Man Monday

After a couple of weeks off, TMGB is back with a list of 10 things every single guy must own, many of which TMGB isn't so sure about. I don't know. There's something about a guy in a pair of nice shoes that just does it for me. Unless, of course, they happen to be Bruno Maglis and are the center of some sort of criminal investigation.

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As a user of Match.com, I sometimes receive a newsletter with dating tips and tricks. Their latest one is entitled “10 Things Every Single Guy Must Own.” Now, I’m thinking this article would go through a few basic items just to keep guys on track. Some of these suggestions are that, but I found others truly bizarre and hilarious and I’m wondering if all you ladies out there agree.

To start off with, the No. 1 item on the list is “A top-notch coffee/espresso maker.” Apparently, girls aren’t happy with a guy making them coffee in an ordinary coffee maker on the morning after, well, you know. No, Match.com says, the guy better own something capable of making a latte or a cappuccino if he wants to keep her around. They suggest purchasing the $230 Delonghi “Caffe Figaro” Coffee/Espresso Machine plus a $20 coffee grinder in order to truly make her feel like a princess. Seriously, ladies? Is this what it takes to satisfy your caffeine fix?

No. 2 on the list is a lamp in your bedroom other than the one on the ceiling. That’s pretty basic. Check.

No. 3 is Swiffer products if you have hard wood floors. Are you kidding me? I swear by this stuff. Check.

No. 4 is a comfortable couch, and skip the cliché black leather in favor of something more safe colorwise, something more neutral or earth-toney, and then jazzed up with interesting throw pillows. That’s sensible advice. I know many a guy who has bought the black leather couch when single and then is somehow surprised that it is the first thing either in the basement or at the curb when a girl moves in with him. Okay, I have no problem with this. Check.

No. 5 is a subject about which AAB had a poll going on recently. Underwear. Match.com is telling guys to ditch the tightey-whiteys in favor of boxers or boxer briefs. Anything that looks like a girl should wear it (bikini briefs for guys? Seriously?) or has cartoon characters on it is likely to send her running for the exits. And, they recommend throwing out old underwear, lest you be tempted to wear it when your clean underwear supply is running low, because you never know when, ahem, a target-rich environment will lead to you reeling in a great catch.

No. 6? Every single guy should have a Swiss army knife key chain. Not even joking. Is that what I’ve been doing wrong all these years? I needed the Swiss army knife key chain? Damn. If I’d only known it was that easy. Match says that when your date’s sunglasses come apart while dining al fresco, you’ll win over her heart by whipping out your keychain with its little tiny screwdriver to fix them. Seriously?

No. 7 is scarcely better. Every single guy should own a pair of designer jeans costing at least $150. Now, I don’t like cheap clothes. I prefer name-brand stuff, like Nautica or Polo just because it holds up better while looking nicer, and is generally comfier too in my opinion. And yet, despite my preference for name brand clothes, I can’t imagine spending $150 on a pair of jeans. Is Diesel or Seven really that much better? C’mon. I’m not buying this one.

No. 8 is even higher on the price target list. Every single guy should own one pair of shoes costing at least $200, Match says. Now, I knew girls really, really liked shoes, just because I helped my younger sister move her monstrous shoe collection a couple of times. But man, if only I’d know that girls were turning up their nose at me because my favorite Sandro Moscoloni Italian loafers cost a mere $99, then I would have been coupled up long ago! Right? Not really buying this one either.

No. 9 is a little more common sense. It stands to reason, Match.com says, that you and your date will be spending some quality time in your bed. So you might as well invest in some good Egyptian cotton sheets, 300 thread count or better. Okay. Sounds reasonable. Check.

Last but not least? Every single guy should own a copy of The Joy of Cooking. The 75th anniversary edition goes for $23.10 on Amazon.com. Apparently, Match.com says, the way to a woman’s heart also runs through her stomach, and there’s nothing like being able to fix Chicken Kiev to make her swoon.

Okay ladies, I’m eager to hear which ones of these you think are on target and which are stronzata. Barring another birthday or technical meltdown, I’ll be back next week.

