Staxting (stalker texting)

Well, my friends... thank goodness for my rule about not deleting old phone numbers from your phone. Yesterday morning, I got a text around 7am. I was awake (but still in bed watching TV), so I picked up the phone to see who it was (since my parents are on vacation and I thought maybe they tried to reach us).

Ummmm... it was an "urgent" text message (who even knew you could DO that?) from The High School Stalker that I wrote about in this post. I have literally not seen him since last summer.

And, this was the "urgent" message: Ur still hot. I've wanted my date since I broke my neck! Remember me?

Let's interpret:

• Do I remember you? My dad almost got a restraining order against you! But, in order to nip this thing in the bud and hope that I didn't hear any more from him, I simply responded, "Who is this?" (I think it worked... did not get a response.)


• "My date"??? We NEVER talked about going on a date.


• Broke your neck? I like how that was casually mentioned as though I already knew it. WTF?

In summary, a psycho guy from high school who told me he loved me on our first date (then proceeded to drop me off and bang some other chic at a party) urgent texted me at an ungodly hour yesterday morning for a date as he was laying in traction.

Man, my dating life is awesome.

Cashing out

Much like the stock market has done the past few days, The Banker has tanked. We were supposed to do something on Tuesday nite (we had decided that over the weekend), but didn't have specific plans. I finally got a text from him at almost 5pm on Tuesday saying that he just found out he had his kids that nite, and could we reschedule for Thursday instead.

A few things:

• I don't think I've ever mentioned the fact that he has two kids before (ages 9 and 4). Truth is, I wasn't 100% sure how I felt about it, and I was trying to figure it out before sharing it with the world (and getting feedback/comments from all of you).


• The text in no way was apologetic. Nothing like, "I am so sorry to do this, but can we reschedule? Blah blah blah." Nope. Just, "Hey, I have the kids tonite. Can we reschedule?"


• The text arrived at NEARLY 5PM. I understand things coming up at the last minute, but I have GOT to believe he knew he was getting his kids sooner than that.

And you know what? I was sort of over it right then and there. I let him know very matter-of-factly (read: sort of bitchy) that I understood his responsibilities lie with his kids, but that he should have let me know way before 5pm that he needed to cancel. I don't think he liked that very much... have heard from him VERY little since then.

So, I think I might have cashed out on The Banker. Too much baggage. He got drunk both times I saw him in person. And I think he might actually be The Unemployed Banker right now based on a few Facebook wall posts I saw (which he never mentioned anything about to me). I have dated an unemployed guy before (who did not have two kids to boot), and I am not really interested in doing that again.

On another note, I have a date next Wednesday with The Lawyer that I met after my friend Molly's bachelorette party last weekend (the one whose card I had in my clutch, but wasn't sure who it was until I sober Facebooked him). He called yesterday, we chatted for about five minutes (while two guys in my office were borderline stalking me b/c we had to talk about a big work project), and we made plans to get together next week.

This lawyer is not to be confused with The Attorney (the guy who my father wants to fix me up with who my friends and I know through a six degrees connection). However, my dad did email me The Attorney's contact info before he and my mom left for their Mediterranean cruise. I'm sure he's hoping we'll be engaged by the time they come home.

So prepare yourselves, friends. I've got two potential lawyers/attorneys in the hopper... AND we'll be without comments from blogmom for 2.5 weeks! I'm not sure what's worse...

Father knows best... maybe?

Oh, sweet Jesus and Mary. My dad called tonite to find out how he could get in on "the lottery" to fix me up (he meant the finders' fee, of course).

First of all, it is always weird to get a call from my dad, since my mom is usually the one who communicates info to my sisters and me. So when I see a missed call from him, it always immediately makes me cringe b/c my dad is usually the one charged with delivering bad news (e.g., if a relative passes away, if our mom has been rushed to the hospital for some crazy ailment, etc.).

So, I guess I was somewhat relieved to find out that dear ol' dad was just calling to pimp me out. I mean, find me a man.

Apparently he is scoping all over town for potential BFs for me. He called today with two guys in mind -- one, a doctor who he met thru his job; the other, the nephew of some guy he works with.

In true six degrees form, I'm pretty sure I know the nephew (who is an attorney, which my dad was very impressed by) from a guy my friends and I used to hang out with years ago. Blogdad and Blogmom have already checked him out online (all law firms list their attorneys online, which is pretty awesome for pre-date online stalking). And Blogdad was very impressed by the doc too (I'm sure blogmom is pissed she couldn't find him online too).

Side note: why do I find it so funny that my parents are Googling guys for me? I would pay to be a fly on the wall to hear the conversations that happen when they are sitting in front of the computer.

What concerns me is that I'm not 100% sure the guy that my dad would pick for me is the guy I would necessarily pick for myself. I think maybe dad is more focused on what the guy does for a living (of course! he wants someone to take to care of his little girl) than some of the prereqs I have (like whether the guy can make me laugh).

Anyhow, my favorite line of our conversation was when dad said, "And don't worry about the money for the finders' fee. Just put it toward your wedding."

Nothing like jumping ahead, oh, about 17 steps. How about we get a date on the calendar first?

Just another random Monday... whoooaaaa...

Wow, what a very random boy nite.

First, I talked to The Banker. That in and of itself wasn't weird. What WAS weird is that he was going out tonite with a guy that I randomly met a couple of years ago and went out with a few times. Turns out they're friends from growing up. More six degrees of separation!!! (Side note: I have a tentative date set with him tomorrow nite.)

