Four steps to becoming an all-star d-bag

Step 1: Be belligerently drunk. (But in your defense, dude, everyone at that party was pretty wasted. Except I wasn't. So, you'll have that.)

Step 2: Be so drunk that you inadvertently spit on me every time you open your mouth. (To the point that I am wiping my face. Did you happen to notice that?)

Step 3: Upon deciding that you are too drunk and/or spitty to continue talking to, follow me as I walk away. When I respond to your tap on my shoulder, stare at me like a deer caught in headlights. (Then lose your balance and try to catch yourself on the table next to you. Which, unfortunately, happens to spin like a lazy Susan. Ooops.)

Step 4: Whisper (or what you think is a whisper) to your friend as I'm walking away, "Hey, dude, I'm just trying to get a BJ here."

Aaaaaand, there you have it, guys. Four easy steps to ensure I will not give you my number. Or a BJ.

P.S. Does anyone else now have this song stuck in their heads? (And I'm not mad at it. Are you?)

Man Monday on a Friday

I recently received an email from a reader who has just moved to Cleveland and is trying to navigate the (online) singles scene.

(Don't worry... he said I could publish his questions here.)

Anyhow, below is the series of questions he posed, along with my answers. But I'm sure he'd love to hear what you ladies (and gents) think too!

(Because, as you know, I have been writing a blog about being single for more than a year now. So, you know. I don't exactly have the best track record/resume for dating rules.)

Here goes...

Are all of the women 23-34 in Cleveland really sports nuts or are they just saying that? Out-of-town friends claim that they're just saying that because it's what guys want to hear, I'm not so convinced (and it's certainly not what this guy wants to hear). I find it shocking -- especially in a city with the gems that Cleveland has -- that nearly every profile professes a deep love for the Cavs, Indians, or Browns and completely ignores the museum of art, orchestra, Playhouse Square, etc.

Well, Lincoln, I think there are probably a couple of things at play here. First, Clevelanders love Cleveland! (Just check out this Web site if you don't agree.) So just the mere fact that the girls are Clevelanders means that they also likely support its sports teams. (Plus, even if you don't like the sport itself, games are just generally fun to go to!) Second, I would guess that there are probably not many guys who enjoy some of the "finer things" that you spelled out, and I wonder if girls are maybe afraid to put those in their profiles for fear of scaring the guys away? See how it's such a twisted circle of he likes/she likes?!?

Why do women proclaim "Let's do this again" at the end of the first date then either fall completely off the face of the earth (4 of past 6 "good" dates) or declare that "we should never see each other again" (2 of those 6 -- the two that I actually felt best about at the time) when I go to followup? If you aren't interested why not just say so at the end of the date? If I did/didn't do/said/didn't say something to offend I'd love to know so that I can avoid making the mistake in the future (we can't learn unless we know!)

Hmmm... this is a tough one, since I almost never say that unless I mean it. (And, BTW... guys do the SAME EXACT thing to girls... so don't feel too badly.) I suppose that's just part of the whole dating game. Plus, I would guess it's hard to look someone in the eye and tell him that you should never hang out again (particularly if there's nothing necessarily wrong with the guy... it's just that it's not a good fit), but that it's probably easier to do via email/phone after the fact.

Why are women after "instant chemistry"? I know there are some people you meet where it's obviously a bad idea (like the [sober] chick who decided to slide her hands down my pants while screaming her phone number and "I best not forget it") but if the conversation has been decent and you're reasonably sure the person's not a serial killer why not give things at least two dates, especially if you ended the first one with "Let's do this again"?

Another toughie, Lincoln. Geez. I'm not Dr. Phil! :) But I guess what I'd say to this one is that sometimes it does take a while to warm up to someone. (Several of my best friends married guys they "weren't sure about" when they first started dating.) But it took me a couple of years to learn that, so maybe the girls you're encountering just haven't gotten there yet? However, I will say that I'm probably not going to go out with a guy again if I can't imagine possibly kissing him someday. There has to be at least the *idea* that you'd want to make out eventually. And then some. (Sorry, blogdad.) So I do think there's something to be said for chemistry, but it doesn't always surface entirely on a first date.

