(Blog)daddy dearest

Oh my. Looks like we might have some fun boy stories on the way, courtesy of blogdad.

I got out of jazzerci... I mean... cardio class tonite and found a voicemail from blogdad. I called him back, and he asked several questions about my upcoming birthday (what kind of cake do I want? what time should everyone come over? how should we coordinate picking up my gift at the jeweler, etc.). But I could tell there was something more going on in that head of his.

Blogdad: So, have you talked to The Italian Stallion? (Reminder: blogdad gave The Italian Stallion my number back in December. They know each other through their jobs.)

Me: We talked a couple of times before Christmas, but then it just sort of fizzled out over the holidays, and we didn't talk again after that.

Blogdad: Well, I'm going to give your number to someone else then. I'm tired of reading all these guest posts on your blaaaaahhhg. (Always a Bridesmaid sidenote: blogdad pronounces the word "blog" exactly as I have spelled it, and it makes my sissies and me chuckle every time we hear it.)

Me: (Giggling. Because of the aforementioned pronunciation of "blog.") Oh, no. Who?

Blogdad: Another guy I work with. He's 35 and never been married. He's the one who does the modeling on the side too. (AAB sidenote: blogdad had mentioned this guy to me once before.)

Me: Sweet Jesus and Mary.

So, I haven't come up with a name for this guy yet because, let's be honest... I'm running out of clever names and have decided I need to at least talk to a guy before he gets a name on the blog.

Between The Teacher (who was also a bodybuilder on the side - though that option sort of fizzled over the holidays too) and this model guy, what are you guys trying to do to me? This has the potential to make for some bitchy "dieting AAB" posts. Which could actually be pretty fun.

Taking a boy break -- or am I?

I haven't written about a lot of the boys swirling about me these days. (The Teacher, The Teachalian, The Italian Stallion, The Mouse and The Banker all made appearances in some way during the holidays.) Because, to be honest, I needed a boy break.

The truth is... sometimes it is exhausting to be constantly thinking about my (lack of) love life. Sure, there are always randoms floating around (who'd have thunk that damn Banker would show up via random holiday texts -- THREE of them!), but I haven't really had a *real* date since The Lawyer. And we all know how that turned out.

So, I haven't been returning boys' calls.

I haven't been returning boys' emails.

I haven't been returning (some) boys' texts.

I just needed a break.

But, I think I am going to start '09 with a fresh perspective. Focus less on quantity and more on quality.

(Though, as Molly likes to remind me... it only takes one. So wouldn't my chances be better if I have more to choose from? Who knows.)

And here's fair warning: I may just need a couple more weeks of minimal boy interaction. Except, of course, for TMGB. Because he'll be back next week with his new weekly feature -- Man Mondays. (Which means I'll have to email with him in the meantime.)

(BTW, did you see his post this week? I effing loved it.)

Anyhow... what do you think? Should I continue with this self-imposed XY-ile (that's supposed to be a cutesy way to say "boy exile"), or should I surround myself with as many potentials as possible (figuring that at least someone might be worth dating?!?!)?

Guest blogger #4 - Fully Loaded

Hi, readers! Hope good old Saint Nick brought you everything you wanted for Christmas. (No, I didn't get a boyfriend. Though I did get a new camera. Even trade, no?)

Just to clean up a few loose ends...

• The Mouse did not end up coming over for Christmas. (He was able to make it home to be with his own family.)


• And The Beard has been texting a TON. But alas, he's leaving to go back home tomorrow. However, that did not stop my sissy from re-enacting our PDA session to the entire family on Christmas Eve. Which was actually sort of helpful, since I don't really remember it.


• I got a random "Merry Christmas" (spelled wrong -- who spells it "Marry"??) mass text from The Banker. WTF? I haven't talked to him since October.


• And The Teacher and I have talked on the phone a few times and may be meeting up at some point this Sunday.

So I should have plenty to update you on in the next couple of weeks!

Now on to more important things... like guest blog posts. This submission comes us courtesy of the blog Famously Single.

There's one more guest blogger in the hopper, but he (yes, you read that right -- HE) is going to wait a couple of weeks to send his submission. (Timing is everything, peeps, right?)

(As a side note... I was thinking the other day of how random it would be if The Male Guest Blogger (TMGB) and I somehow end up together. That would be such a fun story for our kids someday... and, hopefully, the movie studios.)

