Man Monday moratorium (maybe)

Hi, guys. In case you haven't noticed, we've been without a Man Monday update for the past two weeks. And I've decided that we're now going to be without one (at least, from TMGB) from here on out.

I'm not quite sure what happened. (Actually, I do think I know what might have happened. Check out the P.S. below.)

After a strong start several weeks ago, TMGB (The Male Guest Blogger) disappeared for a couple of weeks (I let it slide, figuring something important must be going on), then reappeared a couple of weeks ago with some lame-o excuse for why he hadn't been submitting. (Something about his email/server being down. But whatevs. There's no way he was not on email for two whole weeks.)

After reappearing for another week or two, he's now disappeared again for another two weeks. So I'm killing the weekly Man Monday feature. (At least, the version where TMGB alone submitted guest blog posts.)

So, I'm looking for feedback from you about what direction to take Man Mondays. Would you like having one specific (guy) guest blogger writing an entry each week (similar to TMGB, but more reliable than he has proven to be)? Or maybe a different guy's perspective each week? Or would you like more write-in stories from guys wanting advice from all of you (similar to In Too Deep's plight)? Something else? Nothing at all? What?!?!

Man, even the cyber men in my life don't come through. That's depressing.

P.S. In the interest of full disclosure, I do have an inkling as to why TMGB disappeared. For whatever reason, his full name appeared on his last submission to me, which I alerted him to. (Prior to that, I only knew his first name.) With his anonymity gone, I think perhaps his balls followed. Which I'm actually sort of pissed about because I was really proud of my lamely executed "Man Monday" visual that I concocted way up there in the right hand corner of this post.

Man Monday

After a couple of weeks off, TMGB is back with a list of 10 things every single guy must own, many of which TMGB isn't so sure about. I don't know. There's something about a guy in a pair of nice shoes that just does it for me. Unless, of course, they happen to be Bruno Maglis and are the center of some sort of criminal investigation.

*****

As a user of Match.com, I sometimes receive a newsletter with dating tips and tricks. Their latest one is entitled “10 Things Every Single Guy Must Own.” Now, I’m thinking this article would go through a few basic items just to keep guys on track. Some of these suggestions are that, but I found others truly bizarre and hilarious and I’m wondering if all you ladies out there agree.

To start off with, the No. 1 item on the list is “A top-notch coffee/espresso maker.” Apparently, girls aren’t happy with a guy making them coffee in an ordinary coffee maker on the morning after, well, you know. No, Match.com says, the guy better own something capable of making a latte or a cappuccino if he wants to keep her around. They suggest purchasing the $230 Delonghi “Caffe Figaro” Coffee/Espresso Machine plus a $20 coffee grinder in order to truly make her feel like a princess. Seriously, ladies? Is this what it takes to satisfy your caffeine fix?

No. 2 on the list is a lamp in your bedroom other than the one on the ceiling. That’s pretty basic. Check.

No. 3 is Swiffer products if you have hard wood floors. Are you kidding me? I swear by this stuff. Check.

No. 4 is a comfortable couch, and skip the cliché black leather in favor of something more safe colorwise, something more neutral or earth-toney, and then jazzed up with interesting throw pillows. That’s sensible advice. I know many a guy who has bought the black leather couch when single and then is somehow surprised that it is the first thing either in the basement or at the curb when a girl moves in with him. Okay, I have no problem with this. Check.

No. 5 is a subject about which AAB had a poll going on recently. Underwear. Match.com is telling guys to ditch the tightey-whiteys in favor of boxers or boxer briefs. Anything that looks like a girl should wear it (bikini briefs for guys? Seriously?) or has cartoon characters on it is likely to send her running for the exits. And, they recommend throwing out old underwear, lest you be tempted to wear it when your clean underwear supply is running low, because you never know when, ahem, a target-rich environment will lead to you reeling in a great catch.

No. 6? Every single guy should have a Swiss army knife key chain. Not even joking. Is that what I’ve been doing wrong all these years? I needed the Swiss army knife key chain? Damn. If I’d only known it was that easy. Match says that when your date’s sunglasses come apart while dining al fresco, you’ll win over her heart by whipping out your keychain with its little tiny screwdriver to fix them. Seriously?

