Crazy in love

Aaaah, the things we do for love. I started thinking about the crazy things we do for love (both romantic and platonic) as I'm getting ready to head to West 6th this weekend for (you guessed it!) another friend's bachelorette party.

As you may know, I would rather naked swan dive off the Terminal Tower than go out with all the Jersey Shore-esque douchebags on West 6th Street. It's just not my scene anymore. But I obviously want to help my friend celebrate her final fling before the ring, and she wants to go dancing. So I will be there in full bachelorette party regalia (and pumped full of gin) for the evening's festivities.

But that got me thinking... what other crazy things have I done over the years against my better judgment, all in the name of love? Well, there was:

• The time I took The Murse to the rodeo for Valentine's Day and actually paid enough attention to semi-know what was going on (I'm fairly certain I was the only person there not wearing Wranglers and a plaid shirt)
• The time I helped The Divorcee pull weeds in his yard for approximately eight hours on a hot, humid Saturday whilst being eaten alive by some sort of crazy marsh bugs (though he did at least thank me with a gift certificate for a mani afterward)
• The times I went out in public with The Mush Mouth while he was wearing the following outfit (which was actually more like his uniform): inside-out white sweatshirt, baggy jeans, braided belt, chunky brown cop shoes, glow-in-the-dark faux Starter jacket (in his defense, he was color blind -- so I don't think he knew how bright that effing red jacket really was... but that doesn't forgive the fact that it wasn't even a real Starter jacket)
  

And, of course, there were the numerous times I folded a BF's laundry or picked up dinner or let his dogs out (even though they weighed more than me). But when you're in the moment, it all seems totally normal, doesn't it?

What crazy things have you done for love?

P.S. If you see a gaggle of girls on West 6th this weekend and it looks like they're looking for missing a group member, it's probably me. At least now you know where to tell them to find me.

Blast from the past

If you've been reading this blog for a while now, you're well aware of the six degrees of separation that is my dating life.

(Which is why I implemented this rule some time ago.)

Well, it happened again this weekend. While out for one last late-nite drink with a friend, I was sitting at the bar chatting and heard, "Hey, girl." (Yes, a man really said, "Hey, girl.")

It was the Mush Mouth. As you may remember, the Mush Mouth was my first "real" boyfriend who I dated for 2+ years during college and shortly after.

(He was so named by one of my relatives because he mumbled everything he said.)

So, back to this past weekend. The Mush Mouth approached and chatted with us for about 10 minutes. Ten very loooong minutes. Why long?

• I felt like he was flirting with me. Like, scrunching his nose up and smiling all weird when he was talking to me flirting.
  
• He rubbed my head. More than once. (I suppose I should say here that I HATE when people touch my head, unless I'm dating them. Or I'm at the hair salon. And he knows that.)
  
• He wasn't wearing his wedding ring. Based on our conversation, I was trying to figure out whether he was just being a schievy guy who doesn't wear his ring when he's not out with his wife, or whether there's something more going on in his personal life. I didn't ask.
• Did I mention the head rubbing?!?
  
• Lastly, he announced to my friend (after I told him about my new niece and nephew): "If anyone was born to be a mother, it was AAB." (There was a head rub following this comment as well.)

Eeew. It schievs me out when exes are a little TOO friendly after a break-up. (Don't get me wrong. I'm all about being civil after a break up. But there is a distinct difference between civil and acting like you've gone back in a time machine and are still together. And that time machine involves head rubbing.)

Have you ever had a run-in with an ex that was just a little TOO friendly? How did you handle it?

(My solution was to nervously down my beer.)

Why Being Single at the Holidays Doesn’t Totally Suck

• There's no pressure to find that perfect gift for my special someone. In the past, I would spend weeks (sometimes months) searching for juuuuuust the right present for my BF, only to be disappointed with an effing gift card for a day spa or -- even worse -- the free wallet that came with the purse that he bought for his mother. (Actually happened.)


• There's no need to worry about those extra lbs. I've already packed on from all the holiday goodies around my office, since my cats and relatives don't mind if I'm a little doughy right now (but a BF probably would).


• I don't have to hear, "Sooooooo... do you think you'll be getting a little box under the tree this year?" from EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. I. KNOW.


