Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Dirty 30's dating dilemmas

Besides the regular "How are you not married yet?" question we 30-something bachelorettes hear on a regular basis, there are other (far more frightening) dating dilemmas that face us.

Behold, my list of things I wish I'd been prepared for as a 30-something single lady:
  • CHIN HAIRS. What? Don't deny it, ladies. Once you turn 30, something mysteriously happens to your hormones, and every now and then a giant whisker pops out on your chin overnite. Mine tend to come at the same time my little monthly visitor arrives, and I swear to God my chin goes from "Justin Bieber smooth" to having one hair long and thick enough to put rasta beads on it. Let this be a warning to you ladies who haven't gone through this yet: travel with tweezers.
  • SPANX. When you're younger, you're all cute and skinny and effing adorable and whatnot. (Bitches.) But once you hit 30 -- even if your weight doesn't change on the scale -- things start moving to places they shouldn't. Now don't get me wrong... I LOVE me some Spanx. (Or Assets, as the case may be.) They help make a 30-something-year old body look like a 20-something's. At least, they can help you fake it with clothes on. But what I DON'T love is the awkwardness that ensues when you start thinking ahead to the end of a date and wonder what the hell the cute guy you're out with is going to think if he discovers your Betty White undergarments when he goes to tickle your undercarriage. I may have a friend (ahem) who once or twice excused herself to go to the restroom, shimmied out of her Spanx, shoved them into her purse (or threw them out, if her clutch was too small) and came out to her date as though nothing had happened, just to avoid the embarrassment that might come if he discovered what had kept her looking svelte all nite. Oh, that silly "friend."
  • CELLULITE. So tell me now... when exactly does cellulite go from being cute (a la the sweet chubby baby we all love to ogle) to gross (a la my ass these days)? Because it does, ladies. Oh, it does. And no matter what miracle cream you think you've discovered to get rid of that flab, it just doesn't work. The only solution I've found to this dating dilemma thus far is a blindfold. For him. (Or exercise. But, you know. That's hard work.)
And I've got plenty more where that came from. Hmmm... maybe this whole "Dirty 30s dating dilemmas" should become a regular feature here at 27 Dresses. It can be my public service warning to those of you quickly approaching 30-something dating territory.

(Or a relief to those of you who are already there and experiencing these same horrors!)

So tell me... if you're single and in (or near) your 30s, what dating dilemmas do you wish you knew about before they happened?


Mel said...

Chin hairs! Omg I'm glad I'm not the only one. It's just ONE freaking hair. But it shows randomly every couple of months. And yes, I ALWAYS travel with tweezers. Chin hair, knee hairs, armpit hair... I'm 33 and still don't know how to shave properly.

I don't use Spanx, but let me tell you something about cellulite: even if you exercise your balls off, you can still have some. Also, my mother -- who bore 7 children -- none (bitch).

Great post!

Allison M. said...

I'm rubbing my chin right this second seeing if I have any!

Always a Bridesmaid said...

Mel -- ha ha! The curse of the chinny chin chin! Also, your mother had 7 children and doesn't have cellulite? I officially hate her.

Allison -- they're cooooooming!

Girl in Carolina said...

SPANX! I hate those things! They just shift the fat around. hahaha Funny post! And so true.