Until then,
TMGB

Sissy Sunday

First, don't worry. There are no HJNTIY spoilers in this post. (I promise.)

Second, please worry. Yet another weekend has passed without me meeting Mr. Future Always a Bridesmaid. Or even Mr. Maybe AAB.

Anyhow, today was the planned sisters outing. Or, as we have now deemed it, Sissy Sunday. The three of us haven't had a sisters-only outing in quite some time, so we all hopped in the car, headed up to Crocker Park for a little shopping, then saw He's Just Not That into You and grabbed a bite at the Cheesecake Factory.

Like I said, no movie spoilers here. But I do have a few observations about the movie:

• My sissies and I agree that we love Bradley Cooper. He is dreamy. So cute. I definitely wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers. Do you think he might have a Cleveland twin?


• We all also have crushes on Ginnifer Goodwin. Adorable. She has the face of a kewpie doll and the cutest hair ever in this movie.


• Speaking of hair... Justin Long needs a haircut. Eeew.


• My life definitely most closely resembles Jennifer Aniston's character in this movie. Sometimes it was spooky how similarly things played out. (Also spooky? Robert Plant just used the word "spooky" in his Grammy acceptance speech while I was typing "spooky." You know what that is? SPOOKY.)


• That said, whether we like to admit it or not, I think all of us ladies have a little bit of every girl in this movie in us when we're on the dating scene. The wondering why he didn't call. The wondering why he won't commit. The wondering if we can change him. The wondering why our hair doesn't look like Jennifer Aniston's. (Wait, maybe that one's just me. But probably not.)

Also, the six degrees phenomena that happens in my life apparently extends to my sisters too. We saw several peeps we knew in the short amount of time we were in the theater. In the lobby (while purchasing $4.50 sodas -- thanks, Regal Cinemas, for being sensitive to the economic crisis), we ran into Simply Married's hubs (she was already in the theater) and a co-worker of my sister's. Inside, we sat in front of another friend's brother and his GF. And we just missed Alexa by a hair too (she went to the 3pm show; we caught the 4pm one).

Overall, the sissy outing itself was better than the movie. The verdicts on HJNTIY?

• Sissy one -- 2.5 stars out of 4


• Sissy two -- 1.8 stars out of 4


• me -- 3 stars out of 4 (maybe because I could most readily relate to most of the characters since I'm still discovering that most boys are just not that into me?!?)

(We did, however, all agree that the potstickers at Cheesecake Factory were 3.5 out of 4.)

The only problem with going to see a movie like this is that there is basically zero chance that there are any single cuties that *might* sit next to you. If a guy is at that movie, he is either most definitely with a girl... or most definitely not into them.

P.S. If you're looking for a time waster, check out the HJNTIY official movie site. The date decoder is fun. So is the quiz. And so are the pics of my little Bradley Cooper.

Those darn Golden Girls had it right all along

For those of you who read this blog fairly regularly, you are well aware of my dating sitch right now. Or lack thereof.

Lucky for me, I have some amazing friends and family to keep me smiling throughout this dating drought. They are the Hall to my Oates. The gin to my juice. The peanut butter to my... well, see for yourself:

CASE IN POINT #1

I arrived home this week to find a bouquet of flowers sitting outside of my condo door. My mind immediately rushed to thinking they were belated birthday flowers, most likely from The Murse. (Which immediately made my stomach turn.) They were, indeed, birthday flowers. But they were from my very dear friend Ali and the card attached, it said, thank you for bein' a friend. (Did you read that sung to the theme song of The Golden Girls?) Truth be told, Ali and I used to spoon on my Mickey Mouse comforter in college while eating Pringles and watching the good ol' GGs. No wonder I looked like a house by the end of freshman year.

CASE IN POINT #2

I got an email today from my sissy's friend (who has now become my friend too) asking if I wanted to join her and another friend for a Valentine's Day dinner in Tremont. Umm... YES, PLEASE! I love fine dining and haven't had a lot of opportunities to go out without... well... a date to go with. So I am very much looking forward to my Valentine's Day threesome now. Wait, that sounded wrong...