• There's no obligation to bust out horrific memories of holidays past. One year for Christmas, I got an effing Precious Moments necklace from The Mush Mouth. I lovingly referred to it as "The Medallion." It was a sterling silver heart -- yes, HEART -- with two little Precious Moments figures facing each other inside of it. It was literally the size of a hood ornament. And it was heinous. (In this case, I would have welcomed a gift card.) I felt obligated to pull it out each Christmas (though I never actually wore it), but after we broke up, I used to take it out with me to the bar and use it on my beer bottles like one of those little wine charms. Except it wasn't so little.


• I can decide where I want to go, and when. I don't have to split holidays between families, or traipse around all over Northeast Ohio without sitting down in one place for more than a couple of hours. Which means I can plant my (now pleasantly plump) ass down at my parents' house and get hammered. I mean, "holiday toasty."


• There's also no pressure to buy thoughtful presents for the BF's family. I mean, I don't think I could have found another bird broach for The Murse's grandma if I tried. I must have bought out the entire stock at Macy's every year.


• And let's not talk about the pressure to fake liking the presents that you got from his family. I mean, who doesn't need a holiday sweatshirt -- complete with puffy paint -- to round out her wardrobe? (I wish I were kidding. Actual Christmas present. Though still not as bad as the free wallet.)


• If you're only kinda sorta and/or newly dating someone (and not in a long-term relationship), there's also no pressure to have that awkward, "Are we exchanging gifts?" or "What's our spending limit?" conversation. Ugh. Those are so awwwww-kward!


• I don't have to stress about how/if he fits into my family's gatherings. Let's be honest: blogfamily can be a bit overwhelming at times. Between blogdad telling dirty jokes, blogmom having minor meltdowns if something goes wrong in the kitchen, fights with sissies over board games and Brissy yelling, "Merry Jizzmas!!" every two seconds, it takes a special kinda guy to feel comfortable around the AAB clan.

Now don't get me wrong. There are down sides to being single too, which I'll explore in a future post. (I'm sure I'll want to hang myself after I write that one.)

But for now... what are your favorite reasons to be single at the holidays?

P.S. Thanks to all of you who suggested names for this month's dating adventures. (You sick bastards, you.) Please be sure to vote for your fave in the poll on the top left of the page!

This makes perfect sense(s)

I was driving home from work the other nite and the song Pony by Ginuwine came on. Stop laughing. What's funny is not that I was listening to a station that would actually play that song. (OK, it's sorta funny.)

What's really funny is that the song actually reminds me of and ex-BF: The Mush Mouth. (It was the first song we ever danced to once we decided we liked each other. Stop judging. We were at a college bar and we were both drunk.)

So then I started thinking about this little gem: Pretty much every one of my five senses reminds me of an ex- in some way or another. Behold:

• Hearing -- see above (and, seriously, stop effing laughing that that song reminds me of a romantic liaison)


• Smell -- every time I smell Emporio Armani cologne, I think of The Murse. He wore it for years and, in fact, his mom even bought us the his/hers version one year for Christmas. It's really sort of a bummer, since I actually really like how this stuff smells. But the memory of him that comes along with it just makes it a real stinker in my book.


• Taste -- I can't eat dumplings without thinking of The Murse either. Actually, without thinking of his mom. Because it was the meal she made for us every year (for six years, remember!) on New Year's Day. She friggin' loved that meal (as did I, after I tried it the first year). Lucky for me, pork and dumplings is not really a regular feature in the AAB diet. However, even seeing them on a menu somewhere reminds me of her (and, then, him).


• Sight -- whenever I see a picture of either Leonardo DiCaprio or Eric Dane, I think of The Divorcee. He was like a real-life version of the two of them if... you know... two men could mate and create an offspring. I can't help but think of him every time I see one of those two in the gossip rags or on E! with my (possibly gay and definitely pretend) BF, Ryan Seacrest.


• Touch -- I can't really think of anything good for this one. (At least, nothing that blogdad could read.)

(Jaaaaaaaaay Kaaaaaaaaay, blogdad. I've never touched a boy in my life. Pinky swear.)

So what about you? Which of your senses triggers thoughts of an ex-?

P.S. Happy birthday, sissy! Hope you have a great day!

