Monday, March 8, 2010

Four steps to becoming an all-star d-bag

Step 1: Be belligerently drunk. (But in your defense, dude, everyone at that party was pretty wasted. Except I wasn't. So, you'll have that.)

Step 2: Be so drunk that you inadvertently spit on me every time you open your mouth. (To the point that I am wiping my face. Did you happen to notice that?)

Step 3: Upon deciding that you are too drunk and/or spitty to continue talking to, follow me as I walk away. When I respond to your tap on my shoulder, stare at me like a deer caught in headlights. (Then lose your balance and try to catch yourself on the table next to you. Which, unfortunately, happens to spin like a lazy Susan. Ooops.)

Step 4: Whisper (or what you think is a whisper) to your friend as I'm walking away, "Hey, dude, I'm just trying to get a BJ here."

Aaaaaand, there you have it, guys. Four easy steps to ensure I will not give you my number. Or a BJ.

P.S. Does anyone else now have this song stuck in their heads? (And I'm not mad at it. Are you?)

17 comments:

Ams said...

You have GOT to be kidding me... I would be LOSING my mind!!! Good for you for remaining composed!

More than a Mom said...

That guy sure sounds classy. Geez. I came across your blog a week or so ago, and I love it by the way.

iCarabout - Cleveland Entertainment Reporter said...

OMG...I have to take a wild guess at where you were when this interaction happened. Was is W6th? LOL..that just SOUNDS like W6th behavior (for a guy at least). Haha, great post!

MG said...

men over 25 get caught being that drunk in public?

Respectfully Yours said...

Hey, stop dating the same guys as my daughter....LOL

Yup, that's what's out there.

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

Noooo! Did this really happen to you?! OMG, I don't know whether to laugh or cry!! How did you refrain from completely DECKING this guy?

You are a far, far better woman than I!!

Amy said...

Oh my god!! I can't believe how disgusting of a guy that is. I've dealt with my share of #1-3's but never had #4!! What a loser!

Allison M. said...

You know, guys are pretty much stupid.

And I've been in your case before although I don't remember that much spitting.

blogmom said...

This would have been the perfect opportunity to use one of grandma's rain bonnets. . . :)

Always a Bridesmaid said...

Ams -- he was so drunk, I doubt he even remembers saying it!

More than a Mom -- glad to have you! :)

Cara -- actually, I was NOT on W. 6th if you can believe it. It was actually a little dive bar.

MG -- yes. YES.

Respectfully Yours -- ha ha! Maybe your daughter and I should hang out!

Anything -- YES, this really happened to me. I even have witnesses. ;)

Amy -- ha ha, I know!

Allison -- guys are pretty much d-bags, no? (Except your BF, who's obvs perfect. ha ha ha.)

MG said...

ugh, cleveland is so ghetto and un-refined. No wonder I'm embarrassed to admit i'm from here when I travel.

LiLu said...

At least he didn't spit IN your mouth?

Nope. I got nothin.

Narm said...

"I'm just trying to get a BJ here." is really the life motto of all men. It is one big BJ quest. It would be helpful if you women could give us some sort of treasure map. One that doesn't have a stop at Tiffanys.

MG said...

@ Narm-

I have to disagree on that.

Pursuing a BJ is bush-league and smacks of boyish, frat-choad pudwackery.

A real man would have been more sober, calculated, and been silently pursuing full intercourse in the party's bathroom...and then if it worked would make it seem like it wasn't his idea at all, both parties were just caught up in the moment like the café scene between Diane Lane and Oliver Martinez in "Unfaithful."


agreed on the road-map that doesnt lead to Tiffany's.

Don't shoot the messenger.

MG

Stacy said...

I just threw up in my mouth a little. That was disgusting!

Always a Bridesmaid said...

blogmom -- and you KNOW I still have some.

LiLu -- I didn't let him anywhere NEAR my mouth.

Narm -- I heard they're thinking of changing the name to TiffaBJs.

MG -- I'm fairly confident Narm was kidding. Don't take yourself so seriously.

Stacy -- ha ha! Imagine hearing it in real-time!

MG said...

obvy.

who says I wasn't joking too?