. And you're right. But I didn't want to call because I was still trying to feel out whether he's dating someone (which I still don't know). So I've been playing it low-key (while admittedly semi-stalking his FB page to get clues about whether he's single).

(BTW, his divorce is now over. Final court date? My birthday. Weird.)

Anyhow... late last nite, I got a FB message from him. An original one. Not a reply to something I had written. He was just writing to say hi, ask about my high school friend who initially fixed us up and tell me to let him know when she and I are going out again so he could meet us for a drink.

So now I don't know what to think. On one hand, it sounds like he just wants a very casual meet-up with me and my friend (maybe more to see her than me!). On the other, he did initiate this message and suggested getting together (albeit with another person).

What would you have done?

Well, I'll tell you what I did. With my new-found balls and promise to myself to pursue any guy that might have been a good match for me, I wrote back. And I told him that I'd let him know when my friend and I got together again. But that I wouldn't be against grabbing a drink in the meantime (without her).

As I wait for his response... is there anyone else that you think I should maybe try to reconnect with? (He's been the only one so far.) Leave a comment or send me an email.

But for the love of all things holy... don't even think about suggesting The Gyno Guy.

The Marrying Kind

This guest post comes courtesy of my sweet, sassy, single friend Liberty Belle. Since I haven't had any juicy boy stories lately, I thought I owed you one. And, boy, it's a doozy. Read on!

*****

I shared this story with our heroine, AAB, and she asked me to submit a guest blog to share this disaster with her readers. As you read this, think about how you would have handled what happened. I would love to know!

I met The Contractor on Halloween. I literally spotted him when he walked in the door of the bar and our eyes met across the room. I kid you not. He was not my normal type (more Bradley Cooper than Gael García Bernal.) He bee lined towards me and introduced himself. And although he no longer lived in the area, he was charming, good looking, successful (owned his own business – which brought him to town for an extended work trip) and most important – no ring!

In an effort to snap our photo after we met, he “accidentally” dumped his beer down my dress. “Let’s get on the dance floor and dry you off,” was his response. Had he not been so cute I would have scoffed. But dance I did and we exchanged numbers and went out the next night. (How about THAT pick up line, btw?)

Early on I had asked him if he had a girlfriend back home. “Not right now,” was his answer.

Upon learning his age (40) I was curious if he had been married. “Yes, is that a problem?” No, I assured him, it certainly was not – so long as he was not STILL married, I joked. But I did not have a good feeling about and I should know my gut is usually right. Probably because I knew he was away from home, I had no one to give me a background check on him (like a friend of a friend that might know him) and he rarely called me – mostly texted.

The clincher was when he went away to his parents in FLA over Thanksgiving and I received no calls from him for over a week. When he returned I asked him again about his marital status. He remained very adamant about his current singlehood. “My marriage is over. I am sorry you have been worried about it, but it is.”

We continued to date between Halloween and Christmas when his job here wrapped and he moved back to his home down south. Since the new year I have heard from a couple of times – offering to come make me chicken soup when I was sick (it is easy to offer when you have no intention of following through!) and inquiring after me when he heard about my company’s big layoff announcement.

Really, I have not been putting much stock in it – just thinking it might be nice to keep in touch for a future hook up. On a recent call he informed me he might be coming back to town for another job but may have to “sneak away” for a visit sooner. (Hmmm… interesting choice of word – sneak?)

(AAB sidenote: this is where it gets REALLY good.)

Fast forward to last week. As I am upstairs getting ready for work, I miss a call that goes to voicemail. When I later check it I see I have a missed call and (bonus!) a voicemail from The Contractor!

And readers, this is where I think my guardian angel was watching out for me. He was not calling to check in or chat or even tell me he was coming for a visit. He pocket dialed me with his iPhone. And the message he left is basically a recording of a conversation he is having with what sounds like his FAMILY as they get ready for their day.