What do you guys think? Do you have better advice for Lincoln than I did?

Oh, and P.S. to Lincoln: So did you remember that crotch grabber's phone number? ;)

A warning to boys

Dear Gents:

If you are stalking... I mean... perusing the pictures of a single female Facebook friend who you are not reaaaaaalllly that good of friends with, and with whom you've only recently become friends with, do not -- UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES -- send her a message that says this:

I knew I should have gone to the ball Saturday! How are u not married?

(Actual email I received after posting pictures from Jump Back Ball. Which was amazingly fun, BTW. At least, what I remember of it was. Damn blackout & tonics strike again.)

Anyhoo, boys... let this be a lesson... while you may *think* that is a flattering thing to say to someone (and I'm guessing this guy meant it as a compliment), it actually has the reverse effect on the recipient.

Because I don't have an answer to your question, and I wonder the same effing thing all the time, dude. Eeew.

If you're a single lady, does this question drive you crazy too? Or am I just PMSing? ;)

All a-Twitter

Since my last post about seeing that quote on Twitter, a number of you have emailed or simply flat-out asked me if I'm the face behind the Twitter account @alwysabridesmd.

Sorry to tell you that I am not.

(Though it is an odd coincidence that she's based in CLE too, no?)

Keeping up this dating blog is hard enough. I don't have the time or energy to give you guys a play-by-play via Twitter too!

(Plus, I'm still trying out that whole "not-writing-about-a-guy-til-I-know-what's-up" karma thing too. So far, so... meh. But I'm still sticking with it!)

However, I do think a blogdad/blogmom Twitter account would be high-lar-eee-ous. Could you even imagine?

What do you think their first tweet would be?

QOTD

I haven't done a quote of the day in a while, but I love this one every time I hear it (and just saw it on twitter again today):

Don't marry someone you can live with.
Marry someone you can't live without.

I guess I just haven't found that guy yet. (Though I've found plenty of guys that I can live without.)

But who knows what this weekend may bring? ;)

Happy Friday, peeps!

On to the next one

A few weeks ago, it was my birthday. I tell you this not to have you send me presents (though I certainly won't refuse them). I tell you this because anyone who's been reading the blog for some time knows what my birthday means: the obligatory annual email from The Murse.

Well, my birthday came and went. No email. So I thought that maybe -- just maybe! -- he finally realized that it was time to just let things live in the past.

(Sidenote: Don't get me wrong. I'm all about being civil with exes. But after you date someone for 6+ years -- during the prime (and skinny) years of your dating life!! -- you sort of have a bad taste in your mouth.)

Anyhow, no such luck. He was just a couple of days late with his greeting.

(Sort of like he was late with everything else. Including realizing that he effed up the best relationship he had ever had.)

It was a cordial email, telling me that he moved YET AGAIN to a new city (he has a track record of moving after break-ups) and got a new job, asking about my family, yadda yadda yadda.

But you know what? This was the first year that I didn't feel even the slightest ping of "what could have been?" after reading it.

Guess the fourth time's the charm.

As Jay-Z would say... ON TO THE NEXT ONE!

P.S. is anyone else as OBSESSED with that song as I am?!?

Miserable schmiserable

By now you've probably seen that stupid story floating out there about how Cleveland is a miserable city.

(And if you haven't, I'm not even going to dignify it by linking to it or acknowledging its source.)

And while I rarely ever write about non-dating/love life/boy issues on my blog (since the rest of my life is actually relatively normal and probably not all that entertaining to read about), I just HAD to address it here.

Cleveland is not a miserable city.

I'm not even going to further elaborate on that. If you've never been here and don't believe me, come visit. I'll even put together an itinerary of things for you to do while you're here. And if you do live here and agree with that article... well, then maybe you need me to put together an itinerary of your own. Because there's PLENTY of cool stuff here to be proud of.

Now if my love life were deemed "most miserable," that might be a different story... ;)