No wonder I suck just as bad at love as I do at math

After several people alerted me to the online Love Calculator (thanks, Alexa and blogmom!), I decided to take it for a spin and see what would happen. Lord knows I can use any guidance I can get at this point.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the Love Calculator, it's an online tool to help you determine whether your relationship has potential based on the names of the people in the relationship. Like Sonny + Cher. Or Brad + Angelina. Or Bert + Ernie. (I still contend those puppets were more than roommates, if you know what I mean.)

Anyhow, being the sucker that I am for anything that might possibly give me direction in the love department, I obviously tried it out. Here's the fun part. I used both *real* names (self-explanatory), as well as *blog* names (e.g., Always a Bridesmaid + The Murse), to see what would happen.

Let's take a gander at how the calculations worked out for what I would consider my three "real" boyfriends.

THE MUSH MOUTH

Real names: 99%. Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between [immature boy] and [amazing girl] has a very good chance of being successful, but this doesn't mean that you don't have to work on the relationship. Remember that every relationship needs spending time together, talking with each other etc.

Blog names: 71%. Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between The Mush Mouth and Always a Bridesmaid has a reasonable chance of working out, but on the other hand, it might not. Your relationship may suffer good and bad times. If things might not be working out as you would like them to, do not hesitate to talk about it with the person involved. Spend time together, talk with each other.

Really, Dr. Love? I find it amusing that both of these predictions involve talking to each other, considering the kid has the blog name The Mush Mouth because he mumbled and swallowed every word he ever said. And I would have expected a much better prediction for a 99% love match.

THE MURSE

Real names: 55%. Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between [noncommittal guy who may or may not have been gay] and [too good for him anyway girl] has a reasonable chance of working out, but on the other hand, it might not. Your relationship may suffer good and bad times. If things might not be working out as you would like them to, do not hesitate to talk about it with the person involved. Spend time together, talk with each other.

Blog names: 53%. Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between The Murse and Always a Bridesmaid has a reasonable chance of working out, but on the other hand, it might not. Your relationship may suffer good and bad times. If things might not be working out as you would like them to, do not hesitate to talk about it with the person involved. Spend time together, talk with each other.

WTF, Dr. Love? Do you only have like three different predictions to spew out of that love-predicto-meter of yours? Same one three times in a row? At least you're consistent on this one, though.

THE DIVORCEE

Real names: 64%. Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between [guy who wasn't ready for a relationship] and [girl with bad timing] has a reasonable chance of working out, but on the other hand, it might not. Your relationship may suffer good and bad times. If things might not be working out as you would like them to, do not hesitate to talk about it with the person involved. Spend time together, talk with each other.

Blog names: 75%. Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between The Divorcee and Always a Bridesmaid has a very good chance of being successful, but this doesn't mean that you don't have to work on the relationship. Remember that every relationship needs spending time together, talking with each other etc.

Ummm... the same two predictions AGAIN?!?! I give up. And think I might have to change my name in order to get better love prospects.

Did you try out the Love Calculator with your hubs, BF or crush? What was your score? And did you get any predictions other than the ones that kept popping up for me?

I see London, I see France...

... man, I need new underpants.

OK, so I have a weird post-breakup ritual that I always go through: I give my undie drawer a makeover.

I did a major purge/splurge after I broke up with The Mush Mouth. (A 2+ year relationship.)

I did the same thing after The Murse. (A 6+ year relationship.)

And again (albeit on a smaller scale) after The Divorcee. (An on/off fling for about 10 months or so. Hence the smaller shopping spree.)

Honestly, I have no idea why I do it. Maybe it's because it's a little something I can do as a pick-me-up that only I know about. (Well, until I blabbed it to all of you guys, that is.)

And doesn't everyone feel better about themselves when they're wearing cute undies versus raggedy old torn ones? (Don't get me wrong. It's not like I'm buying sexy satin thongs or crotchless lace g-strings. Nope, I'm pretty much a boy shorts and cotton bikinis kind of girl.)

My point is this: I realized today (after noticing the ripped trim on one of my fave pairs) that it has been so long since I've had a major break-up that I really just need to go buy some new undies. Without the requisite heartbreak that goes along with it.

Lucky for me, my birthday is coming up. So I at least have a birthday coupon from Victoria's Secret to get me started.