There is a whole cast of characters – including a baby (he sounded so happy and cute… awww) and a girl, whom he refers to by the name I had thought was his ex’s name. She is saying she is excited for her birthday dinner he is taking her to that evening. Suddenly, the call signs off.

Now, I am pissed. Not just because it looks like the guy has been lying to me (and is a cheat, but that is his wife’s issue) but he really must have thought so little of me that he thought he could get away with it!

So, after deliberating (and checking in with AAB for some advice) I FORWARD the voicemail back to him, hoping he gets the point. Unfortunately, cell phone technology isn’t that advanced and I receive a voicemail the next day saying, “Your message to the following number was not delivered.”

Darn! Now, what would you have done? Should I have sent him an angry text? What if it really wasn’t his wife (but my gut is telling me it was someone of importance. Plus the gurgling baby?). Needless to say, I have not heard from him since – which is really quite a relief. I am hoping he is embarrassed and only glad this did not get to the point where he would have to reveal anything or experience messy confrontation.

My lesson learned? If I do not meet the guy through someone I know, I am asking for a copy of his divorce records – if he claims he is!

*****

See? I told you it was a good story. I think Liberty Belle has the makings of a great full-time blogger, no? So... what would you have done if you were her?

The one you can't forget

Why is it that no matter how hard you try to forget that one ex- that made an indelible mark on you, he always finds a way to work his way into your subconscious... even when he might not be trying?

That's how I am with The Divorcee. No matter how much I try to forget about him, random things always seem to happen that bring him right back.

Three things happened since late last week:

• Blogdad called to tell me that The Divorcee is single again. How does he know, you ask? Well, because one of blogdad's colleagues happened to be recently dating The Divorcee. (Six degrees, I tell you!!!! Now you HAVE to believe me!) My parents discovered this when they ran into this girl and The Divorcee at The Feast in Little Italy over the summer. Anyhow, blogdad called to tell me this little tidbit because he thought my birthday horoscope said something about someone from my past coming back. (In fact, it said that someone important to my life's history will be entering my life in the near future. Which I suppose could be one in the same. God, I hope that doesn't mean some gross guy might come back though.) But that's all just a long way of saying... reminder number one.


• While I was at the nail salon on Saturday, I got a picture text from one of my friends at work that said, "Is this ur ex?" And, indeed, it was. She snapped his pic from afar at Starbucks. (She's actually never met him, but saw a pic once after I was forced to defend the caliber of guys I date because another girl in our office had made a snide comment about my BFs -- whom she had never seen, BTW. Anyhow, seriously... I have dated some cute guys. The Divorcee is a cross between McSteamy and Leonardo DiCaprio. Yum.) Anyhow, I digress. Reminder number two. (And a really random one at that, no?)


• On Sunday, I discovered that The Divorcee has just joined Facebook. How do I know? Two of his friends had previously FB friended me after the break-up (emphasis that THEY friended ME, which I was totally cool with because I actually really liked them and hoped we could somehow stay in touch after the break-up). Anyhow, one of the said friends commented on one of The Divorcees' pics on Sunday. That comment/pic showed up in my news feed. Reminder three.

UGH. I can't shake this guy. And I really can't explain it. I know I should hate him for breaking my heart, but I just can't. Eff. What's also really weird is the timing of all of this. We broke up (for good, after a couple of starts and stops due to his unresolved feelings about his divorce) the week before Valentine's Day a couple of years ago. This same exact week two years ago. (Guess that makes reminder number four, huh?)

Does anyone else have that one guy they can't seem to shake? Or did you, but you got over it? If so, HELP!?!?!?!?

Man Monday

After a couple of weeks off, TMGB is back with a list of 10 things every single guy must own, many of which TMGB isn't so sure about. I don't know. There's something about a guy in a pair of nice shoes that just does it for me. Unless, of course, they happen to be Bruno Maglis and are the center of some sort of criminal investigation.