Then I got some texts from The Cop (who I have not talked to nor texted since that random nite when I met him and he kept disappearing):

• What up
• U out?
• [random picture of himself drinking a beer]
• [same random picture of himself drinking a beer]

And to top off the randomness of tonite, I then got a text from The San Diego Marine (who I still contend is probably the hottest guy I have ever made out with -- sorry if that's TMI, blogmom).

Anyhow, he's on vacation with a friend (who I also met when I was in SD), and they were talking about me (interesting, considering I haven't emailed, talked or texted him in months) and he wanted to send me a text (and warn me to expect a drunk dial soon).

That marine. Mmmmm. He really is the kind of guy I want to find. In addition to being disgustingly hot, he's funny (in a goofy/silly kind of way), smart and sweet. He's lucky he doesn't live in Cleveland because I'm pretty sure I'd change up "Semper Fi" to something inappropriate like "Grab my thigh."

Blackout bachelorette bash

Well, my blog friends, Molly's bachelorette bash was a success. The guest of honor had a great time, the food and drink was aplenty and, of course, there are crazy boy stories coming out the back end of the party.

Most notably, apparently I befriended The Chef (not to be confused with The Pocket-Sized Chef) at the restaurant we were at. I also *may* have told him that he should be my date for Molly's wedding (which was told to me this morning; I don't remember this conversation AT ALL).

What I do remember is going through my clutch this morning to find a handwritten piece of paper with all of The Chef's contact info on it, along with the business card of an attorney that I don't even remember meeting.

Note to self: find a new drink of choice. I always knew gin and tonics had the potential of making me mean, but now I know they also make me completely black out.

Anyhow, apparently after chatting with The Chef for some time, he gave me all of his contact info (perhaps b/c he thought we were going to the wedding together -- maybe we are?!?!?). And I logged onto Facebook today to find a friend request from him. I mean, I don't remember anything we talked about. Who knew I could still be charming when I am blackout drunk?

In other news, I did meet up with The Banker on Friday nite for a bit. Met him for a few drinks after he had a dinner party (which I later found out was for his cousin -- which meant his family was still at the restaurant when we met up).

We had fun and laughed a ton, though he did get pretty drunk by the end of the nite (then again, who am I to talk after my performance last nite?). I was slightly weirded out that he called me "babe" when he called to make sure I got home OK, but I'm going to chalk it up to the drinking.

Let's hope The Chef is as forgiving and realizes our talk about him being my wedding date should be chalked up to the Tanqueray. Regardless, rehearsal dinner is sure to bring some additional stories, since it's at the same restaurant we were at last nite.

The phrase of this weekend became "I didn't think this through" (courtesy of our friend, Michele). Man, truer words were never spoken.

P.S. Thanks for giving us an excuse to party, Molls. Hope you had a blast at your final fling before the ring!

Showers, bachelorette parties and bedazzlers -- oh my!

I've got a big bridesmaid duty weekend ahead of me. On Saturday, we're doubling our friend Molly's pleasure, with both her bridal shower and bachelorette party. It might sound crazy to cram so much into one day, but it's great for our out-of-town friends (a couple of whom are bridesmaids too) and it actually ends up being a really fun day totally devoted to the bride-to-be (we recently did the same thing for our friend Carrie too).

My duties for the shower are under control. I was in charge of the invitations, which I was mildly obsessed with. (Side note: I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this site for super cute custom-printed invitations: http://www.polkadotdesign.com/). And I'll handle the paper plate bow bouquet assignment at the shower (which I actually like to do anyhow). That means I'll also be sitting close enough to the guest of honor to tell her if she's taking too long to open presents. (Honesty disclaimer: it drives me nuts when brides open every single box to show what each plate, cup, towel, potholder, etc. look like.)

My duties for the bachelorette party? Hire the stripper, blow up the giant inflatable penises and bedazzle a Life Savers t-shirt that says, "Suck for a Buck." LOL. Just kidding. Unfortunately for you, the bride reads this blog religiously, so you'll have to wait until Monday for an update about what really went down (that's what she said).

OK, I'm off to wrap presents now for this weekend. (Prob won't have time tomorrow since I've got a mani right after work, then I'm supposed to meet The Banker at some point.)

P.S. This post serves as this week's "weekend preview," since I doubt I will be functional AT ALL on Sunday following Saturday's festivities. Which will be a very good thing.

He popped up again! (You knew he would.)

I hadn't heard from The Groundhog for a couple of weeks, so I thought maybe he had disappeared into his hole again. Little did I know he was just out of town. And little did he know that while he was gone, I decided once and for all that he's just bad news.

Apparently, he can't take a hint. Case in point, he tried calling:

• 9/29 - 9:47 pm


• 9/28 - 2:04 pm


• 9/26 - 1:41 pm


• 9/25 - 8:09 pm


• 9/24 - 9:35 pm

It's worth noting that I did not answer or return EVEN ONE of these calls or voicemails. There were a few texts sent during this time too, but I deleted them so I can't share them with my Internet friends (but I ignored those too).

But the topper was tonite's text: So what did I do to make you not want to talk anymore?

Well, for starters, you've cell-stalked me for the past week and couldn't even let a few days pass without calling again. For another, I'm onto you and your crazy dating/stalking habits. (You've now pulled "the pop up/fade out" maneuver on Molly, Jenn AND me, plus whatever other unwitting girls you've been talking to.)

Sorry, The Groundhog. Looks like you'll be seeing just your little lonely shadow this Fall.