CASE IN POINT #3

My sissies are amazingly funny and I love spending time with them. (Nowadays, that is. We hated each other when we were younger.) We just made plans to go see He's Just Not That into You this weekend (which I am super excited for), then grab din-din at a fine establishment at Crocker Park. (Too bad MAC doesn't serve food.) In addition to being fun to hang out with, my sissies just generally make me laugh on a daily basis. Take, for instance, the email I just received from my middle sissy: I officially have the best haircut ever and you should go to my girl. I am wearing my hair curly today and I look like a movie star. I mean, I seriously look like I could be one of those moms in a JIF commercial, or maybe even Swiffer Duster or Totino's Pizza Rolls. It's awesome!!!

(I especially enjoyed how sissy said she looked like a movie star, then cast herself in a series of commercials.)

So, ladies... consider this a charge: do something nice for one (or more) of your girlfriends today. Send a little cookie basket. (Though that would be mean if your friend is on a diet.) Drop her a little note telling her something awesome about herself. Take her for a manicure. Give her a coupon for one of those fat-melting wraps. (Tread carefully with that one.)

And remember to tell her... thank you for bein' a friend.

No wonder I suck just as bad at love as I do at math

After several people alerted me to the online Love Calculator (thanks, Alexa and blogmom!), I decided to take it for a spin and see what would happen. Lord knows I can use any guidance I can get at this point.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the Love Calculator, it's an online tool to help you determine whether your relationship has potential based on the names of the people in the relationship. Like Sonny + Cher. Or Brad + Angelina. Or Bert + Ernie. (I still contend those puppets were more than roommates, if you know what I mean.)

Anyhow, being the sucker that I am for anything that might possibly give me direction in the love department, I obviously tried it out. Here's the fun part. I used both *real* names (self-explanatory), as well as *blog* names (e.g., Always a Bridesmaid + The Murse), to see what would happen.

Let's take a gander at how the calculations worked out for what I would consider my three "real" boyfriends.

THE MUSH MOUTH

Real names: 99%. Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between [immature boy] and [amazing girl] has a very good chance of being successful, but this doesn't mean that you don't have to work on the relationship. Remember that every relationship needs spending time together, talking with each other etc.

Blog names: 71%. Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between The Mush Mouth and Always a Bridesmaid has a reasonable chance of working out, but on the other hand, it might not. Your relationship may suffer good and bad times. If things might not be working out as you would like them to, do not hesitate to talk about it with the person involved. Spend time together, talk with each other.

Really, Dr. Love? I find it amusing that both of these predictions involve talking to each other, considering the kid has the blog name The Mush Mouth because he mumbled and swallowed every word he ever said. And I would have expected a much better prediction for a 99% love match.

THE MURSE

Real names: 55%. Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between [noncommittal guy who may or may not have been gay] and [too good for him anyway girl] has a reasonable chance of working out, but on the other hand, it might not. Your relationship may suffer good and bad times. If things might not be working out as you would like them to, do not hesitate to talk about it with the person involved. Spend time together, talk with each other.

Blog names: 53%. Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between The Murse and Always a Bridesmaid has a reasonable chance of working out, but on the other hand, it might not. Your relationship may suffer good and bad times. If things might not be working out as you would like them to, do not hesitate to talk about it with the person involved. Spend time together, talk with each other.

WTF, Dr. Love? Do you only have like three different predictions to spew out of that love-predicto-meter of yours? Same one three times in a row? At least you're consistent on this one, though.

THE DIVORCEE

Real names: 64%. Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between [guy who wasn't ready for a relationship] and [girl with bad timing] has a reasonable chance of working out, but on the other hand, it might not. Your relationship may suffer good and bad times. If things might not be working out as you would like them to, do not hesitate to talk about it with the person involved. Spend time together, talk with each other.

Blog names: 75%. Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between The Divorcee and Always a Bridesmaid has a very good chance of being successful, but this doesn't mean that you don't have to work on the relationship. Remember that every relationship needs spending time together, talking with each other etc.