*****

As a user of Match.com, I sometimes receive a newsletter with dating tips and tricks. Their latest one is entitled “10 Things Every Single Guy Must Own.” Now, I’m thinking this article would go through a few basic items just to keep guys on track. Some of these suggestions are that, but I found others truly bizarre and hilarious and I’m wondering if all you ladies out there agree.

To start off with, the No. 1 item on the list is “A top-notch coffee/espresso maker.” Apparently, girls aren’t happy with a guy making them coffee in an ordinary coffee maker on the morning after, well, you know. No, Match.com says, the guy better own something capable of making a latte or a cappuccino if he wants to keep her around. They suggest purchasing the $230 Delonghi “Caffe Figaro” Coffee/Espresso Machine plus a $20 coffee grinder in order to truly make her feel like a princess. Seriously, ladies? Is this what it takes to satisfy your caffeine fix?

No. 2 on the list is a lamp in your bedroom other than the one on the ceiling. That’s pretty basic. Check.

No. 3 is Swiffer products if you have hard wood floors. Are you kidding me? I swear by this stuff. Check.

No. 4 is a comfortable couch, and skip the cliché black leather in favor of something more safe colorwise, something more neutral or earth-toney, and then jazzed up with interesting throw pillows. That’s sensible advice. I know many a guy who has bought the black leather couch when single and then is somehow surprised that it is the first thing either in the basement or at the curb when a girl moves in with him. Okay, I have no problem with this. Check.

No. 5 is a subject about which AAB had a poll going on recently. Underwear. Match.com is telling guys to ditch the tightey-whiteys in favor of boxers or boxer briefs. Anything that looks like a girl should wear it (bikini briefs for guys? Seriously?) or has cartoon characters on it is likely to send her running for the exits. And, they recommend throwing out old underwear, lest you be tempted to wear it when your clean underwear supply is running low, because you never know when, ahem, a target-rich environment will lead to you reeling in a great catch.

No. 6? Every single guy should have a Swiss army knife key chain. Not even joking. Is that what I’ve been doing wrong all these years? I needed the Swiss army knife key chain? Damn. If I’d only known it was that easy. Match says that when your date’s sunglasses come apart while dining al fresco, you’ll win over her heart by whipping out your keychain with its little tiny screwdriver to fix them. Seriously?

No. 7 is scarcely better. Every single guy should own a pair of designer jeans costing at least $150. Now, I don’t like cheap clothes. I prefer name-brand stuff, like Nautica or Polo just because it holds up better while looking nicer, and is generally comfier too in my opinion. And yet, despite my preference for name brand clothes, I can’t imagine spending $150 on a pair of jeans. Is Diesel or Seven really that much better? C’mon. I’m not buying this one.

No. 8 is even higher on the price target list. Every single guy should own one pair of shoes costing at least $200, Match says. Now, I knew girls really, really liked shoes, just because I helped my younger sister move her monstrous shoe collection a couple of times. But man, if only I’d know that girls were turning up their nose at me because my favorite Sandro Moscoloni Italian loafers cost a mere $99, then I would have been coupled up long ago! Right? Not really buying this one either.

No. 9 is a little more common sense. It stands to reason, Match.com says, that you and your date will be spending some quality time in your bed. So you might as well invest in some good Egyptian cotton sheets, 300 thread count or better. Okay. Sounds reasonable. Check.

Last but not least? Every single guy should own a copy of The Joy of Cooking. The 75th anniversary edition goes for $23.10 on Amazon.com. Apparently, Match.com says, the way to a woman’s heart also runs through her stomach, and there’s nothing like being able to fix Chicken Kiev to make her swoon.

Okay ladies, I’m eager to hear which ones of these you think are on target and which are stronzata. Barring another birthday or technical meltdown, I’ll be back next week.

Until then,
TMGB

Sissy Sunday

First, don't worry. There are no HJNTIY spoilers in this post. (I promise.)

Second, please worry. Yet another weekend has passed without me meeting Mr. Future Always a Bridesmaid. Or even Mr. Maybe AAB.