Til then, enjoy this little nugget from Ms. Famously Single.

*****

After having my heart broken and five months of no sex, I decided it was really time to get into the game. Enter Mac.

We met while out for a mutual friend's birthday party. He was cute, in the military and I was slightly needy. He seemed like such a nice guy and maybe after five months, I wasn't being as selective. In my drunk state, I even text messaged my dad saying I met the man I wanted to marry.

Fast forward a few weeks. I wake up next to him. This is like the second time we have ever slept together. He is getting up to go golfing. I am lying in his bed. He's about to leave. He says, "Just so you know, that gun right there is fully loaded. So if you try to mess around with it, it's loaded and it will go off."

I say, "Wait... I slept with a loaded gun by me the whole night?" (Always a Bridesmaid sidenote: That's What She Said.)

He says, "Yeah. Alright, I'm leaving."

He is almost to the door. I'm already thinking he is a psycho, until... wait for it.... he turns around and says, "Your p*ssy's mine." (Always a Bridesmaid sidenote: I HATE that p word... but doesn't every girl?)

I've slept with this man twice and already he is staking claim on my p*ssy! Seriously, who says that? For once in my life, I was literally speechless. What are you supposed to say to that?

I wish I would have said your d*ck is mine, but I found out that it wasn't. Maybe that line really worked for him because while he was screwing everything with two legs, the girls were not.

On a side note, I found out that he shot some guy in the leg who tried to get into his girl's apartment. Guess there is one benefit to sleeping by a loaded gun. :)

Looking for a few good... er... bloggers

The holidays are approaching, which means I'm probably going to want to take a few days off from posting about my (lack of) love life.

(Unless, of course, you want me to hang myself from a bundle of mistletoe.)

But me taking a break doesn't mean this blog has to suffer.

So here's my idea...

Are you single and wanting to share one of your crazy dating stories? (Go ahead. Just TRY to beat the story about the guy who asked me about my hoo-hah over appies.)

Or are you coupled up and dying to tell us what it's like on "the other side"?? (Or maybe you just want to vent about how you wish you were still single?)

Or are you a guy who wants to tell us ladies what dating is like from the XY perspective? (PLEASE. For the love of all things holy... what the hell are you guys thinking?!?)

Then drop me an email at cleve27dresses@yahoo.com. I'll be happy to post your stories over the next several weeks. Think of it as your Christmas present to me!

The rules are simple:

• You can't use a guy's (or girl's) real name (unless he's a friend involved in your story and not the romantic interest). Instead, use a fun nickname for whoever the love interest is.


• Tell me what name you want your post published under (like my Always a Bridesmaid moniker -- or you can use your real name if you're really brave!).


• If you have a blog, let me know what it is so I can link to it.


• You have to be funny (duh).

That's it! I'll post guest blogger entries over the next several weeks (assuming any actually come in!!) in between my updates about The Teachalian (who wants to get together this week), The Italian Stallion (who I've talked to a couple of times now... and who hasn't sent one text! YEAH!) and The Teacher (who I already have a post in the works about).

I know you've got stories, ladies (and gents). Don't be shy!

P.S. if you know my personal email address, feel free to send your entries there too. (Same rules apply!)

The boomerang club

I've discovered a very interesting phenomenon in my life: boomerang boys.

While no one has ever been quite as bad as The Groundhog, there seems to be a trend of guys disappearing then reappearing at the weirdest/most random times.

I've had a few recent boomerang encounters:

• The Paramedic - I went on one date with this kid a year or two ago. He was SUPER young. As in, younger than my youngest sissy young. On the day of our date, he found out that he had just landed the new job he'd been going after, so he wanted to go "somewhere nice" (his words) to celebrate. We went to the Outback. Fast forward to a few days ago when he Facebook friended me (with a profile pic featuring his new GF), then sent me a message telling me that I still have "that million dollar smile and hair." I've heard of a million dollar smile, but million dollar hair? That must be SOME weave.


• The Mouse - This is the guy I "hung out with" (again, his words) last year. Totally same sense of humor as me (though he is much less animated and much more sarcastic). And un-be-liev-ab-ly cute. I mean, he has dimples. *melt* Anyhow, hadn't really talked to him much over the last several months, but he called a couple of weeks ago and has been emailing and texting (even sending jokey e-cards!) ever since. But, as I said in previous posts, I'm fairly certain this is on the "friend track."


