Monday, February 9, 2009

Man Monday

After a couple of weeks off, TMGB is back with a list of 10 things every single guy must own, many of which TMGB isn't so sure about. I don't know. There's something about a guy in a pair of nice shoes that just does it for me. Unless, of course, they happen to be Bruno Maglis and are the center of some sort of criminal investigation.


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As a user of Match.com, I sometimes receive a newsletter with dating tips and tricks. Their latest one is entitled “10 Things Every Single Guy Must Own.” Now, I’m thinking this article would go through a few basic items just to keep guys on track. Some of these suggestions are that, but I found others truly bizarre and hilarious and I’m wondering if all you ladies out there agree.

To start off with, the No. 1 item on the list is “A top-notch coffee/espresso maker.” Apparently, girls aren’t happy with a guy making them coffee in an ordinary coffee maker on the morning after, well, you know. No, Match.com says, the guy better own something capable of making a latte or a cappuccino if he wants to keep her around. They suggest purchasing the $230 Delonghi “Caffe Figaro” Coffee/Espresso Machine plus a $20 coffee grinder in order to truly make her feel like a princess. Seriously, ladies? Is this what it takes to satisfy your caffeine fix?

No. 2 on the list is a lamp in your bedroom other than the one on the ceiling. That’s pretty basic. Check.

No. 3 is Swiffer products if you have hard wood floors. Are you kidding me? I swear by this stuff. Check.

No. 4 is a comfortable couch, and skip the cliché black leather in favor of something more safe colorwise, something more neutral or earth-toney, and then jazzed up with interesting throw pillows. That’s sensible advice. I know many a guy who has bought the black leather couch when single and then is somehow surprised that it is the first thing either in the basement or at the curb when a girl moves in with him. Okay, I have no problem with this. Check.

No. 5 is a subject about which AAB had a poll going on recently. Underwear. Match.com is telling guys to ditch the tightey-whiteys in favor of boxers or boxer briefs. Anything that looks like a girl should wear it (bikini briefs for guys? Seriously?) or has cartoon characters on it is likely to send her running for the exits. And, they recommend throwing out old underwear, lest you be tempted to wear it when your clean underwear supply is running low, because you never know when, ahem, a target-rich environment will lead to you reeling in a great catch.

No. 6? Every single guy should have a Swiss army knife key chain. Not even joking. Is that what I’ve been doing wrong all these years? I needed the Swiss army knife key chain? Damn. If I’d only known it was that easy. Match says that when your date’s sunglasses come apart while dining al fresco, you’ll win over her heart by whipping out your keychain with its little tiny screwdriver to fix them. Seriously?

No. 7 is scarcely better. Every single guy should own a pair of designer jeans costing at least $150. Now, I don’t like cheap clothes. I prefer name-brand stuff, like Nautica or Polo just because it holds up better while looking nicer, and is generally comfier too in my opinion. And yet, despite my preference for name brand clothes, I can’t imagine spending $150 on a pair of jeans. Is Diesel or Seven really that much better? C’mon. I’m not buying this one.

No. 8 is even higher on the price target list. Every single guy should own one pair of shoes costing at least $200, Match says. Now, I knew girls really, really liked shoes, just because I helped my younger sister move her monstrous shoe collection a couple of times. But man, if only I’d know that girls were turning up their nose at me because my favorite Sandro Moscoloni Italian loafers cost a mere $99, then I would have been coupled up long ago! Right? Not really buying this one either.

No. 9 is a little more common sense. It stands to reason, Match.com says, that you and your date will be spending some quality time in your bed. So you might as well invest in some good Egyptian cotton sheets, 300 thread count or better. Okay. Sounds reasonable. Check.

Last but not least? Every single guy should own a copy of The Joy of Cooking. The 75th anniversary edition goes for $23.10 on Amazon.com. Apparently, Match.com says, the way to a woman’s heart also runs through her stomach, and there’s nothing like being able to fix Chicken Kiev to make her swoon.

Okay ladies, I’m eager to hear which ones of these you think are on target and which are stronzata. Barring another birthday or technical meltdown, I’ll be back next week.