Anyhow, today was the planned sisters outing. Or, as we have now deemed it, Sissy Sunday. The three of us haven't had a sisters-only outing in quite some time, so we all hopped in the car, headed up to Crocker Park for a little shopping, then saw He's Just Not That into You and grabbed a bite at the Cheesecake Factory.

Like I said, no movie spoilers here. But I do have a few observations about the movie:

• My sissies and I agree that we love Bradley Cooper. He is dreamy. So cute. I definitely wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers. Do you think he might have a Cleveland twin?


• We all also have crushes on Ginnifer Goodwin. Adorable. She has the face of a kewpie doll and the cutest hair ever in this movie.


• Speaking of hair... Justin Long needs a haircut. Eeew.


• My life definitely most closely resembles Jennifer Aniston's character in this movie. Sometimes it was spooky how similarly things played out. (Also spooky? Robert Plant just used the word "spooky" in his Grammy acceptance speech while I was typing "spooky." You know what that is? SPOOKY.)


• That said, whether we like to admit it or not, I think all of us ladies have a little bit of every girl in this movie in us when we're on the dating scene. The wondering why he didn't call. The wondering why he won't commit. The wondering if we can change him. The wondering why our hair doesn't look like Jennifer Aniston's. (Wait, maybe that one's just me. But probably not.)

Also, the six degrees phenomena that happens in my life apparently extends to my sisters too. We saw several peeps we knew in the short amount of time we were in the theater. In the lobby (while purchasing $4.50 sodas -- thanks, Regal Cinemas, for being sensitive to the economic crisis), we ran into Simply Married's hubs (she was already in the theater) and a co-worker of my sister's. Inside, we sat in front of another friend's brother and his GF. And we just missed Alexa by a hair too (she went to the 3pm show; we caught the 4pm one).

Overall, the sissy outing itself was better than the movie. The verdicts on HJNTIY?

• Sissy one -- 2.5 stars out of 4


• Sissy two -- 1.8 stars out of 4


• me -- 3 stars out of 4 (maybe because I could most readily relate to most of the characters since I'm still discovering that most boys are just not that into me?!?)

(We did, however, all agree that the potstickers at Cheesecake Factory were 3.5 out of 4.)

The only problem with going to see a movie like this is that there is basically zero chance that there are any single cuties that *might* sit next to you. If a guy is at that movie, he is either most definitely with a girl... or most definitely not into them.

P.S. If you're looking for a time waster, check out the HJNTIY official movie site. The date decoder is fun. So is the quiz. And so are the pics of my little Bradley Cooper.

Those darn Golden Girls had it right all along

For those of you who read this blog fairly regularly, you are well aware of my dating sitch right now. Or lack thereof.

Lucky for me, I have some amazing friends and family to keep me smiling throughout this dating drought. They are the Hall to my Oates. The gin to my juice. The peanut butter to my... well, see for yourself:

CASE IN POINT #1

I arrived home this week to find a bouquet of flowers sitting outside of my condo door. My mind immediately rushed to thinking they were belated birthday flowers, most likely from The Murse. (Which immediately made my stomach turn.) They were, indeed, birthday flowers. But they were from my very dear friend Ali and the card attached, it said, thank you for bein' a friend. (Did you read that sung to the theme song of The Golden Girls?) Truth be told, Ali and I used to spoon on my Mickey Mouse comforter in college while eating Pringles and watching the good ol' GGs. No wonder I looked like a house by the end of freshman year.

CASE IN POINT #2

I got an email today from my sissy's friend (who has now become my friend too) asking if I wanted to join her and another friend for a Valentine's Day dinner in Tremont. Umm... YES, PLEASE! I love fine dining and haven't had a lot of opportunities to go out without... well... a date to go with. So I am very much looking forward to my Valentine's Day threesome now. Wait, that sounded wrong...