No. 7 is scarcely better. Every single guy should own a pair of designer jeans costing at least $150. Now, I don’t like cheap clothes. I prefer name-brand stuff, like Nautica or Polo just because it holds up better while looking nicer, and is generally comfier too in my opinion. And yet, despite my preference for name brand clothes, I can’t imagine spending $150 on a pair of jeans. Is Diesel or Seven really that much better? C’mon. I’m not buying this one.

No. 8 is even higher on the price target list. Every single guy should own one pair of shoes costing at least $200, Match says. Now, I knew girls really, really liked shoes, just because I helped my younger sister move her monstrous shoe collection a couple of times. But man, if only I’d know that girls were turning up their nose at me because my favorite Sandro Moscoloni Italian loafers cost a mere $99, then I would have been coupled up long ago! Right? Not really buying this one either.

No. 9 is a little more common sense. It stands to reason, Match.com says, that you and your date will be spending some quality time in your bed. So you might as well invest in some good Egyptian cotton sheets, 300 thread count or better. Okay. Sounds reasonable. Check.

Last but not least? Every single guy should own a copy of The Joy of Cooking. The 75th anniversary edition goes for $23.10 on Amazon.com. Apparently, Match.com says, the way to a woman’s heart also runs through her stomach, and there’s nothing like being able to fix Chicken Kiev to make her swoon.

Okay ladies, I’m eager to hear which ones of these you think are on target and which are stronzata. Barring another birthday or technical meltdown, I’ll be back next week.

Until then,
TMGB

Valen-puke's Day

Is it really starting already? Do I really have to put up with 11 more days of friggin' "He went to Jared!" commercials?

Ugh.

Christmas alone? I can take it. You're surrounding by family and close friends, and there's always so much going on that you don't necessarily notice you're without a little jolly elf of your own. (Who you don't have to buy a present for when you're single, by the way.)

Solo bday? Not so bad. (At least, it wasn't so bad when I was younger and my friends and I would go out and get crazy. Nowadays things are a bit more tame. But I digress.) In reality, being single on your birthday isn't all that horrible. You still get cards, well wishes and gifts from the ones who really love you the most.

But being a lonely Valentine? Barf. It's the one day of the year that you are reminded (incessantly, I might add) of how ALONE you are. I don't need the jewelry commercials to remind me that ain't no one putting a diamond on my finger any time soon. I don't need the email notifications urging me to order a Vermont Teddy Bear for my sweetheart. And I certainly don't need all of the effing retail store signs reminding me at every turn that if I had a Valentine, I should be buying him something right that second.

In one of our early email exchanges, TMGB once referred to Valentine's Day as S.A.D. -- Singles Awareness Day. Sounds about right to me.

I am painfully aware. And single.

Man Monday (courtesy of The Murse... even tho he doesn't know it)

[Imagine a witty Man Monday post from TMGB here. Because it's 5pm on Monday and I still don't have one. Just like a man to not make good on a timeline. Though at least he's not about five years late like The Murse was.]

Speaking of The Murse... as you may recall, he and I dated for six years and broke up about three years ago. Since then, we have seen each other a couple of times (most recently at a wedding over the summer, where we chatted for a few minutes during a gin-fueled conversation that I can not recall). Each year, we also send the obligatory birthday email greetings to each other.

This year was no different.

SUBJECT:
January 29th

CONTENT:
Always a Bridesmaid,

I wanted to wish you happy birthday - I hope things are going well at work, home and with the family.

The Murse

While I appreciate the gesture... why even bother? I mean, at least prior years' messages had a little something more to them. The most I got out of this one was that he knew what the date was.

Am I just being mean? I know that it's very nice that he even thought to wish me a happy birthday. It just seems a little... well... forced.

And this is TOTES not my style (e.g., last year I cracked on him for being officially closer to 40 than 30... you know, a little humor to an otherwise completely awkward email). So do I reply (in May) with a just-as-lame email to him, or should I just let these silly birthday greetings fade away? Or should I just be myself and send a sarcastic bday greeting? Something like this:


I'm torn. (And also a little creeped out by how much this card looks like The Murse.)

Man Monday

Hi, friends! Welcome to another installment of Man Monday, featuring TMGB. Looks like he and I will BOTH be single this year on our birthdays. (Unless I find someone in the next 10 days. And he finds someone, like, tomorrow.)