How about you? What rituals do you have after a breakup?

I think I've dated some of these guys before...

... or, at least, Cleveland versions of them.

I mean, it's one thing to be close with your mom. (I actually quite enjoy when a guy has a good relationship with dear ol' mom.) But the guys (and moms!) on this new show from Ryan Seacrest are just completely ridic.

Don't get me wrong. I have dated some mama's boys myself. But the mothers on this show (especially the one who said her son could only date "a white girl") are completely and utterly insane. No. Effing. Way. would I ever in a million years date a guy whose mom is that controlling.

The Mush Mouth thought his mother could do no wrong, even though I swear she used to give me the evil eye every time he wasn't looking. (OK, maybe that's an exaggeration. But she DID tell him to buy me a giant Precious Moments necklace one year for Christmas, which I actually think was way worse than if she had actually given me the evil eye. Seriously. It was the size of a hood ornament. And heart shaped. And did I mention it featured Precious Moments?!?)

And I did absolutely love The Murse's mom (as in, she sent me a Christmas card six months after we broke up telling me that she always thought of me as a daughter and couldn't understand what was wrong with her son). What was wrong with her son was that she babied him so much over his lifetime that he couldn't make any decisions for himself as an adult (including whether to "get off the pot" after 6+ years of dating).

Anyhow, I can't believe I wasted an hour watching this effing "Momma's Boy" show. (In my defense, it was on after The Biggest Loser and I was just too lazy to change the channel. Which is a really ironic sentence when you think about it.) There goes 60 minutes of my life that I'll never get back.

Sort of like those 6 years I spent with The Murse.

Ex- sighting!

So, my friends all tell me that they've never met someone who runs into their ex-BFs as often as I do. And I'm starting to agree.

THE LOCATION: Einstein Bros. Bagels in Rocky River

THE EX: The Mush Mouth (college BF)

THE SCENE: Was waiting in line for my "everything bagel" and heard someone call my name. Turned around to see The Mush Mouth sitting at a table with his three-year-old son (who is adorable, BTW). Went over to say hi and ended up talking for about 20 minutes. We got caught up on each others' lives since the last time we ran into each other (about a year ago), laughed about old times (including the time that I accidentally barfed on his roomie's desk chair b/c I was so drunk I thought it was a toilet). In general, it was really nice to catch up. And as I was walking away, he yelled "You look great, by the way."

THE LESSON: Never leave the house looking like a pig. You never know what ex -- or future -- BF you might run into.

Ironically enough, I had stopped into Einstein on my way... you guessed it... to pick up another bridesmaid dress.

"Why are you still single?"

This is my absolute favorite question EVER. Seriously. Why the eff do people think that's a normal question to ask? I OBVIOUSLY don't have the answer or I wouldn't be single, right? But, here are my top three responses:

1. I was in a six-year relationship with a guy who turned out to be a gay nurse. [EDITOR'S NOTE: He was not really gay, but even I have to admit that he did have some tendencies.]


2. I guess I just haven't found the right guy yet.


3. I have cats.

This question seemed especially appropriate when people asked it at each of my younger sisters' weddings. Where I was dateless. It was usually followed up by, "You're next!" No kidding. I'm the only one left!

NOTE: An alternative version of this question is more behavioral , involving someone grabbing my left hand, looking at it in a perplexed manner and then dropping it while shaking his/her head in disgust.

The truth is, that until the past year or so, I have pretty much always had a boyfriend. Most notably, there was:

The Mush Mouth - my college boyfriend (we dated for 2+ years) and my first "real" BF. He mumbled everything he said (which did not go over well in my loud Italian family). He's now married with a kid and lives about 10 minutes from me.

The Murse - the guy I dated for six years (from ages 23 - 29) but who ultimately could not commit. After that long together, I issued a DNR on that relationship (even after he came back a year later asking for another chance).

The Divorcee - the guy I dated for about eight months after I broke up with the Murse. We got along really well, but he was just ultimately not ready to be dating seriously at that point in his life, and... well... I was.

There have been other randoms sprinkled in here and there, but obviously none of those guys panned out either. So, I guess for now I have to come to terms with that fact that I'll have to be prepared to keep answering that question.

Have any other ideas for how I can respond?