CASE IN POINT #3

My sissies are amazingly funny and I love spending time with them. (Nowadays, that is. We hated each other when we were younger.) We just made plans to go see He's Just Not That into You this weekend (which I am super excited for), then grab din-din at a fine establishment at Crocker Park. (Too bad MAC doesn't serve food.) In addition to being fun to hang out with, my sissies just generally make me laugh on a daily basis. Take, for instance, the email I just received from my middle sissy: I officially have the best haircut ever and you should go to my girl. I am wearing my hair curly today and I look like a movie star. I mean, I seriously look like I could be one of those moms in a JIF commercial, or maybe even Swiffer Duster or Totino's Pizza Rolls. It's awesome!!!

(I especially enjoyed how sissy said she looked like a movie star, then cast herself in a series of commercials.)

So, ladies... consider this a charge: do something nice for one (or more) of your girlfriends today. Send a little cookie basket. (Though that would be mean if your friend is on a diet.) Drop her a little note telling her something awesome about herself. Take her for a manicure. Give her a coupon for one of those fat-melting wraps. (Tread carefully with that one.)

And remember to tell her... thank you for bein' a friend.

No wonder I suck just as bad at love as I do at math

After several people alerted me to the online Love Calculator (thanks, Alexa and blogmom!), I decided to take it for a spin and see what would happen. Lord knows I can use any guidance I can get at this point.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the Love Calculator, it's an online tool to help you determine whether your relationship has potential based on the names of the people in the relationship. Like Sonny + Cher. Or Brad + Angelina. Or Bert + Ernie. (I still contend those puppets were more than roommates, if you know what I mean.)

Anyhow, being the sucker that I am for anything that might possibly give me direction in the love department, I obviously tried it out. Here's the fun part. I used both *real* names (self-explanatory), as well as *blog* names (e.g., Always a Bridesmaid + The Murse), to see what would happen.

Let's take a gander at how the calculations worked out for what I would consider my three "real" boyfriends.

THE MUSH MOUTH

Real names: 99%. Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between [immature boy] and [amazing girl] has a very good chance of being successful, but this doesn't mean that you don't have to work on the relationship. Remember that every relationship needs spending time together, talking with each other etc.

Blog names: 71%. Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between The Mush Mouth and Always a Bridesmaid has a reasonable chance of working out, but on the other hand, it might not. Your relationship may suffer good and bad times. If things might not be working out as you would like them to, do not hesitate to talk about it with the person involved. Spend time together, talk with each other.

Really, Dr. Love? I find it amusing that both of these predictions involve talking to each other, considering the kid has the blog name The Mush Mouth because he mumbled and swallowed every word he ever said. And I would have expected a much better prediction for a 99% love match.

THE MURSE

Real names: 55%. Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between [noncommittal guy who may or may not have been gay] and [too good for him anyway girl] has a reasonable chance of working out, but on the other hand, it might not. Your relationship may suffer good and bad times. If things might not be working out as you would like them to, do not hesitate to talk about it with the person involved. Spend time together, talk with each other.

Blog names: 53%. Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between The Murse and Always a Bridesmaid has a reasonable chance of working out, but on the other hand, it might not. Your relationship may suffer good and bad times. If things might not be working out as you would like them to, do not hesitate to talk about it with the person involved. Spend time together, talk with each other.

WTF, Dr. Love? Do you only have like three different predictions to spew out of that love-predicto-meter of yours? Same one three times in a row? At least you're consistent on this one, though.

THE DIVORCEE

Real names: 64%. Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between [guy who wasn't ready for a relationship] and [girl with bad timing] has a reasonable chance of working out, but on the other hand, it might not. Your relationship may suffer good and bad times. If things might not be working out as you would like them to, do not hesitate to talk about it with the person involved. Spend time together, talk with each other.

Blog names: 75%. Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between The Divorcee and Always a Bridesmaid has a very good chance of being successful, but this doesn't mean that you don't have to work on the relationship. Remember that every relationship needs spending time together, talking with each other etc.