*****

Does anyone remember the scene from the movie True Lies when Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character Harry Tasker discovers (or thinks he discovers) his wife having an affair, and sneaks out of her office back to his car, where his partner played by Tom Arnold is waiting? Arnold’s character immediately begins trying to cheer Tasker up saying: “Hey, she still loves you, man. She just wants to bang this guy for a while.” Tasker then picks up Arnold’s character by the shirt collar, slams him in the SUV they’re driving, and says: “STOP! Cheering me UP!”

With my 30th birthday now a mere 3 days away, the likelihood is that, unless a 10-years-younger version of Giada DiLaurentis shows up on my doorstep sometime in the next 72 hours, I will be single, again, on my birthday. Of course, having your birthday smack in the middle of the worst time of the year to be single adds insult to injury, which I’m sure AAB can attest to. And my well-meaning family and friends, in an attempt to cheer me up, have been sending me the craziest suggestions about things I should do to attenuate my singleness on my birthday.

Besides the obvious suggestions of partying at some strip club, there have been some really hilarious ideas out there. The funniest? Well I definitely think that honor goes to one of my old frat brothers from college, who suggested that I should fly out to Las Vegas, NV the weekend of January 9-11 to attend the Adult Video Network, or AVN, awards.

For those of you blissfully unaware, the AVN awards are the Oscars of the adult video industry. I will leave it to your more than capable imaginations to discern what the award categories are. The award ceremonies are attended by all manner of porn stars posing for photos and signing autographs. Would commiserating with porn stars make me feel better about being single? Maybe. But it would also make me wonder whether there was a man size vat of Purell to dip myself in at the end of the evening. I politely declined that one.

Another friend suggested that I fly out to the West Coast to attend a seminar on how to pick up women hosted by Mystery, star of the VH-1 reality show The Pick-Up Artist. For those that haven’t seen the show, 8 guys who are clueless about women are trained by Mystery, supposedly the world’s greatest pick up artist, on the ways of love. Every episode a contestant is eliminated, and at the end the winner receives $50,000 as well as the title master pick up artist.

Apparently, Mystery is capitalizing on the show’s popularity and is now teaching the ways of love to paying clients. The cost of a weekend seminar? A mere $3,500! It seems this friend didn’t get the memo that I purchased a condo and new car early last year when the economy was still in relatively good shape, and I don’t have that kind of cash to throw around right now. Sorry!

Other suggestions? Well, someone sent me a link to the article “Marry Him! The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” from the March 2008 edition of The Atlantic magazine. The article’s author, a 40-year-old single mom, exhorts 30-something single women to settle for marrying Mr. Good Enough rather than hold out for Mr. Right. The e-mail that accompanied the link said that I should cheer up, because single women with biological clocks a tickin’ will soon be beating down my front door because I have my own home, a good career, and are reasonably good looking, and that pretty soon I’ll get to be the picky one after spending my 20’s getting crapped on by picky women. Did this make me feel better about being single on my 30th birthday? Eh, not really.

What does make me feel better about being single on my 30th? The knowledge that tomorrow, George W. Bush finally gets out of the White House after 8 disastrous years! As a matter of fact, chances are pretty good that I’ll be partying harder tomorrow than I will on my actual birthday.

Next week, I’ll be back to bring you the case of the cute doctor and her which-team-does-he-play-for boyfriend.

Until then!

Love,
TMGB

Man Monday

For those of you new to reading this blog (or who have amnesia from last week), here's the second installment of Man Monday, courtesy of TMGB (The Male Guest Blogger for those of you with amnesia... wait... what?... who has amnesia?... where am I?). Enjoy!

*****

First of all, my apologies for the tardiness of this post. You see, U.S. Senator George Voinovich announced his retirement today, and that has caused quite a bit of activity on the political blog that I maintain when I’m not writing guess blog posts for AAB. So, I’m a bit behind schedule today, not that that is atypical of Mondays. But can you believe the insolence of Voinovich to interrupt AAB and I’s carefully planned blogging schedule? The nerve!

Now, I was going to devote this post to telling you about the hilarious attempts by my family and friends to cheer me up about being single on my fast-approaching (10 days away!) 30TH birthday. However, since AAB’s post about me generated such excitement and 10 replies, I thought I’d take a little bit of time to introduce myself instead. Specifically, I just wanted to answer AAB’s questions.