Until then,
TMGB

9 comments:

Mel said...

TMGB -- Just ONCE, I would like to date a guy that even OWNED a coffeepot. Seriously. You want to know why I split before the sun is fully shining? That's why. I need my morning coffee! And yes, bedding is also very, very important. You know, in case I decide to sleep in.

And couches? I can ALMOST deal with the black leather, but a hand-me-down? When you're in your 30s? Get real. (Ahem, I meant "grow up"). And get thee to Value City.

I could care less for shoes or jeans. As long as you look put together, fine by me.

Jane Doe said...

I actually have to agree with #6. My husband wears a Swiss Army pocketknife on his belt, and while it's a little funny looking, it's been so useful. A couple of Christmases ago, he helped an elderly man at the post office fit some shipping boxes together to send a board game to his grandson. Some friends of ours have a son who got his head stuck in a chair at church a couple of months ago, and we had to take the back of the chair off. The same little boy, just last week, required another use if the knife (though I can't remember what). When no one could find a corkscrew the other night, he pulled out his pocketknife. This doesn't even touch all the loose thread I can snip off with the scissors.

It may not be romantic, but it's so useful. (And yes, my husband was a Boy Scout.)

Megan said...

I am with you on the coffee thing. I don't even drink coffee...most of my friends drink it only occasionally. I don't get why this is a must have.

Mostly this left me wondering what kind of woman you were trying to attract. Sure maybe our fantasy man is a great cook and has superb taste...but most women accept that men are human and will not be their fantasy man. I say a woman who really expected these things would likely be high maintenance.

I agree on the stuff about the shoes and the clothes and just state that you must actually own some nice clothes and shoes - it doesn't matter what they cost- they just need to fit your right and look nice. I also say they forgot a few things...How about towels and washcloths? Seriously I went out with a guy who had like two towels...if you end up staying over...you better hope he just did laundry and make sure you have hand soap and lotion in the bathroom.

Medicated and Motivated said...

1. I don't even drink coffee.

2, 3 and 4 are reasonable requests.

5. I agree. I prefer boxer briefs, but boxers are okay.

6, 7 and 8 - I could care less.

9. I do love nice soft sheets.

10. I'd rather go out to eat, order in, or do the cooking myself. Unless you want to grill a steak.

Anonymous said...

Ditch the coffee maker..even sweeter if you run to the closest Starbucks in the morning. Definitely get the jeans and shoes...DEFINITELY.

Smash said...

I don't agree with the 200 dollar shoe thing... as long as the guy is wearing shoes. Seriously, I went on a second date with a guy who wore bedroom slippers. He thought they "looked" like shoes.

It was our last date.

And I think its more important a man can grill than own a coffee pot. But then again I don't drink coffee.

And I think its important he knows how to open doors, pull out a lady's chair, and put on her coat at the end of the night!

Smash said...

PS Thanks for the compliment on my little blog :)

Mel said...

I was totally just reminded about something else: SOAP in the main bathroom!! I cannot believe how many men to NOT have soap in the place where you are supposed to wash your hands after you flush.

I wish I were kidding. Even in homes that looked somewhat put together.

Colleen said...

If i saw an espresso machine AND the joy of cooking...first thought: Gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I just find dating a gay guy, well, limited, if you will.

If you are in your 30's, I think the main thing a girl is looking for in a guy is, How Grown Up is He? Instead of putting things in your life/home that meet some sort of list..why not take stock of what you do have and ask the question...Is this what a grown up owns? So, when taking inventory of your life/home, you may want to replace the St. Pauli Girl Poster with, say, black and white photos of Cleveland or another fav spot.

A girl wants to feel, as old fashioned as it might sound, that she is with someone who is capable of (but doesn't necessarily have to because of how strong/successful/independent we are) taking care of her.

So, you see, that little MacGyver like accessory that you keep on your keychain will not help you GET the girl, but it will certainly help KEEP her when you use it to skillfully disarm the nuclear bomb that is about to go off...saving her and the rest of the world from disaster. Again, ditch the Girls Gone Wild Videos and replace it with the Swiss Army Knife pocketknife.

That's what a Grown Up Would Do.