Ummm... the same two predictions AGAIN?!?! I give up. And think I might have to change my name in order to get better love prospects.

Did you try out the Love Calculator with your hubs, BF or crush? What was your score? And did you get any predictions other than the ones that kept popping up for me?

Valen-puke's Day

Is it really starting already? Do I really have to put up with 11 more days of friggin' "He went to Jared!" commercials?

Ugh.

Christmas alone? I can take it. You're surrounding by family and close friends, and there's always so much going on that you don't necessarily notice you're without a little jolly elf of your own. (Who you don't have to buy a present for when you're single, by the way.)

Solo bday? Not so bad. (At least, it wasn't so bad when I was younger and my friends and I would go out and get crazy. Nowadays things are a bit more tame. But I digress.) In reality, being single on your birthday isn't all that horrible. You still get cards, well wishes and gifts from the ones who really love you the most.

But being a lonely Valentine? Barf. It's the one day of the year that you are reminded (incessantly, I might add) of how ALONE you are. I don't need the jewelry commercials to remind me that ain't no one putting a diamond on my finger any time soon. I don't need the email notifications urging me to order a Vermont Teddy Bear for my sweetheart. And I certainly don't need all of the effing retail store signs reminding me at every turn that if I had a Valentine, I should be buying him something right that second.

In one of our early email exchanges, TMGB once referred to Valentine's Day as S.A.D. -- Singles Awareness Day. Sounds about right to me.

I am painfully aware. And single.

Man Monday (courtesy of The Murse... even tho he doesn't know it)

[Imagine a witty Man Monday post from TMGB here. Because it's 5pm on Monday and I still don't have one. Just like a man to not make good on a timeline. Though at least he's not about five years late like The Murse was.]

Speaking of The Murse... as you may recall, he and I dated for six years and broke up about three years ago. Since then, we have seen each other a couple of times (most recently at a wedding over the summer, where we chatted for a few minutes during a gin-fueled conversation that I can not recall). Each year, we also send the obligatory birthday email greetings to each other.

This year was no different.

SUBJECT:
January 29th

CONTENT:
Always a Bridesmaid,

I wanted to wish you happy birthday - I hope things are going well at work, home and with the family.

The Murse

While I appreciate the gesture... why even bother? I mean, at least prior years' messages had a little something more to them. The most I got out of this one was that he knew what the date was.

Am I just being mean? I know that it's very nice that he even thought to wish me a happy birthday. It just seems a little... well... forced.

And this is TOTES not my style (e.g., last year I cracked on him for being officially closer to 40 than 30... you know, a little humor to an otherwise completely awkward email). So do I reply (in May) with a just-as-lame email to him, or should I just let these silly birthday greetings fade away? Or should I just be myself and send a sarcastic bday greeting? Something like this:


I'm torn. (And also a little creeped out by how much this card looks like The Murse.)

What a great birthday... er... birth-weekend

I've had a few bday celebrations this week and got lots of fun swag. I'm so thankful to my friends and family for helping me kick this year off right.

I love everything I got (including the two cans of Pringles from blogparents -- which were also tucked in a bag with a gorge garnet/diamond ring... my birthstone) and am so thankful for everyone's thoughtful gifts. (Blogaunt even put together an "I read your blog so I know what you need" kit -- including a g.c. so I can go buy some new undies.) What am I MOST excited to try, though?

This, from sissies:
Why? Because, without it, my hair would literally look like this:

It's one thing to have Tina Turner's legs. It's another to have her hair.

Also... for all of you who have been complaining that the blog has been devoid of good boy stories this year, stay tuned. Had a couple of convos this weekend with people who have potential finders' fee material (read: boys) in the wings.

Which means that maybe my "if your birthday is today" horoscope (which was tucked into one of my bday cards) will come true: If you are single, you enter a new phase in your dating life. Someone quite substantial to your life's history will appear in the near future.

Fun! Thanks again, everyone!

Smooches!!