Take a hint!

Several weeks ago, I got a return visit from a blast from the past: The Groundhog. And, dear readers, it seems as if I was spot-on when I gave him that nickname.

Why? Because that mother effer ALWAYS pops up.

It started with an email from him, which simply stated that he had been cleaning out his emails and came across one from me from a couple of years ago, and that he just wanted to touch base.

I had no intention of responding.

But then he called. TEN MINUTES AFTER HE SENT THE EMAIL.

(Psycho much?)

His voicemail expanded on his email, and then also alluded to the fact that the last time he reached out to me, I didn't respond. And it's true. I documented it here, peeps.

(Please note the date of that last non-correspondence too. Almost two years ago!)

Anyhow, after remembering that this was the kind of guy who would not give up if I just ignored him (as evidenced by that two-year-old post I just linked to, which was par for the course with The Groundhog), I emailed him back the next morning. I was cordial enough, but told him that I was dating someone now... and then also reminded him that he had tried to (or did) date not one, not two, but THREE of my girlfriends over the years.

Now, I know what you're thinking... why was AAB being such a bitch to a guy who was seemingly just trying to catch up? Aaaaaah, innocent readers. You see, this guy ALWAYS had ulterior motives. (You can ask any of the three of my friends he tried dating.) So I knew I had to nip it in the bud or he would keep popping up, as only a good -- errr, bad -- groundhog would do.

(FWIW, when we were "talking," our regular conversations consisted of the following topics: how women should always -- and only -- wear thong underwear; how he broke up with a girlfriend for getting fat; what inappropriate places he would get romantic with his ex-GFs; how women only ever wanted to date him for his money; or how he thought he was the funniest person alive. Riiiiiiight. So now you know why I wasn't interested in dating him.)

I won't get into the nitty gritty of the few emails that flew back and forth, but I will tell you these phrases may or may not have been used (by him): "I certainly didn't reach out to be insulted"; "You're catching me off guard"; and my personal fave, "You are a ball buster."

Suffice to say I don't think I'll have to worry about The Groundhog popping up any time soon. :)

Have you ever dated a guy who just wouldn't go away?

I've heard of a 3-day wait period, but this is just crazy

We all have heard "the rule" for how long a guy waits to call (or these days, text) a girl after an initial conversation or first date. What, two or three days, right?

Wrong. Apparently, it's almost one month. After having brunch the day after Valentine's Day with Val (after meeting the nite before and him being adamant about getting together sooner than later), he pretty much disappeared (even though we had talked about possibly getting together the following weekend to grab a drink at The Velvet Tango Room).

Since that is par for the course in my dating life, I didn't think anything of it. And the more I "virtually" got to know him through his Facebook status updates (he had "friended" me while we were on our brunch date), the more I was questioning just what kind of guy Val is.

(What grown-ass man uses the word "dookies" in his status updates? Seriously?)

Then, on Wednesday nite, I receive this text from Val at almost 10:30pm:

R u doing happy hour tomorrow

My initial reactions to the text:

• You are very random, Val


• He must have sent this text to the wrong person


• Did we have plans that I don't remember making?


• Why didn't he use a question mark?

After that short-lived inner monologue, I texted back that I already had dinner plans with some friends, but assumed he must be going to happy hour so to have fun.

He replied with this: I was gonna meet up with u a chop house.

Again, I do not recall having plans to go to the Chop House with you, Val (though I do love their happy hour). I mean, if that is a request for a date, couldn't he at least have said, "I was hoping we could meet up at Chop House for a drink." Or something sort of like that?!?

Regardless, I had other plans last nite (a very fun girl date at Three Birds, where I ate too much bread and drank too much wine), so I didn't end up meeting up with him.

Guess that means I should expect to hear from him again in about another month or so. (Man, I am getting flashbacks of The Groundhog!)

The boomerang club

I've discovered a very interesting phenomenon in my life: boomerang boys.

While no one has ever been quite as bad as The Groundhog, there seems to be a trend of guys disappearing then reappearing at the weirdest/most random times.

I've had a few recent boomerang encounters:

• The Paramedic - I went on one date with this kid a year or two ago. He was SUPER young. As in, younger than my youngest sissy young. On the day of our date, he found out that he had just landed the new job he'd been going after, so he wanted to go "somewhere nice" (his words) to celebrate. We went to the Outback. Fast forward to a few days ago when he Facebook friended me (with a profile pic featuring his new GF), then sent me a message telling me that I still have "that million dollar smile and hair." I've heard of a million dollar smile, but million dollar hair? That must be SOME weave.


• The Mouse - This is the guy I "hung out with" (again, his words) last year. Totally same sense of humor as me (though he is much less animated and much more sarcastic). And un-be-liev-ab-ly cute. I mean, he has dimples. *melt* Anyhow, hadn't really talked to him much over the last several months, but he called a couple of weeks ago and has been emailing and texting (even sending jokey e-cards!) ever since. But, as I said in previous posts, I'm fairly certain this is on the "friend track."


• The Cop - I thought he had gotten the hint that the only time I'd ever see the back of his cop car was if I got arrested (and not for a makeout session), but I guess not. He's been FB messaging me to come meet him out at a bar, come to events he'll be at, etc. Weird.