• The Cop - I thought he had gotten the hint that the only time I'd ever see the back of his cop car was if I got arrested (and not for a makeout session), but I guess not. He's been FB messaging me to come meet him out at a bar, come to events he'll be at, etc. Weird.


• The Redhead - According to blogmom, this kid was my first-ever boyfriend. We went to grade school together until my family moved in third grade. I had not talked to him since then (what is that? 24 years?) until he Facebook friended me last week. While catching up via FB, I discovered yet another six degrees connection: he was fraternity brothers with The Murse back in college. (Seriously, people. That is just crazy. I've decided my life is more like two degrees of separation.)

And on top of these oldies (and questionable goodies), I've also heard from The Teacher, The Teachalian and The Italian Stallion in the past week.

Let's hope they don't all turn into boomerangers too.

I've heard of head over heels, but this is ridiculous...

Last Friday, I was at the Bier Markt with a friend I haven't seen since third grade (so fun!! and I also ran into my blogging buddy Alexa) when I witnessed what could quite possibly be the strangest attempt to pick up a woman I have ever seen.

A guy did a cartwheel.

That's right.

A guy did a cartwheel. In the middle of the bar.

It was one of those moments that seemed to go so fast it was a blur, while at the same time seemed to be happening in slow motion.

And why, you ask, did he do that? (Besides the Christmas Ale, of course.) To impress a girl.

(In case you're wondering, it didn't work.)

The rest of the nite sort of paled in comparison, though I did meet The Teachalian, a guy my sister Jenna suggested I should meet.

(Sorry, readers... I am completely stuck on a name for this guy since I don't know him well enough to be creative beyond what he does for a living. He is a teacher by trade, but I already have The Teacher that I've written about, so that name is out. And he's super Italian, but I've already used The Italian Stallion too. So I made up my own word. Teacher + Italian = Teachalian.)

Anyhow, The Teachalian was cute (though perhaps maybe a tad too manicured for my liking... OMG, I never thought I would say that) and seemed to have a good sense of humor. We hung out for a little while but, to be honest, I was a little more preoccupied with catching up with my 3rd grade BFF than macking on some new guy.

He did text on Saturday nite to see if I maybe wanted to meet out with him (I declined, as I was already tipsy on Prosecco at my friends' house) and just texted again tonite to see if I wanted to maybe grab a drink this week.

And while I hate that he is texting so much (I will nip this in the bud, to be sure), I do sort of like that he is pursuing me. (The Teacher and The Italian Stallion could take a few pointers.)

Who knows? Maybe we'll meet and fall in love over a cannoli while reading first grade text books.

Hey, stranger things have happened. Like guys doing cartwheels in bars.

Time for a diet

Just got off the phone with a new potential, The Teacher. How did we meet, you ask? Well, we technically haven't. His sister is friends with my friend Aimee, and the two of them conspired to introduce us. (Plus, Aimee's got two kids to feed and I think she wants in on the finders' fee.)

What. A. Nice. Guy.

I mean, I guess anyone can fool you into thinking they're nice in the span of 20 minutes, but he just seemed genuinely nice. And not in the too nice sort of way either. (Unlike a guy I once went out with who literally said, "Wowee!" instead of swearing. Shit you not.)

Sounds like he's close with his family (a plus), has a job that he likes (a plus) and has a good sense of humor (a definite plus).

HOWEVER... I'm sure you're wondering why I titled this entry "time for a diet." As if I'm not self-conscious enough as it is about my body, The Teacher told me that he did an amateur body building competition a few months ago for the first time... and won. (Also weird: he sounds almost exactly like The Banker on the phone.)

(In his defense, he only brought up the body building thing because he was worried that they sent me a picture of him from the competition and he thought that would have been queer.)

Holy crap! I just ate fifty pounds of stuffing on Thanksgiving! I mean, I need to wear Spanx under my Spanx right now! I can't date a freaking body builder!

Side note: in true six degrees of separation form, The Teacher knows a kid that I went to high school with (who stalked me after the Cleveland Magazine singles article I was in a couple of years ago). They played baseball together for a little while in college. Is it just me, or is Cleveland shrinking?

Anyhow, the conversation ended without discussion of a specific meeting day/time, but with the intention to talk again soon.

Guess that gives me some time to wrap myself in Saran Wrap and garbage bags and jump on a treadmill.