Question #1: Am I an ax murderer? That would negative, ghostrider. I run one of Ohio’s largest political blogs (AAB knows which one. I sent her the link in my first e-mail to her), and have interviewed numerous elected officials, including Ohio Gov. Ted Strickland, Sen. Sherrod Brown, and others. I was approved for press credentials for the Democratic National Convention in Denver this past summer, and I’m sure that the approval process for that involved someone poking around in my not-so-dirty laundry.

I found AAB’s blog in the Plain Dealer’s What bloggers are talking about… column which I read to see if any of my stuff shows up in there. I loved it. She’s hilarious. If I was an axe murderer, I would think that either my employer would have picked up on that and not hired me, or my bank would have picked up on it and not approved me for a mortgage, or something like that. Besides, anyone who knows me would tell you that I’m a big teddy bear. So, nope, not an axe murderer.

Question #2: How tall am I? Before I answer this question, let me just say this.

I understand that women prefer men who are tall, at least as tall as they are. I get that. It’s a mate preference that has been baked right into female DNA over millennia of evolution. OK? I got it.

But, men have their own mate preference that also has been baked right into male DNA over millennia of evolution. That preference is for a woman who has an hourglass figure. And yet, I can’t help but notice that while it would be considered VERY impolite for a man to inquire about a woman’s weight, somehow it’s perfectly okay for a woman to ask a man how tall he is. Hello, double standard.

Can you imagine what would happen to any man who asked a woman he was chatting with online how much she weighed? I can see it now. A mob of angry women showing up to his house with torches and pitchforks, ripping him from his home and driving him out of town with whips and vicious dogs on leashes and drummers like the guy from Progressive Field banging away as they march the poor bastard to the city gates.

All that said, I’m 5 foot 10. :)

Question #3: Do I wear a lot of jewelry? In all seriousness, No. Absolutely not. I wear a watch with a stainless steel band and that’s all. I have a silly superstition that says it would be a bad idea to wear any more than that. It’s silly, but it’s something I wouldn’t tell a girl the reason for unless I really trust her.

Question #4: What does my smile look like? I think its my best feature. :)

Do I meet the critiera for the finders’ fee? Well, I don’t really consider myself a metrosexual. But 5 out of 6 isn’t a bad batting average. (Always a Bridesmaid side note: good thing I'm not a stickler for someone good at math. There are clearly not six questions here, are there?)

Would I be open to meeting with AAB? Sure, but I think that if we did that it would probably put a damper on this whole guest blogging thing. And I’ve got lots of stuff to share with you. I’ve got all of my birthday suggestions, a couple of hilarious fix-up dates to tell you about, plus more fun stuff on the way. So, when this whole guest blogging thing has run its course, maybe AAB and I will meet up somewhere. But until then, sit back and relax folks, because there’s more TMGB coming next week.

Until then,
TMGB

*****

P.S. Make sure you check back tomorrow to learn about the idea I have for a new invention that will make living in cold-temperature regions a little easier for us single ladies.

TMGB + AAB = ???

(Sung to the tune of whiny school girls on a playground)

"AAB and TMGB sittin' in a tree, b-l-o-gg-i-n-g."

Since I posted the first Man Monday installment this week, I have received several emails and a couple of blog comments asking me if TMGB and I have met.

No, we haven't.

But should we?

PROS:

• He is funny. (At least, in writing he is.)


• He is Italian. (I know this from the emails we exchanged prior to him becoming a guest blogger. I'm Italian too, so I know what I'm getting myself into there.)


• He is close with his family. (Again, I am gathering this from his emails.)


• He uses proper grammar. (Something about a guy who can't spell totally turns me off. Is that wierd? Ha ha ha. Gotcha. I spelled "weird" wrong on purpose. If you're a guy reading this and you didn't catch that, don't bother emailing me. Unless you're really, really cute.)

CONS:

• I do not like blind dates. "WHAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUT, Always a Bridesmaid?," you say? True. I have been going on more blind(ish) dates. But, to be fair, the guys I've gone on those dates with have always been somewhat vetted by a friend or family member first. (Or me, but I just didn't remember. NOTE: the attorney referenced in that linked blog post later became The Lawyer.) That said, TMGB appeared out of the blue. What if he's a serial killer who finds his victims on blogs about their horrendous dating lives?!?! Just sayin'.


• I have absolutely no idea what TMGB looks like. How tall is he? Does he wear tons of jewelry (other than a watch)? What's his smile look like? (Not that I'm totally superficial. But I do think you have to be attracted to someone in order for it to work. I mean, what if he's this guy?)