• The Redhead - According to blogmom, this kid was my first-ever boyfriend. We went to grade school together until my family moved in third grade. I had not talked to him since then (what is that? 24 years?) until he Facebook friended me last week. While catching up via FB, I discovered yet another six degrees connection: he was fraternity brothers with The Murse back in college. (Seriously, people. That is just crazy. I've decided my life is more like two degrees of separation.)

And on top of these oldies (and questionable goodies), I've also heard from The Teacher, The Teachalian and The Italian Stallion in the past week.

Let's hope they don't all turn into boomerangers too.

He popped up again! (You knew he would.)

I hadn't heard from The Groundhog for a couple of weeks, so I thought maybe he had disappeared into his hole again. Little did I know he was just out of town. And little did he know that while he was gone, I decided once and for all that he's just bad news.

Apparently, he can't take a hint. Case in point, he tried calling:

• 9/29 - 9:47 pm


• 9/28 - 2:04 pm


• 9/26 - 1:41 pm


• 9/25 - 8:09 pm


• 9/24 - 9:35 pm

It's worth noting that I did not answer or return EVEN ONE of these calls or voicemails. There were a few texts sent during this time too, but I deleted them so I can't share them with my Internet friends (but I ignored those too).

But the topper was tonite's text: So what did I do to make you not want to talk anymore?

Well, for starters, you've cell-stalked me for the past week and couldn't even let a few days pass without calling again. For another, I'm onto you and your crazy dating/stalking habits. (You've now pulled "the pop up/fade out" maneuver on Molly, Jenn AND me, plus whatever other unwitting girls you've been talking to.)

Sorry, The Groundhog. Looks like you'll be seeing just your little lonely shadow this Fall.

So many contacts, so little time

I went to send a text message to my friend Carrie earlier (re: plans for this weekend's shower/bachelorette party combo for our friend Molly, of course -- Always a Bridesmaid!) and while I was doing that, saw a contact a few down from Carrie's name that I'm not sure belongs in my phone. In fact, there are a lot of randoms' numbers in my phone that probably don't belong there.

But here's what I've learned: every time I delete the number of a guy I have in my phone, he inevitably calls after I delete the number (hello, The Groundhog!!)... and I sometimes answer (not knowing, of course, who is calling)... and I always regret it.

So, I now leave most boys' numbers in my contact list whether I think I'll talk to them again or not... just in case. Here are some of the guys I will probably never talk to again, but still keep in my phone anyhow:

• The Pocket-Sized Chef: This is the Chris Kattan look-alike I referenced in this post. I met him at a happy hour at a bar near my sister's house and could tell he sort of liked me. But I just wasn't feeling it. He called and texted a bunch of times, but I didn't want to lead him on in any way, so I didn't respond. But I left his number in my phone in case he ever calls or texts again. I don't think he will, considering when I ran into him again (at a second happy hour with my sister about a month later), he came up to me like he wasn't sure he recognized me (duh) and was like, "Always a Bridesmaid, right?" LOL.


• The DJ: I have never even talked to, seen, texted or anything else with this guy. Someone gave him my number, he called and left a vm, and I saved his number in case he ever calls again. But a DJ? I think I'm too old for that. But, he's staying in my phone because you never know when you might need someone to spin a lil' JT at a wedding shower or something.


• The Insurance Guy: I went on two or three dates with this guy, who I was set up with by my friend Maureen. He was really cute and had a very dry sense of humor, but he's in the middle of a divorce (his final court date is on my birthday! WEIRD!), and I think he's maybe a teeny bit too quiet for me. But I would definitely go out with him again, so that's why he's still in my phone.


• The Intern: This guy was an intern for my company yeeeaaarrrsss ago (and I was kinda maybe sorta his supervisor). He was one of our first male interns, and every woman in our office thought he was "a hunk" (this term was LITERALLY used to describe him). Everything was on the up and up when he was my intern, but fast forward to this past Fall when we started talking again when he was seeking career advice. We hung out when he was home visiting his family (he lived in Chicago at the time; he has since moved to NYC), and he still sometimes sends me little messages here and there. So, he's not going anywhere on the contact list.


• The High School Stalker: Picture it. Lunchtime in my building. I'm getting a bowl of turkey chili from the little corner deli. I sense a guy staring at me out of the corner of my eye. What I didn't realize was that I was holding my building ID with my name facing him, so he knew who I was. Turned out the guy was a stalker I had in high school. I went out with him once (to a movie) back in H.S., and on the way home he told me he loved me. ONE DATE. He also used to sit outside my house because he knew when my curfew was and wanted to see me come home every weekend nite. So why, you ask, would I even give him my number to begin with when I saw him again (minus the fact that I didn't want my chili to get cold)? Well, I was totally caught off guard, and I knew he was doing construction work on my building (and figured if I gave him a fake number, I would see him again and he'd go psycho on me). His stalker ass, of course, called me several times after I ran into him, but I never called him back. His number is in my phone so I can screen, screen, screen! (Truth be told, I often duck when I see a guy with a shaved head doing work in my building -- you can never be too careful with a stalker!)


