As a user of Match.com, I sometimes receive a newsletter with dating tips and tricks. Their latest one is entitled “10 Things Every Single Guy Must Own.” Now, I’m thinking this article would go through a few basic items just to keep guys on track. Some of these suggestions are that, but I found others truly bizarre and hilarious and I’m wondering if all you ladies out there agree.
To start off with, the No. 1 item on the list is “A top-notch coffee/espresso maker.” Apparently, girls aren’t happy with a guy making them coffee in an ordinary coffee maker on the morning after, well, you know. No, Match.com says, the guy better own something capable of making a latte or a cappuccino if he wants to keep her around. They suggest purchasing the $230 Delonghi “Caffe Figaro” Coffee/Espresso Machine plus a $20 coffee grinder in order to truly make her feel like a princess. Seriously, ladies? Is this what it takes to satisfy your caffeine fix?
No. 2 on the list is a lamp in your bedroom other than the one on the ceiling. That’s pretty basic. Check.
No. 3 is Swiffer products if you have hard wood floors. Are you kidding me? I swear by this stuff. Check.
No. 4 is a comfortable couch, and skip the cliché black leather in favor of something more safe colorwise, something more neutral or earth-toney, and then jazzed up with interesting throw pillows. That’s sensible advice. I know many a guy who has bought the black leather couch when single and then is somehow surprised that it is the first thing either in the basement or at the curb when a girl moves in with him. Okay, I have no problem with this. Check.
No. 5 is a subject about which AAB had a poll going on recently. Underwear. Match.com is telling guys to ditch the tightey-whiteys in favor of boxers or boxer briefs. Anything that looks like a girl should wear it (bikini briefs for guys? Seriously?) or has cartoon characters on it is likely to send her running for the exits. And, they recommend throwing out old underwear, lest you be tempted to wear it when your clean underwear supply is running low, because you never know when, ahem, a target-rich environment will lead to you reeling in a great catch.
No. 6? Every single guy should have a Swiss army knife key chain. Not even joking. Is that what I’ve been doing wrong all these years? I needed the Swiss army knife key chain? Damn. If I’d only known it was that easy. Match says that when your date’s sunglasses come apart while dining al fresco, you’ll win over her heart by whipping out your keychain with its little tiny screwdriver to fix them. Seriously?
No. 7 is scarcely better. Every single guy should own a pair of designer jeans costing at least $150. Now, I don’t like cheap clothes. I prefer name-brand stuff, like Nautica or Polo just because it holds up better while looking nicer, and is generally comfier too in my opinion. And yet, despite my preference for name brand clothes, I can’t imagine spending $150 on a pair of jeans. Is Diesel or Seven really that much better? C’mon. I’m not buying this one.
No. 8 is even higher on the price target list. Every single guy should own one pair of shoes costing at least $200, Match says. Now, I knew girls really, really liked shoes, just because I helped my younger sister move her monstrous shoe collection a couple of times. But man, if only I’d know that girls were turning up their nose at me because my favorite Sandro Moscoloni Italian loafers cost a mere $99, then I would have been coupled up long ago! Right? Not really buying this one either.
No. 9 is a little more common sense. It stands to reason, Match.com says, that you and your date will be spending some quality time in your bed. So you might as well invest in some good Egyptian cotton sheets, 300 thread count or better. Okay. Sounds reasonable. Check.
Last but not least? Every single guy should own a copy of The Joy of Cooking. The 75th anniversary edition goes for $23.10 on Amazon.com. Apparently, Match.com says, the way to a woman’s heart also runs through her stomach, and there’s nothing like being able to fix Chicken Kiev to make her swoon.
Okay ladies, I’m eager to hear which ones of these you think are on target and which are stronzata. Barring another birthday or technical meltdown, I’ll be back next week.