• I have no idea if he meets any of the criteria I look for in a guy. (Other than the funny part.)


• I have really been enjoying this whole guest blogging thing that TMGB and I have been email bantering about. And if I meet him, I think that might ruin it.

So, I'm torn.

I get where you were all coming from when you emailed me to meet him... but I'm just not sure I'm there yet!

Give me a few weeks and we'll talk about it again then.

Til then, carry on with your silly schoolgirl chants.

Taking a boy break -- or am I?

I haven't written about a lot of the boys swirling about me these days. (The Teacher, The Teachalian, The Italian Stallion, The Mouse and The Banker all made appearances in some way during the holidays.) Because, to be honest, I needed a boy break.

The truth is... sometimes it is exhausting to be constantly thinking about my (lack of) love life. Sure, there are always randoms floating around (who'd have thunk that damn Banker would show up via random holiday texts -- THREE of them!), but I haven't really had a *real* date since The Lawyer. And we all know how that turned out.

So, I haven't been returning boys' calls.

I haven't been returning boys' emails.

I haven't been returning (some) boys' texts.

I just needed a break.

But, I think I am going to start '09 with a fresh perspective. Focus less on quantity and more on quality.

(Though, as Molly likes to remind me... it only takes one. So wouldn't my chances be better if I have more to choose from? Who knows.)

And here's fair warning: I may just need a couple more weeks of minimal boy interaction. Except, of course, for TMGB. Because he'll be back next week with his new weekly feature -- Man Mondays. (Which means I'll have to email with him in the meantime.)

(BTW, did you see his post this week? I effing loved it.)

Anyhow... what do you think? Should I continue with this self-imposed XY-ile (that's supposed to be a cutesy way to say "boy exile"), or should I surround myself with as many potentials as possible (figuring that at least someone might be worth dating?!?!)?

Man Monday - Our First Installment!

Welcome back to reality, everyone. I'm guessing this post finds most of you at your first day back on the job since the holidays. So what better way to waste... I mean... spend your time at work than with our first installment of Man Monday?

Man Monday posts will share with us the XY perspective on dating, relationships and what the fascination is with Gisele Bundchen.

For now, these posts will come courtesy of The Male Guest Blogger (TMGB), who some of you may remember has been emailing me since I put out the request for guest bloggers.

Please comment on this post or email me if there's anything specific you want to hear from TMGB. (Like why men insist on leaving the toilet seat up or tuning you out when they're watching sports.)

*****

I’m sure the readers of 27 Dresses in Cleveland have probably heard single people complaining about the holidays before. After all, this time of year is when single people wonder if the gods planned this part of the calendar to curse them: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, and Valentine’s Day all lined up in a nice neat row, in the middle of winter when everyone who is coupled up is making love by the fireplace (or so it seems).

For those of you not fortunate enough to be Italian, I’d like to share another time-honored single person’s holiday annoyance with you – drop-dead gorgeous cousins, or DDGC’s, as I like to call them.

DDGC’s are people you see maybe 2 or 3 times a year in person. The rest of the time they only exist as your friends on Facebook or Myspace, where their photos silently remind you just how pretty they, and their significant others, are. DDGC’s don’t show up for Thanksgiving because they are with their boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancée/husband/wife’s family, and, on the holidays that they DO show up to your family party, they are always the first out the door so they can scamper off to spend time with their beloved one, while you get to hang out some more with the old-timers and sleep in whichever corner of the house has room.

Meanwhile, you also have to endure the time honored tradition (and I know AAB has blogged about this before) of having your relatives speculate on why you’re still single. Thus it doesn’t help that most of those annoying DDGC’s are younger than you are, because even if they don’t say it out loud, you can tell they’re thinking it: well he’s only 24 and HE’s got a girlfriend.

And, of course, while this exercise is going on, you’re thinking: Yeah, whatever. He’s also 6-foot-5 and was blessed with the metabolism to be able to consume vast quantities of pasta and meatballs and still stay trim and fit, a gift not all of us were given. But of course, you instead smile and make a joke about waiting for women to come to their senses. And, if your mother is within earshot you can count on her to loudly insist (with the help of several glasses of wine) that there isn’t a woman alive that’s good enough for her little boy. This is about the time that you attempt to plot your escape in the direction of the bar, where it is now officially time to break out the shot glasses and the sambuca.