• The Murse - Part 2: This is not my six-year relationship guy, but this guy was also a male nurse. I met him when he found my profile in a Cleveland Magazine article about "hot singles," and he emailed me out of the blue (seven or eight months after the article ran) because he said he "liked what he read." He was the kind of guy who would make an awesome friend, but there was zero, zilch, nunca chemistry. To be honest, I'm not sure there's a good reason he's still in my contacts, but it sort of feels weird to delete him and not guys like The High School Stalker. So I guess he made the cut out of pity.


• The Sweater Guy: This guy now lives in Chicago, but lived here when we met. He's a six degrees of separation guy, in that he met and liked my friend Molly three or four years before we met. We called him The Sweater Guy because both Molly and I met him at the same bar in Westlake (years apart, mind you), and he was wearing THE SAME EXACT sweater both times. I wrote him off when he told me to meet him out at the Blind Pig after a Tribe game, and I walked in to the bar only to see him making out with some other girl. That's when I knew The Sweater Guy's chances had come undone.


• The Gyno Guy: The guy I wrote about in this post. 'nuff said.

And that just takes me to the M's in my contact list!! Wow. My phone sure makes it seem like I have a thriving social life. Too bad it's mostly so I can avoid the boys who have been in it thus far!

Do you still have contacts in your phone who have no business being there?

Six degrees of separation (or less)

I have long said that my dating life is like six degrees of separation, meaning that the guys I date (or am supposed to get fixed up with) typically know and/or date(d) one of my friends.

I'm sure I'll cover this in future posts, since it happens all the time. I'm actually in a six degrees of separation wedding in a couple of months, which will be a first for me.

For this post, I'll stick with my friend Jenn. My group of girlfriends has been friends with Jenn's fiancee Brian for years. When we met her (after hearing LOTS about her), we instantly liked her and felt like she'd always been part of our group of friends. We even used to tell Brian that we would take friend custody of Jenn and dump him if they ever broke up.

Anywho... Jenn and I were emailing the other day and discovered the she went on a couple of dates with The Groundhog a few years ago. Her take on him is the same as mine: very cute guy who is fun to talk to on the phone, but has a stalkerish screw loose in the dating department. I'm actually being nice when I put it that way. I think Jenn's exact words were, "Stay away!"

Fast forward... I was on the phone with The Banker this weekend, and he reminded me where he grew up (which is where Jenn grew up), so I asked if he knew her and/or her family. He got VERY excited because he, indeed, knows the family. And dated Jenn in high school.

I couldn't help but be amused and sent Jenn an email that just said, "The Banker is [name]! Why do I get all of your sloppy seconds?!?" I was glad to hear that she thinks he is a very nice guy -- and voted for him in this week's poll question before she even knew who he was. Jenn and I are getting together for happy hour this week, so I'm sure I'll get more deets then.

Six degrees side note: Jenn and I are having drinks with Sarah, the girl who fixed me up with The Coach. Years ago, Sarah tried to fix me up with Brian (Jenn's now-fiancee), but I was already friends with him (which Sarah didn't know). She later fixed up Brian and Jenn, and the rest is history!

A random nite in the life of my cell phone

5:42 -- text from The Banker telling me to have fun at my work event (said work event caused me to miss most of the following texts/calls)

6:58 -- missed call from The Phoenix Brother

7:45 -- text from The Cop asking if I was going to his friend's pig roast on Saturday (I'm not)

8:20 -- text from The Banker

9:35 -- missed call from The Groundhog (he did not leave a vm, and I did not call him back)

10:13 -- returned a call to The Banker (talked for about half an hour)

10:49 -- returned a call to The Phoenix Brother (talked for about 10 minutes about his trip to Cleveland this weekend)

To be honest, there were also some messages and missed calls from some of my girlfriends too... but that's not really why we're all here, is it? ;) Needless to say, my phone definitely needed a full charge last nite. Poor little Goldie.

The Groundhog

Got a call from The Groundhog this morning on my way to a client meeting. Why did I name him that? Because juuussssttt when you think you'll never hear from him again, he pops back up into your life.

I went on one date with him two (or was it three?) years ago after several weeks of talking on the phone. He was hilariously funny on the phone, but when we went to dinner he was really sort of weird/hard on himself/out of sorts. Sort of ended on a weird vibe, and then he started dating someone else (as did I).

Since then, he randomly calls every few months for several weeks straight, then fades out for good (at least, for what I THINK is for good). Side note: when he calls, he says, "Hi, it's me." Granted, I know who it is when I see his name pops up on my cell phone, but isn't the "it's me" reserved for BFs and relatives? And, he calls in the morning on his way into work... a time of day that is only acceptable for coffee and emergencies in my book.

Anyhow, how did we meet, you ask? He liked my friend Molly. Then my friend Carrie. (Actually, he liked them both at the same time, but that's a story for another post.) Then he liked me. (In his defense, I do have a very fun/cute group of friends.)

I do think he is super funny. And cute. And career-focused. And family-oriented. But maybe just a little too flighty. And definitely too random... at least, to this point...