Ummm... the same two predictions AGAIN?!?! I give up. And think I might have to change my name in order to get better love prospects.

Did you try out the Love Calculator with your hubs, BF or crush? What was your score? And did you get any predictions other than the ones that kept popping up for me?

Valen-puke's Day

Is it really starting already? Do I really have to put up with 11 more days of friggin' "He went to Jared!" commercials?

Ugh.

Christmas alone? I can take it. You're surrounding by family and close friends, and there's always so much going on that you don't necessarily notice you're without a little jolly elf of your own. (Who you don't have to buy a present for when you're single, by the way.)

Solo bday? Not so bad. (At least, it wasn't so bad when I was younger and my friends and I would go out and get crazy. Nowadays things are a bit more tame. But I digress.) In reality, being single on your birthday isn't all that horrible. You still get cards, well wishes and gifts from the ones who really love you the most.

But being a lonely Valentine? Barf. It's the one day of the year that you are reminded (incessantly, I might add) of how ALONE you are. I don't need the jewelry commercials to remind me that ain't no one putting a diamond on my finger any time soon. I don't need the email notifications urging me to order a Vermont Teddy Bear for my sweetheart. And I certainly don't need all of the effing retail store signs reminding me at every turn that if I had a Valentine, I should be buying him something right that second.

In one of our early email exchanges, TMGB once referred to Valentine's Day as S.A.D. -- Singles Awareness Day. Sounds about right to me.

I am painfully aware. And single.

Man Monday (courtesy of The Murse... even tho he doesn't know it)

[Imagine a witty Man Monday post from TMGB here. Because it's 5pm on Monday and I still don't have one. Just like a man to not make good on a timeline. Though at least he's not about five years late like The Murse was.]

Speaking of The Murse... as you may recall, he and I dated for six years and broke up about three years ago. Since then, we have seen each other a couple of times (most recently at a wedding over the summer, where we chatted for a few minutes during a gin-fueled conversation that I can not recall). Each year, we also send the obligatory birthday email greetings to each other.

This year was no different.

SUBJECT:
January 29th

CONTENT:
Always a Bridesmaid,

I wanted to wish you happy birthday - I hope things are going well at work, home and with the family.

The Murse

While I appreciate the gesture... why even bother? I mean, at least prior years' messages had a little something more to them. The most I got out of this one was that he knew what the date was.

Am I just being mean? I know that it's very nice that he even thought to wish me a happy birthday. It just seems a little... well... forced.

And this is TOTES not my style (e.g., last year I cracked on him for being officially closer to 40 than 30... you know, a little humor to an otherwise completely awkward email). So do I reply (in May) with a just-as-lame email to him, or should I just let these silly birthday greetings fade away? Or should I just be myself and send a sarcastic bday greeting? Something like this:


I'm torn. (And also a little creeped out by how much this card looks like The Murse.)

What a great birthday... er... birth-weekend

I've had a few bday celebrations this week and got lots of fun swag. I'm so thankful to my friends and family for helping me kick this year off right.

I love everything I got (including the two cans of Pringles from blogparents -- which were also tucked in a bag with a gorge garnet/diamond ring... my birthstone) and am so thankful for everyone's thoughtful gifts. (Blogaunt even put together an "I read your blog so I know what you need" kit -- including a g.c. so I can go buy some new undies.) What am I MOST excited to try, though?

This, from sissies:
Why? Because, without it, my hair would literally look like this:

It's one thing to have Tina Turner's legs. It's another to have her hair.

Also... for all of you who have been complaining that the blog has been devoid of good boy stories this year, stay tuned. Had a couple of convos this weekend with people who have potential finders' fee material (read: boys) in the wings.

Which means that maybe my "if your birthday is today" horoscope (which was tucked into one of my bday cards) will come true: If you are single, you enter a new phase in your dating life. Someone quite substantial to your life's history will appear in the near future.

Fun! Thanks again, everyone!

Smooches!!