Of course, now the holidays are over, and my DDGC’s won’t be seen or heard from again until at least Easter. I hope that I won’t have to hear or see what they are up to on Valentine’s Day, but I do hope they keep trying to cheer me up about my upcoming 30th birthday. Some of the suggestions I’ve received have been, well, let’s say colorful, and I’ll be back next week to share some of them with you. Until then, Happy New Year everyone!

Love,
TMGB

Guest blogger #5 - Out of money, out of luck

Ooops, readers. I thought I only had one last guest blogger in the queue (TMGB), but I forgot about this little nugget from Ashley over at Encounters of the Human Kind.

Since Ashley already wrote about this horrible date on her own blog (and I'm all about lazy blogging during the holidays), just click on the link above to find out how not to impress a woman on a first date.

The experience she describes makes every leather pants lawyer/lady parts salesman/cartwheel doing-guy I've dated and/or seen on the prowl sound like a prince.

Seriously. Who starts a date at 11pm? (Other than... ahem... those ladies who are *paid* to do so.) And THEN he doesn't have enough money to pay for himself? OMG.

Go check it out. You'll feel better about every pathetic date you've ever been on.

*****

And now that you've checked out Ashley's blog (what? you didn't go there yet? promise you will after you finish this post!), I officially only have one guest blogger left in the hopper: TMGB. Thanks again to everyone who contributed to the blog over the past week! It was nice to have a little time off.

But sorry, readers... you're stuck with me again now. (And I'm actually kind of glad... I missed you!)

Guest blogger #4 - Fully Loaded

Hi, readers! Hope good old Saint Nick brought you everything you wanted for Christmas. (No, I didn't get a boyfriend. Though I did get a new camera. Even trade, no?)

Just to clean up a few loose ends...

• The Mouse did not end up coming over for Christmas. (He was able to make it home to be with his own family.)


• And The Beard has been texting a TON. But alas, he's leaving to go back home tomorrow. However, that did not stop my sissy from re-enacting our PDA session to the entire family on Christmas Eve. Which was actually sort of helpful, since I don't really remember it.


• I got a random "Merry Christmas" (spelled wrong -- who spells it "Marry"??) mass text from The Banker. WTF? I haven't talked to him since October.


• And The Teacher and I have talked on the phone a few times and may be meeting up at some point this Sunday.

So I should have plenty to update you on in the next couple of weeks!

Now on to more important things... like guest blog posts. This submission comes us courtesy of the blog Famously Single.

There's one more guest blogger in the hopper, but he (yes, you read that right -- HE) is going to wait a couple of weeks to send his submission. (Timing is everything, peeps, right?)

(As a side note... I was thinking the other day of how random it would be if The Male Guest Blogger (TMGB) and I somehow end up together. That would be such a fun story for our kids someday... and, hopefully, the movie studios.)

Til then, enjoy this little nugget from Ms. Famously Single.

*****

After having my heart broken and five months of no sex, I decided it was really time to get into the game. Enter Mac.

We met while out for a mutual friend's birthday party. He was cute, in the military and I was slightly needy. He seemed like such a nice guy and maybe after five months, I wasn't being as selective. In my drunk state, I even text messaged my dad saying I met the man I wanted to marry.

Fast forward a few weeks. I wake up next to him. This is like the second time we have ever slept together. He is getting up to go golfing. I am lying in his bed. He's about to leave. He says, "Just so you know, that gun right there is fully loaded. So if you try to mess around with it, it's loaded and it will go off."

I say, "Wait... I slept with a loaded gun by me the whole night?" (Always a Bridesmaid sidenote: That's What She Said.)

He says, "Yeah. Alright, I'm leaving."

He is almost to the door. I'm already thinking he is a psycho, until... wait for it.... he turns around and says, "Your p*ssy's mine." (Always a Bridesmaid sidenote: I HATE that p word... but doesn't every girl?)

I've slept with this man twice and already he is staking claim on my p*ssy! Seriously, who says that? For once in my life, I was literally speechless. What are you supposed to say to that?

I wish I would have said your d*ck is mine, but I found out that it wasn't. Maybe that line really worked for him because while he was screwing everything with two legs, the girls were not.

On a side note, I found out that he shot some guy in the leg who tried to get into his girl's apartment. Guess there is one benefit to sleeping by a loaded gun. :)